I want kids he’s not sure

[Turtle93]

I’ve been with other half for 5 years and we’re due to get married in 2 years. I am 30, he’s 34. On the whole our relationship is great, we enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh and I feel like he’s there for me and supports me.

I’ve always tried to be upfront and honest and I have always said that I would love to have a child, and I first made this known to him about 2 years ago when our relationship was getting very serious and we were talking about our futures. He said he wasn’t ready (fair enough) but that it is something he can see in our future. I am at a point where I cannot stop thinking about becoming a mum, everyone around me it seems is pregnant to the point I’ve had to delete social media off my phone because it’s just making me sad.

I raised the subject with him again recently and he said he wasn’t sure if it was something he’d ever want. I was blindsided by this and was very honest and said if that was the case then I can’t marry him. He then said that he’d do anything I wanted and if it meant having a baby then we would do that. From what I can gather he is very afraid of having that responsibility and isn’t confident that he would be a good dad. I have tried to reassure him that he would be brilliant at it if only he’d believe in himself. But I can’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t really want it, best case he’s only half in it as a parent, worst case he resents me and regrets it down the line.

I don’t want to leave him but I feel deep down that he isn’t going to be ready. I have considered waiting until we get married and seeing then if that changes things for him but if he’s still not wanting to then, then it’s all the more complicated and that’s another 2 years gone.

sorry for the blather, I guess what I’m getting at is has anyone else been in this situation? How did you broach it? What happened to your relationship?

I know I should give him time but this is eating away at me. I’ve told him this but he doesn’t really have anything to say when I bring it up and I don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry OP. That’s a shitty situation.

DO NOT GIVE HIM TIME. Deep down, he’s hoping that he can string the decision out until you’re mid-thirties, then you’ll run out of time and won’t be able to have children and he can shrug and say oh well we tried.

There are two paths forward here: either try for a baby now, or end the relationship. The worst thing you could do would be marry him with this undecided.

I’m very sorry. But for what it’s worth: you’re right. Children are wonderful and you absolutely deserve your chance to be a mother.

Don’t waste any more of your fertile years on a man who doesn’t want children. Tell him the relationship is over and take control of your future.

At 30 you can give yourself a year to heal from this, then meet someone new and have a family by the time you are in your mid thirties. If you stay with this man you will still be childless.

Horrible situation for you.

At first I thought he might be inclined to change his mind when it came to it, however given he won’t agree to start trying now, when he is 34, I think he really really doesn’t want children. At 34 you know if you want them or not.

Never good to give up the opportunity to have a child for a man. You would im sure live to regret it totally. (Frankly a child gives you 1,000,000% more joy than a man ever could).

I was dumped at 31, dated, met DH at 34 and needed fertility treatments. Finally had my child at age 41. You don't have time to wait it out and see if he changes his mind, you need to decide right now if you're ok with staying childless or if you'll leave him and find someone to have a family with.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together, the future is longer.

Hey OP. I really feel for you. It hasn't happened to me but my mum. She was married to her first husband and I guess was at the age you are now when she wanted to take that next step with him by having children. His response was very nearly the same as the one you've had - "if you want one, we'll have one" This is not the response she wanted as it felt like he just wasn't excited or anything about taking a massive decision forward. Shortly afterwards, she met my dad at a party. I don't recommend the next bit but it's part of the story - they started an affair and she remembers clearly when she knew her future was with my dad rather than her husband.. he looked into her eyes and said, I want to have children together, I can't imagine wanting that with anyone else ... the rest as they say is history.

OP, you can't rely on him changing his mind, you can't rely on him being enthusiastic and dedicated to being a wonderful father, if he isn't ALL IN. You deserve the same as my mum. x

@Turtle93
Plenty of men don’t feel any rush or desire for children when they are in early 30s. There simply isn’t the same time pressure for men to have kids. They can easily get to their 40s+ and then decide.
And a fair number of these men do go on to have kids in their 30s because their partners do have the time pressure. And then they grow up and become parents.

So - I won’t take his current statement as something that is a deeply thought through position. It’s just a fear of responsibility and changes that life brings.
When I was in my late 20s - my early 30s bf said he’d kill himself if I got pregnant. And he never wanted to be a parent and have that responsibility.
A few years passed, he finally grew up and had a job he studied for years for - and now he is a great dad.

So - OP - in your place - if you are financially in a place to have a child - I’d tell him you are either trying now or break up.
This would crystallise the choice for him when nudge him to make a decision.

Don’t worry about some future where he resents you. He won’t. If being child-free were some sort of long standing intention and you tricked him into having a child - then maybe.
But as it is - it’s just just immaturity talking. He has to grow up some day. Now is as good time as any.

I'm pregnant to a man who said he never wanted kids but I refused to listen because I felt maybe he'd change. He's the same age as your partner. And now I'm being left as a single mum because he's not interested in being involved. Deeply wish I had left and found someone who had the same desire as I did. Nearly a decade of my life wasted. I'd tell him either you start trying within a certain deadline, say 2-3 months or you'd be moving on

Don't have a child unless you're married.

I’m really sorry @Bakedpotatos , that is really hard and I hope you have some support around you if not the father x

Time to leave I'm afraid. You have time to meet someone else who wants the same things.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago if we could start trying, explaining that it was unlikely to happen straight away. It was a firm no from him.

Doesn’t sound good, OP.

He might change his mind, or if you got accidentally pregnant he might come round to it. But what if he didn’t?

Don’t let him string you along until it’s too late. He can become a parent in his 40s, 50s, or 60s. You can’t.