Ex wife ALWAYS comes first - WWYD?

[graystoon82]

I have a new DP of 10 months and we are very fond of each other. We both recently went through quite difficult separations and we are having a lovely time together, things are good. He's very kind to me and ever so loving.

BUT. His ex-wife seems to dictate everything. She's not particularly difficult (in fact she seems quite nice) but he constantly backs down to her, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship.

Couple of examples - they recently sold the family home. He was allowed the washing machine and nothing else (despite expressing other items he'd like)
They have a very solid access routine, almost 50/50. A few times I've asked him if he could swap it around if something has come up that I'd like to do, the answer is that he refuses to mess ex-w around however she's asked to change things numerous times for holidays and nights out and he's accommodated immediately. His Xmas plans were changed by her, after we'd built both of our xmases (we both have children) around the agreed arrangement, this has resulted in me now spending Xmas afternoon on my own.

The most recent thing (last night) is that we can't post anything on social media when he has a day off as ex-w will find out that he's been off and hasn't asked to have DD. I find this bizarre and quite frankly I'm annoyed that we have to keep everything secret.

So I guess AIBU and WWYD? My confidence has been knocked after my separation so I think I don't always see things as clearly as I have before

Dump him. It’s not a life you want to live.

Yes YABU. After 10 months he definitely shouldn't be mucking around with access arrangements to suit your plans.
The social media thing. Firstly does it matter? And does the ex wife know about you?

I think 10 months in, it may be a bit soon too be asking for change in arrangements, unless it was for a significant event.

The Christmas arrangements is frustrating and maybe dh should have fought harder.

The social media is very strange. Ex does seem quite demanding.

if the ex is like this now, and you can’t cope, then the relationship won’t be long term.

To use a mn cliche, you have a dh problem, as he’s not sticking up for himself. Incidently, how long have they been separated?

It's not meant to be this hard this early

Tell him why it's not working, and give him a chance to be stronger but ultimately I don't think he will change

This won’t get better.

You’re 10 months in - totally honeymoon period stuff - and you’ve already got the very strong message that he’d rather disappoint or upset you than his ex. whatever the reasons for that (and a million people will be along to tell you how unreasonable you are and what an ‘amazing dad’ he is), your relationship and big parts of your life are already dictated by his decision to prioritise his ex. You don’t need to put up with it.

He sounds like a really weak man and also sounds like someone who would get back with his partner given the chance. You can do better than this. You need someone to stand up for you.

It was to swap a day (on two separate occasions) I'm more than happy to go to events by myself/cancel etc but it just baffled me when things have been swapped numerous times to accommodate her holidays and nights away etc.

No, I suppose the social media thing doesn't matter too much, but it's more that he thinks he can't have a day off and spend it with me when in fact it's not his day to have DD anyway.

Yes she knows about me, I've met her and I've met their mutual friends etc.

Changing arrangements doesn't just mess ex around it disappoints DC.

It sounds like it's not the life you want, but he sounds like a decent bloke. It's early days and he's prioritising his child and her mother. Hard for you but how it should be IMO.

No to moving access arrangements around. DC will always be prioritised and that is how it should be.

there are plenty of men who don't have exW and DC, date one of them.

Leave him before both of you become even more unhappy.

it’s his kid who comes first not his ex.

Why would you plan Christmas around someone you have been dating for less than a year?

Both of you need to think about your boundaries. If you did you might go your separate ways.

It sounds like their co parent relationship is good. I don't think he is doing anything wrong. The day off stuff is a bit odd but actually being discreet is a good thing. It's such early days he should not really be dating at all.

I think this is just the wrong time for both of you. Too early. Focus on your families. You're feeling second best nut presumably he is second best to your dc too.

I don't think your future together would be good with a complex blended family. Absolute nightmare. Back off now and if you do date keep it light fun and completely away from your dc.

Sounds like he is putting the child/ren first.

It’s not unusual for access to kids to change around Christmas. Did he confirm plans with his ex for Christmas before making plans?

I wouldn’t change seeing my kids because my boyfriend fancied doing something that day. But I did often change plans for exh. For the kids. The kids always knew they would be mine and which nights they would be at mine. I might have them extra, but never swapped my own. They have enough ups and downs and having that stability helps.

I think you have both jumped into relationships too soon after your respective splits and he is still finding his way with shared residency. And at this point he is prioritising the kids and doing what he feels is right there. You may choose to handle your situation with your kids and your ex differently. Doesn’t mean one is wrong and one is right. You just aren’t compatible.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t an arrangement where contact is not variable. It’s that he varies it to suit his ex, but is rigid about not asking her for changes.

