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Original poster

AIBU to say no to relocating

47 replies

melj22 · 06/10/2022 07:21

So we have relocated 7 times in the past 5 years for my partners work. Most of these relocations have been completely his choice and I haven't wanted to move, two were forced due to work falling through. We agreed once our oldest started school we would not relocate again, he has been at school 6 months now and my partner is saying we have to relocate again. He is self-employed and has accepted contracts on the West Coast (3 hours drive away), it is approx 6 months work per year. He says we have to move as he doesn't want to travel and stay away. I really want to stick with the agreement we made and not make our boys relocate AGAIN. Me and the kids are happy and settled where we are and the West Coast offers a lot less to us than where we are. My partner is the main breadwinner, I do the admin for his business from home and look after the kids. AIBU to say no to relocating? Or should I move to make his life easier but turn mine and the kids lives upside down again.

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 06/10/2022 07:24

Stay where you are - it sounds like you’ve found somewhere you’re happy to live. You know if you relocate now it will only happen again and again and again…

Bestcatmum · 06/10/2022 07:25

Thzts ridiculous. You can't put children through this they will have no roots and stability or normal life.
He is being incredibly selfish. Why can't he work away and come home at weekends and put his children first. Id be putting my foot down.

CheshireCats · 06/10/2022 07:26

I would not move. This is no life for children.

KangarooKenny · 06/10/2022 07:26

Do not move. Time for him to put his family first.

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/10/2022 07:27

Absolutely not. Has he no regard for you or your children having any kind of stability, community, wellbeing? Constantly having to move is terrible for kids, especially once in school. He either needs to travel or find a job closer to where you are and stop flitting around the country. How can he possibly think 5-6 moves in 7 years is ok?

rubyslippers · 06/10/2022 07:27

I think you should stay put
why can’t your partner stay away in the week and be back at weekends? Not ideal either
moving that much is disruptive, expensive and tiring

Uprooting kids from school every few months is not good - there’s more than him to consider

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 06/10/2022 07:28

Put the children first. They deserve roots and stability. You do too!

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 07:29

This must be absolutely awful for your children

you need to advocate strongly for them and say no. No. No. No.

HOTHotPeppers · 06/10/2022 07:30

If he doesn't want to travel for work he needs to find work closer to home! You can't keep moving with kids.

Sparkletastic · 06/10/2022 07:32

Why has he accepted work that he is in no place to deliver? You can't keep doing this to your kids.

Mombie2016 · 06/10/2022 07:33

Nope, he can work away. Selfish twat.

Redqueenheart · 06/10/2022 07:42

Refuse to move from now on. It is unfair on you and your children.

Your husband will need to move to that new location on his own and commute to see his family at the weekend or less often for the next few months.

By now he should have found a better way to make a living and not think that it is acceptable to move his family around like this.

I would rethink the whole relationship if he does not accept that there is a major issue with his behaviour and he does not grasp that he needs to find work closer to home.

basilmint · 06/10/2022 07:43

I know a few men who do contract-based for several months at a time. If the only contract they can find is based in another part of the country, they stay away on the days they can't work from home. It usually goes with the territory of contractor work. Totally unrealistic to expect your family to keep following you around.

Original poster
melj22 · 06/10/2022 07:52

So nice to have some reassurance that I am not being unreasonable to say no to relocating again. The contracts are only 6 months work so he would be away 8 nights a month. He has threatened that if I don't come he will go himself and we will break up, to which I said 'ok' as I am not being blackmailed into it, hoping it doesn't come to that though as I could not handle if it ended up with him being granted some custody as I couldn't trust him to take care of the kids properly and that battle/situation would be even more unsettling for the kids than the relocation.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 06/10/2022 07:53

I don’t think you should move. But you don’t appear to be married or in secure accommodation. Are you going to be able to support yourself on your own if he goes anyway?

SallyWD · 06/10/2022 07:58

Seven times in 5 years?! That's awful! We've relocated twice in 10 years for my husband's work and I said we're not moving again until the children have finished their education. It's incredibly disruptive and stressful to keep moving. My husband recently started getting itchy feet again in terms of his employment. I said he can work wherever he wants but he'll have to commute. Me and the children are staying put. We have a nice house in a beautiful area. The kids are happy and at good schools. There's no way we're moving. He's completely accepted that and knows it's unfair to uproot us. Your husband needs to realise how unfair it is.

Original poster
melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:02

I should be ok, NZ provide really good support for solo mum's and I have a full plan sorted for if he did leave for my peace of mind.

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 06/10/2022 08:04

Crikey, no, especially not now they're in school. Bad enough before that. We relocated for my job last year - 200 miles - and the upheaval was unreal. And that was for a permanent contract! Plus it can be hard to get school places, especially more than one, you're likely to end up with your kids at the poorly performing school that has spaces.

When I lived in lodgings there were often contractors who lived there week nights, then went home to families at the weekend. Why can he do that? He could find a room in lodgings via Spareroom.

Peridot1 · 06/10/2022 08:06

He needs to grow up put his children first. You can’t constantly uproot children. Especially not for short contracts. Being away for 8 nights a month is nothing. Many men are away Monday to Friday. Not ideal but sometimes necessary.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 06/10/2022 08:06

Why would he get custody if he's working away all the time? If he's moving around every six months then of course no court is going to give him custody because it means that the children will have to move with him and won't be able to see you.

ValerieDoonican · 06/10/2022 08:07

How are you (or dP for that matter) going to have any kind of social lives or social support if you keep moving? And exactly the same x 100 for the kids. A good dad would not do this to his family, because he would realise they are people with their own needs and own lives, and not just accessories in his.

Dery · 06/10/2022 08:10

Unless you have consciously decided to adopt a traveller lifestyle, and you clearly haven’t, moving 7 times in 5 years is crazy and very disruptive for you all. As PP have said, it means you never get to put down roots, create and sustain friendships and so on. And it’s hopeless now DC is in school. So you need to stick to your guns. Plenty of people work away from home in those circumstances and return whenever they can. It’s a bad sign that he’s defaulted to threatening to split up. He doesn’t sound very reasonable.

ValerieDoonican · 06/10/2022 08:11

Oh and it is probably time you thought about a job outside his business, you have the skills so perhaps it is worth formalising those skills with some business qualifications so you can look for work to bring some outside money in as well. That could only improve your situation whether he stays or goes I would have thought.

Mischance · 06/10/2022 08:15

Will this pattern of 6 months here, 6 months there continue into the foreseeable future? If so, you need a proper conversation about the future. There is no way you can keep relocating your family.

Original poster
melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:19

I have wanted to get a part time job for a wee while now, since our youngest has been settled in preschool, but he says he can't do the business without me doing the admin side for him, but I definitely agree, having my own job would provide much more security for me and the kids, I have good qualifications and skills so no worries getting one. I think he would be much better off on wages as much as I love him I just don't think be is cut out for business but it's his decision whether he stays in business or work on wages unfortunately not mine.

OP posts: