my partner doesn't know if he wants kids.

[k12]

I am 29 my partner is the same age we have just bought a house together after dating for around 3 years. we have the best relationship ever and we are committed to each other. I know in the future in my 30s I would like to have children and I think being with my partner makes me wan to have them more as I can imagine him being a great dad and I love all of the values he holds.

the topic of having children has came up often and is causing me to feel stressed about the future probably more so as I approach my 30s. he has always said along the lines of "I don't right now, I might one day but I cannot promise it" I would say I want to have kids in my mid thirties and he will say he's not sure but hasn't ruled it out he has talked about things that worry him about having kids like the political climate, his finances etc.

we have only just bought a house together and now I am really worried that was a big mistake because he isn't sure about having children, in the past he has said things like not everyone plans to have kids they sometimes just happen but its something I would want to plan for. I don't know what to do do I give him more time and talk then - I said to him if he never wants them and decides he never wants them he needs to tell me. he has said when I am serious about wanting to have kids at that point I can talk to him and we can see where we are then.

im worried I have been an idiot and made a big financial decision with someone who might not end up wanting them same things as me. we definitely see each other in both of our futures and are committed in every other way.

I said to him if he never wants them and decides he never wants them he needs to tell me. he has said when I am serious about wanting to have kids at that point I can talk to him and we can see where we are then.

Sorry but this is a complete mess.

You only want him to tell you when he is 100% certain he never wants them?

He will never tell you that - because he knows as soon as he says that you'll break up with him. He can just keep being vague and you'll stay with him until you're miserable enough to start putting real pressure on.

You need to turn this around, and soon. He needs to tell you that he is 100% certain he does want children - if he can't do that, you need to end the relationship.

And the whole thing about "talk to me once you are actually ready to start trying" - what? That could be several years away and then you've wasted time with someone who is just going to say "oh actually, nah, I don't think so" or "no, not yet" or "let's see".

He needs to make a decision, and you need to press him to do so.

As the saying goes - he needs to piss or get off the pot.

I think he absolutely knows he doesn't want kids , he's stringing you along.

I was in a similar position. I decided I would rather be with the person I was with and happy than impose children on someone who didnt want them. Because he was on the fence I had to decided what I wanted. We had a serious chat and I essentially imposed a deadline on him to let me know one way or another so I could get my head round it. Although by this point I had decided I wouldn't leave him if he didnt want kids as I could see how we would have a great life either way.
.... but I knew deep down that he wanted kids but was afraid of making that step. I could see in the way he was with friend nieces & nephews, and he would say things to me like 'you'd make a great mum / will be a great mum one day', etc.

If I were you, I decided what you would do if he didnt want children. From there have the discussion and tell him you need to know by X point. Explain that's it unfair for him to make you wait until the point where you are ready for him to then decide. If you decided you wanted kids regardless and had to find someone new it can take a long time. The later into you 30s you leave it the harder it will be. It can take years!

In the end my guys decided he did want kids. We started when I was 37. I'm now 39 and 11 weeks pregnant. My age and a few other things make it very high risk and we were lucky to get pregnant at all.

You need to take charge of your own life and lay it out for him.
Good luck.

I was dumped at 31 and with dating and fertility problems I finally had one child throigh IVF at age 41.

Meanwhile, my ex his new girlfriend was pregnant 6 months after our break up.... they have three kids.

I'm sorry OP, but I think either he doesn't want to have children and might never will, or doesn't want to have them with you :(

I'm not religious and am not too far away from you in age, but I note that you are his partner. I think it's very sensible to live with someone before you get married, but you've gone beyond that and now bought a house together.

I only being up the marriage issue not because it's necessarily important to you, but because there is a type of man who is quite relaxed about it all or says they don't believe in marriage. It's always next year, or when they're get a raise at work, or when things have 'settled down' somehow. There's always an excuse.

What they actually mean though, is that they don't want to marry you. You're not special enough. You're Ms Good Enough for now. Lovely, but not someone who really lights their fire.

The worst ones are quite happy for their girlfriends to have their children, and once that's ticked of, a lot of those women can forget being married.

In this case, it's not quite that bad, but he may have been mainly wanting to have a house, have a nice partner who loves him, and now he has both, may never feel any kind of urgency to have children.

Some people are always undecided anyway and some never have children. It's not necessarily anything manipulative.

However, be careful he doesn't string you along for years and years, only to leave you, find another (much younger woman), marry and have kids with her quickly.

Also, I woudn't leave having children until your mid-30s. God no!!

You can go into early menopause and develop health issues that will make having children harder, even if you do end up having them. Having children at that age or later should only be something that women do out of circumstance, not something to plan! It's too risky to deliberately push it foward to that age if you are physically, financially and psychologically ready for it now.