And the Christmas Day thing is one where there were plans, the OP aligned hers with his (sounds like the plan was to spend the time without the kids with her partner) but he’s changed the plans to suit his ex. He’d rather negatively impact her Christmas Day than insist his ex sticks to the original plan.

Whether this is putting his kids first or deciding the easiest thing for him is to do what his ex wants, from the OP’s perspective it’s a shit deal. And, given she’s trying to have a relationship with him, that’s a problem.

making out she’s unreasonable for expecting her partner to consider her isn’t fair. He can just stay single and focus on his separated family if that’s his priority.

Or he's jumped at the chance to spend more of Christmas with his child?

So?

If someone is regularly making it clear that they will ditch you given the chance of something better - after you’ve organised your time to accommodate them - then its a good sign that you should walk away from the relationship.

It doesn’t matter why they’re ditching you. Men who do this, should stay single rather than make it clear their subsequent partners are merely options for them.

You say you both recently went through difficult separations and at the same time have been together 10 months? How long were you both actually physically and legally separated from your exes before getting together? Knitting wrong with being discreet or plans changing in the first year or so as every settles into this new dynamic

That’s especially true if you’ve organised Christmas Day to accommodate them (and for around their contact plans).

good partners would recognise that just letting your girlfriend down on Christmas Day after making plans with her, because he got a better offer, is not a nice thing to do.

Having kids from a previous relationship doesn’t make it ok to treat your partners poorly. And those partners should find someone else because they deserve more.

He’s not ready for another relationship. And as if he’s just prioritising the kids and that makes him an amazing dad. They have shared care and his ex seems more than happy to ditch the kids when something better comes up. He’s spineless.

YANBU and I would find someone who isn’t enmeshed with his ex.

This stuff is complicated and takes honesty and boundaries to work, he’s not going to bring you long term happiness. You’ve given it a go, he’s not changing, move on.

Don't be a non playable character in your own life OP.

This is a relationship where your needs come last. That's no way to live and you will become a shell of yourself. It will take away something in you that will be hard to get back.

A man who's going to prioritise a new woman over the chance to spend Christmas with his children, doesn't have any characteristics I find attractive, but of course if that's what OP wants this isn't the man for her.

She's had three months notice of the change.

Is the ex wife not prioritising her DC then?

Op, leave. You don't need this shit.

But it’s all about point of view.

That’s your point of view. It’s October. Christmas plans often change. When my kids were small and I had the chance to have the kids more of Christmas, I absolutely would change my plans.

My Dp has always known that’s how it is. My Dp (and the op) is more than welcome to say ‘that’s not for me and this isn’t the relationship for me’.

Dps point of view is that he wants to be with me, the kids (though one is just an adult) will be my priority. After 5 years they are also his. Dd didn’t come home from Uni last week, as planned as she was unwell and didn’t want to travel. He made sure she knew he would go get her and told her that if she got any worse we were going for her. Regardless of our plans. I love Dp more for being like that with my kids.

What works for one relationship, doesn’t for another. The op and this man aren’t compatible. But that doesn’t mean he is wrong or that he must remain single.

Youve only been together 10 months and if you don’t like the way he does things regarding his child and previous family you are free to leave. What you shouldn’t be doing is trying to change him. He’s right to put his child and her home life above the girlfriend he’s had for five minutes.

You shouldn’t be asking him to accommodate things you fancy doing when he’s supposed to have his child in the first place.

Actually I think YABU. It's not his ex he's doing these things for ultimately. It's his kids. He's not going to cancel seeing his kids to do things for you, and rightly so.

It doesn't sound like he's cancelling plans with you to suit her.

Imagine how you'd feel about your ex constantly messing you around to facilitate his new girlfriends social calendar.

We've both been separated for almost two years. Both of our exes have new DP's too and altogether there are 8 children involved. Between the 6 of us (exes, new partners etc) we tried to come up with a Xmas plan to suit all of the children and one they were happy with. This was eventually achieved.

Ex-w has now decided it doesn't suit her as she won't get any personal time with her new DP on Xmas day and wants to change it. I would never object but I have pointed out that this now leaves me on my own on Xmas afternoon and night, it's already going to be a very emotive day for all of us and I'm certainly not prepared to change a plan that my DC's were happy with, I'll be fine by myself.

I have DC's and I completely understand the importance of their security and that they always come first.