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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my partner doesn't know if he wants kids.

31 replies

k12 · 06/10/2022 15:07

I am 29 my partner is the same age we have just bought a house together after dating for around 3 years. we have the best relationship ever and we are committed to each other. I know in the future in my 30s I would like to have children and I think being with my partner makes me wan to have them more as I can imagine him being a great dad and I love all of the values he holds.

the topic of having children has came up often and is causing me to feel stressed about the future probably more so as I approach my 30s. he has always said along the lines of "I don't right now, I might one day but I cannot promise it" I would say I want to have kids in my mid thirties and he will say he's not sure but hasn't ruled it out he has talked about things that worry him about having kids like the political climate, his finances etc.

we have only just bought a house together and now I am really worried that was a big mistake because he isn't sure about having children, in the past he has said things like not everyone plans to have kids they sometimes just happen but its something I would want to plan for. I don't know what to do do I give him more time and talk then - I said to him if he never wants them and decides he never wants them he needs to tell me. he has said when I am serious about wanting to have kids at that point I can talk to him and we can see where we are then.

im worried I have been an idiot and made a big financial decision with someone who might not end up wanting them same things as me. we definitely see each other in both of our futures and are committed in every other way.

OP posts:

Floomobal · 06/10/2022 15:11

im worried I have been an idiot and made a big financial decision with someone who might not end up wanting them same things as me.

I think this is what you’ve done. But it sounds like that’s what he’s always been saying re children? So many women waste their childbearing years with men who are “unsure” about children. I think you need a definitive conversation, rather than letting it run on. At least if you know, you can start making plans to extricate yourselves from your financial ties

musingsinmidlife · 06/10/2022 15:11

He has been pretty clear that as of now his answer is no but that might change sometime. You bought a house and stayed in a relationship knowing no kids is a likely possibility. I would assume based on your choices that you are also okay with not having kids but open to the chance you might have them. Otherwise your decisions don't make sense.

beonmywaythen · 06/10/2022 15:12

I've seen this before and sorry but it is a big mistake! They bought a house, etc together ten years and then split because he wouldn't marry her and wouldn't say if he wanted kids or not bc he was "figuring himself out".

NightmareSlashDelightful · 06/10/2022 15:16

I don't think you've been an idiot but I think both you and he have 'long-grassed' this one rather than have upfront conversations about it.

I think you need to have upfront conversations about it. Now, not tomorrow.

If he tries the old 'talk to me when you're serious about it' tack you can afford to push back on that a bit. Because as you say you need to plan for these things, and ideally you'd do that together. It would be quite difficult, within the context of a committed partnership, for one person to get to the point of being 'serious' about having kids without any input from the other partner. So he's being unreasonable there.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 15:16

I'm sorry, op, but yes, you have made a massive mistake in buying a home with him. He's being very clear and you're simply not listening.

MolliciousIntent · 06/10/2022 15:19

Yeah, this was a mistake, hes been saying the same thing for years, he's not sure about kids. If you are sure, you need to leave.

BattenburgDonkey · 06/10/2022 15:25

I said to him if he never wants them and decides he never wants them he needs to tell me. he has said when I am serious about wanting to have kids at that point I can talk to him and we can see where we are then.

It would be a massive mistake to carry on going along with this, so when you reach the point, probably mid 30s when you are ready to have a kid and then he finally discusses it and says no, I still don’t want kids…. Then what? What happens if you don’t find a new partner in time to have kids, are you happy to go it alone? This isn’t a subject anyone can compromise on and be happy about.

MintJulia · 06/10/2022 15:30

Do NOT wait until you want to try to conceive. You know NOW that you want children at some point in the future.

He isn't a teenager, he's nearly 30 and he is saying quite clearly that he doesn't want children, or possibly that doesn't want them with you. He's couching it in terms giving you just enough room to convince yourself it will be ok to leave it a year or two. That is what he is counting on.

Please don't be fooled into wasting your fertile years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 15:31

Tbh he’s been telling you the same thing for ages and you haven’t listened. You don’t want children with anyone who isn’t enthusiastically up for it. And you can’t decide he’d be a good dad. He doesn’t seem to want to be a dad at all.

2bazookas · 06/10/2022 15:47

You can sell a house. It's not very difficult, so don't get hung up on the house as a tie controlling your decision.

The Issue to focus on, is that you know you want to be a mother and you're trying to convince your self that one day he might change his mind. He might not.

The big question is " Do I want to spend my life with him, if that means no children?"

a12 · 06/10/2022 15:50

its really hard because when I have got stressed about it he will say he hasn't completely ruled it out I don't know why its suddenly hit me now.

LovelyChicken · 06/10/2022 15:52

I had one of these. Dumped me for a younger model and they had a baby within a year.

Dery · 06/10/2022 15:55

“He isn't a teenager, he's nearly 30 and he is saying quite clearly that he doesn't want children, or possibly that doesn't want them with you. He's couching it in terms giving you just enough room to convince yourself it will be ok to leave it a year or two. That is what he is counting on.

Please don't be fooled into wasting your fertile years.”

This with bells on. The thing is that he could decide he wants kids in his 40s, even his 50s and probably still be able to father them with relative ease. However, your fertility window will likely have closed by then. And even for men, there are many reasons why it’s better to have them younger rather than older (children are very tiring for a start!). He’s been with you long enough to know if he wants children with you. I think you have to move on or risk him cheating you out of children and then possibly even moving on to another woman when he decides he does want them.

