Ex wife ALWAYS comes first - WWYD?

[graystoon82]

I have a new DP of 10 months and we are very fond of each other. We both recently went through quite difficult separations and we are having a lovely time together, things are good. He's very kind to me and ever so loving.

BUT. His ex-wife seems to dictate everything. She's not particularly difficult (in fact she seems quite nice) but he constantly backs down to her, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship.

Couple of examples - they recently sold the family home. He was allowed the washing machine and nothing else (despite expressing other items he'd like)
They have a very solid access routine, almost 50/50. A few times I've asked him if he could swap it around if something has come up that I'd like to do, the answer is that he refuses to mess ex-w around however she's asked to change things numerous times for holidays and nights out and he's accommodated immediately. His Xmas plans were changed by her, after we'd built both of our xmases (we both have children) around the agreed arrangement, this has resulted in me now spending Xmas afternoon on my own.

The most recent thing (last night) is that we can't post anything on social media when he has a day off as ex-w will find out that he's been off and hasn't asked to have DD. I find this bizarre and quite frankly I'm annoyed that we have to keep everything secret.

So I guess AIBU and WWYD? My confidence has been knocked after my separation so I think I don't always see things as clearly as I have before

How long have you been separated?

Has the divorce gone through from his side?

I think it's still early to be prioritising each other at Christmas. He isn't as commited to the relationship as you as his priority is making the situation with ex work well which maybe the best long term strategy but isn't good for you.

Match his level of investment as you appear keener to make the relationship work. Don't blame the ex as she isn't causing his behaviour.

I'd never expect him to cancel his plans with his kids, on two occasions I'd asked if a swap to the next night could be considered. I appreciate your point though!

My ex-h is in a successful band and I have to accommodate that a lot of the time but we are willing to swap around a little bit. Everybody's arrangements are different though, I guess we are all just trying to find a way forward.

Speaking as someone who has been in your position, being dictated by the ex wife who won't change her plans but expected us to drop ours at short notice you will end up festering with resentment which will spoil the relationship. End it now before that happens

OP, you seem to be focussing too much on this relationship and not enough on your own children. At this stage of post-separation/divorce, it might be better for you to take a big step away from this (or any) 'blended family' type relationship and really focus on your children and their needs and less on your boyfriend's ex wife.

The social media thing is just silly. Nobody needs to put coupley pictures of themselves on social media. I would dump any man who wanted to do that like the proverbial hot potato.

I'd have a read of the step parenting boards on here. Blended families can work, but they often don't.

There are many, many men out there who don't come with these complications. I'd have a long break and enjoy your own company and that of your children before entering into another long term relationship. If you date anyone, I'd just keep it as fun and not involve the children at all.

Some of these replys are so patronising.

I'm sure you're a very good mum OP and what you're asking for isn't unreasonable in the slightest. MN is bonkers around girlfriends of divorced dads.

I don't have fb anymore but if you have it's not abnormal to post days out with your boyfriend of 10 months.

Don't spend the next few years becoming bitter and resentful because of a controlling ex and a partner who hasn't got boundaries.

FYI I have never ever made a fuss about my dcs dad having days out or holidays when he hasn't got dc. Most stable people don't give a flying fig what their ex does. Unstable people do. Unstable people make plans and then change them to control the situation, unstable people care about what others do on SM and try to dictate shit. Send this man back OP. He won't bring a lasting happiness to your life. He's bringing baggage that will deeply impact you.

He's spineless, leave now because it will get worse not better!

What do you mean by almost 50/50? If she’s taking on the lion’s share, I think a bit of tact about him having days off etc is an excellent idea. Depends how equal the arrangements actually are.

Dump the spineless thing

Sadly this is why I always said I would only date a man with children is his former wife was dead. Don't want another woman sticking her oar in on my relationship in any way shape or form.

OP let's clarify things here:
You had a plan which suited everyone, including All the children. His Ex suddenly demanded something different to suit HER - and he agreed, knowing how that leaves You. This has absolutely nothing to do with putting his children first. It's so blatantly putting his ex first!
Regarding the other changes, I actually disagree with posters saying that it's bad for the children. It's a 50-50 arrangement, so clearly he sees them very regularly. A day or night here and there that he can swap should not be a big deal and the children will not be harmed in the slightest. Parents are allowed to go out, have hobbies and attend events. They hire babysitters, ask grandparents to help, or swap days with their exes. All completely normal.
I don't see how you will ever be happy and feeling truly loved and secure with this man. He is putting his Ex before you and that is really unacceptable.
And being scared to have a day off child-free? When the children are not even meant to be with him?!
His whole life revolves too much around what his Ex would say and being some kind of perfect-martyr father who always puts himself and his girlfriend last. For me the Xmas plan change would be enough to tell him where to go.