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 06/10/2022 16:16

I’ve come on the say, apart from the biological clock and the relationship element to your concerns, to put your mind at rest, purely financially, it’s more often the case that investments in property increase over time so you have probably not made a bad financial move.

bingbummy · 06/10/2022 16:21

It's too big a thing to not prioritise. The regret if you don't have children will be immense, since you want them.

he needs to commit to children now or you split up.

When dating again make it clear you want children and then discuss how that will go

who will earn money, will you stay home to look after them? What does he expect from the mother of his children, vice versa.

This is the kind of stuff you need to plan properly.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 06/10/2022 16:23

2bazookas · 06/10/2022 15:47

You can sell a house. It's not very difficult, so don't get hung up on the house as a tie controlling your decision.

The Issue to focus on, is that you know you want to be a mother and you're trying to convince your self that one day he might change his mind. He might not.

The big question is " Do I want to spend my life with him, if that means no children?"

Yes, you need to ask are you happy to not have children.

This man is saying he doesn’t want children or he doesn’t want children with you.

Cattenberg · 06/10/2022 16:26

If you’re sure you want children, I think you should cut your losses and move on. It will probably take time for you to get over this relationship and meet someone else. Then it would be sensible to spend at least a year or two together before trying to conceive.

By this time you’ll be in your early thirties. From a medical point of view, that’s a better time to start trying to conceive than your late thirties. Many women will still be successful after 35 (as I was), but knowing that time is not on our side can add extra stress and pressure to the situation. I wouldn’t recommend it.

monkeyupsidedown · 06/10/2022 16:27

Count back from 40:
-How many kids do you want? It's normal to take up to a year to conceive so don't forget to subtract that as well.

How many years in between them?

What age do you need to start trying? If you would break up now, you would need to get over him, date, find a suitable man, cohabit, maybe marry and then start trying at your calculated age. Is it doable for you to wait it out and see if he wants kids in so many years? Or do you need an answer now and get on with it?

bingbummy · 06/10/2022 16:30

30, ready to date again
31 you've met someone
34 you know him inside out and have discussed the ins and outs of finances, child care, where you want to live etc. etc. etc. to ensure your goals are aligned
35 you live together and start trying for a baby
37 second baby comes

it's doable but if you wait one more second it won't be

Bluestripeysocks · 06/10/2022 16:36

Please please please listen to what he is saying. He doesn't want kids. By saying he will discuss it in the future he is giving himself an out. He is able to tell you in 5 or 6 years.... "but I told you I didn't want kids". And where does that leave you?

Living with a man you silently resent telling yourself that you can do without the kids you have always wanted? This happened to a friend of mine and almost to me. Please don't make the same mistake.

TightDiamondShoes · 06/10/2022 16:38

I’ve lost money (tens of 000s) and I’ve lost men - I don’t regret the children for one second even though they drive me bonkers.

this man is going to string you along until you’re infertile.

Animalism · 06/10/2022 17:14

Please have a definitive conversation soon. Make clear you definitely want children and need to know whether he is happy to have them with you or not, in a certain time frame.

If it's a 'no' then move on. Any continued umming and ahhing, I would also move on.

Dating and meeting the right man can take time. I started looking at 31 after a long relationship ended and have only just met someone who feels like a genuine long term possibly now at 36. Granted, covid happened in that time which made it harder but still.

Don't kick this down the road if you know what you want. Your timescales are fine, but ideally you want to be my age or younger and trying, or at least settled, not my age and looking or only just starting out with someone.

Animalism · 06/10/2022 17:14

Please have a definitive conversation soon. Make clear you definitely want children and need to know whether he is happy to have them with you or not, in a certain time frame.

If it's a 'no' then move on. Any continued umming and ahhing, I would also move on.

Fenella123 · 06/10/2022 17:41

Please say you had a reasonable deposit...
(when interest rates rise, houses sell for less).

I got stuck in a house - that I no longer wanted - for years in the early 90s, because its price plummeted after we bought it and we only had a tiny deposit, so very soon the mortgage owed was more than the house was worth.

I'd say think hard, and think fast. Because if you want to sell the house, you probably want to do it asap, before the few remaining buyers not spooked by soaring interest rates get used to gazundering as a matter of course.

I used to be a bit of an old hippy re marriage, but now - if you're not rolling in your own cash and you want kids and you're a woman - get married first. And if a bloke's not solidly keen on you - look for one that is.

krisskrosses · 06/10/2022 17:57

As someone who is going through infertility and knowing how long it can take (3 years for me and still not pregnant - and I know people who have tried for 5/6/7 years) - you need to factor in the possibility that you won't get pregnant straight away. It could take several years of trying. Hopefully it won't, but it could. You won't know until you try.

If you know you definitely want kids, I honestly think you need to be a bit more firm with him.

Tell him you will definitely be wanting to start trying for a child in X years time, and you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is on the fence about that. If he can't commit, you need to break up and find someone who will.

When I was 29 I felt like I had loads of time... but that time passes really quickly.

If you want children, you need to make a plan and you need him to be on board. Otherwise, you need to be open to the possibility that it just won't happen, and make your peace with that.

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