I wouldn’t lose sleep over the Christmas situation - being an adult it’s more important the DC are all sorted with plans and sometimes it’s worked out I have to take one for the team and there is a period of the day I am not with them, or DP but I can make other plans. Don’t end up fighting this Ex wife over who gets to be with their new DP - being on your own a few hours is hardly terrible and Xmas is just a normal day really, see your friends or family instead?

the issue is he won’t ask her at all to change any plans and you aren’t allowed to post on FB if you go out. Tbh I would give this guy a wide berth because he isn’t ready to really have a relationship yet

Hi OP, I actually get this from both sides.

He is prioritising his dd over you - not his ex. This is his issue not his ex’s.

Leaving you on your own on Xmas day is shit but I would have a really good look at why you were willing to bend over backwards especially at Christmas for a man you have known less than a year. That’s something you have to look at.

This whole situation looks really messy, you shouldn’t be having to manoeuvre your life around everyone else’s kids arrangements. Your boyfriend should have looked at what YOU were doing and seen if it worked and he could see you on that day - now because you were too willing to accommodate everyone else you’ve been left on your own on Christmas Day.

But it’s not his ex fault because he agrees with it.

And I can see his point of view - he probably feels guilt that he doesn’t live with his child and jumps at every chance to have her.

For your own sanity I would back off from this.

Is their divorce finalised, inc all financials and child arrangements order? He might just be trying to placate her until that's all settled. If not, either she's a bit of a crazy, controlling ex or he's a pussy (or both) - wouldn't share any marital possessions other than the washing machine? Only other thing is if he's still besotted by her.

Swapping contact days should be a two way, mutually agreed thing. He should stop rolling over if he thinks she'd never reciprocate.

Social media is a load of bollocks at the best of times - it's all insecure people seeking validation or just trying to show off. If you don't want her to see what you're posting, just block her. If he won't block her, then at least put her on a restricted list, so she doesn't get to see his updates anyway.

The Christmas arrangements sound shit. I wouldn't agree to a change that would leave someone all by themselves, again he's a pussy for rolling over for that. Where exactly is your partner going to be while you're alone? If he's round hers with his ex and their child, you should insist that you're there too. If you're trying to mutually agree contact with multiple kids/families to all fit around each other, then you shouldn't have to try to arrange all your lives so ex's and current partners never come into contact. You either need to get along or you don't even try.

Please don’t follow this advice to force yourself on people at Christmas this will backfire horribly on you. Anyway from what Op says she’s jealous that ex wife gets alone time with her new DP at the expense of OP getting the time with her new DP (who gave up seeing OP at Christmas to have his own child). The ex wife has given her child to the father for a period of time on Xmas day that now means OP will be alone (although plenty of time to rectify that). So her DP chose his child, not his ex.

Hes still early days out of his marriage really and perhaps he doesn’t actually want to or not ready to start going down serious relationship number 2 with this big split of what seems to be resentment. Perhaps he subconsciously is not ready to give you what you want. Perhaps he likes having the freedom to have his child more, and that means it will be at the expense of your precious couple time. His child means more to him than you do, not his ex. A man who is excited and keen to see his child more and willing to forgo his social life is a good dad, yes?

I think it's awful that you had a nice plan for Christmas and your DP and his ex have screwed it up so you'll be alone for the afternoon. I'd be really cross and sad that your DP didn't stand up for you about that.

The ex wife has given her child to the father for a period of time on Xmas day that now means OP will be alone (although plenty of time to rectify that). So her DP chose his child, not his ex.

The exW hasn’t magnanimously given the child’s father some time with the child on Christmas Day here.

She agreed to one plan to ensure the child spends time with both its parents and then, after it was agreed and all sorts of other plans were made, decided it didn’t suit her and how she wanted things with her partner. So she decided to change things.

The boyfriend here decided he’d prefer to do what his ex said and leave his girlfriend alone (after she’d organised her day to align with his plans). He’s not choosing his child - he’s deciding he’d rather keep his ex happy and do what she wants.

He could have said that he wanted to keep the existing arrangement to see his child whether it suits his ex’s boyfriend.

Just because there is a child involved somewhere doesn’t mean the decisions are child-centred in nature. This one
sounds like the exW fitting the child into her plans and the OP’s boyfriend just changing his plans to accommodate that.

I think you need to put yourself and your own DC first and stop trying to cater to all these other people.

The right man will fit into your current life as it is and not put you last.

She is trying to split you up !
Of course the kids will always come first but its give and take with him and his wife. One day he will have to let her down and it will be all your fault of course.

😂😂😂😂

This

It is not relevant why or how the ex asked her child’s father to have her child she’s not in a relationship with the ex wife. Her DP accepted and he now has his child on Xmas day. Clearly at 10 months their relationship is too new to feature joint Christmas with new partners children and OP herself has arranged for HER children to be with their father and this meant she could be with her boyfriend.. so this is somewhat of a circular argument don’t you think?

Both women are trying to spend time with their new blokes and navigating kids/exes. OP ‘lost out’ to ex wife in the Xmas day battle and is feeling put out that her DP seems to let his ex do whatever she wants.. forgetting that this means he sees his child MORE, which is clearly what he wants to do. He’s not trying to keep his ex happy

This won't get better. I put up with this sort of crap for 2 years and it never got better!