Page 2 | AIBU to say no to relocating

melj22 · 2022-10-06T06:21:41+00:00

So we have relocated 7 times in the past 5 years for my partners work. Most of these relocations have been completely his choice and I haven't wanted to move, two were forced due to work falling through. We agreed once our oldest started school we would not relocate again, he has been at school 6 months now and my partner is saying we have to relocate again. He is self-employed and has accepted contracts on the West Coast (3 hours drive away), it is approx 6 months work per year. He says we have to move as he doesn't want to travel and stay away. I really want to stick with the agreement we made and not make our boys relocate AGAIN. Me and the kids are happy and settled where we are and the West Coast offers a lot less to us than where we are. My partner is the main breadwinner, I do the admin for his business from home and look after the kids. AIBU to say no to relocating? Or should I move to make his life easier but turn mine and the kids lives upside down again.

Original poster

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:21

And with the custody, in NZ the latest trend is for the court to rule one week on, one week off for each parent, rather than one stable home which I don't agree with but that is what they seem to be doing, I just couldn't subject the kids to that. Hopefully it doesn't come to that though.

OP posts:

TiaraBoo · 06/10/2022 08:22

Why would you even consider it for a 6 month contract?!
And for him to jump straight to breaking up rather than talking it through calmly shows he’s selfish with no regard at all for his family.

TiaraBoo · 06/10/2022 08:23

@melj22 surely that would not work with kids at school in one part of the country and their dad working wherever he felt like.

jeaux90 · 06/10/2022 08:26

I think you are doing the right thing for your kids.

averythinline · 06/10/2022 08:27

But realistically hes not going to ask for custody if you split if he continues moving every 6months...i wouldn't have thought any court would exoect kids to change schools all the time??
And equally he doesn't serm that bothered about them if thinks moving them all the time is a good idea....

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 08:27

Your marriage is toxic and quite honestly sounds like two of you despise one another. This issue is drop in ocean.

Original poster

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:27

Sorry it is 6months of work a year (2 weeks every month roughly), but one contract will go for ten years and the other has no end date.

That is definitely true re the custody, it would work in my favour that the kids are at school in this area, glad you pointed that out.

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 08:28

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:21

And with the custody, in NZ the latest trend is for the court to rule one week on, one week off for each parent, rather than one stable home which I don't agree with but that is what they seem to be doing, I just couldn't subject the kids to that. Hopefully it doesn't come to that though.

Is this your interpretation or the advice of a family law specialist lawyer?

Quveas · 06/10/2022 08:28

melj22 · 06/10/2022 07:52

So nice to have some reassurance that I am not being unreasonable to say no to relocating again. The contracts are only 6 months work so he would be away 8 nights a month. He has threatened that if I don't come he will go himself and we will break up, to which I said 'ok' as I am not being blackmailed into it, hoping it doesn't come to that though as I could not handle if it ended up with him being granted some custody as I couldn't trust him to take care of the kids properly and that battle/situation would be even more unsettling for the kids than the relocation.

8 nights a month hardly constitutes working away, never mind a reason for relocating. To be honest if he is this selfish then you may be best rid of him if he can't see that he is disrupting his families lives and his children's education for 36 nights. Unbelievably, half the men in the world would give an arm and a leg for an excuse to have a night out with the boys after work that often without their partner complaining!

Don't give in. If you do you may as well buy a caravan. You'll be moving forever.

jay55 · 06/10/2022 08:30

8 nights a month away, would be less time away from his kids and you than a split.

Please do get a job and build up more security for yourself independent of him.

Original poster

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:31

Just my interpretation from what I have seen happen with friends and family... I will definitely speak to a lawyer if I think it is seriously on the cards though.

OP posts:

BuildersTeaMaker · 06/10/2022 08:34

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:21

And with the custody, in NZ the latest trend is for the court to rule one week on, one week off for each parent, rather than one stable home which I don't agree with but that is what they seem to be doing, I just couldn't subject the kids to that. Hopefully it doesn't come to that though.

How would that even work if he moves so far away- they’d be going to two different schools? Wtf

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 08:35

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:31

Just my interpretation from what I have seen happen with friends and family... I will definitely speak to a lawyer if I think it is seriously on the cards though.

Most definitely.

this should be your priority. You have started numerous threads on how profoundly unhappy you are and always given the same advice. But then you don’t do anything and just start another thread.

the time has come to get done proper legal advice rather than mumsnet

Original poster

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:36

I will stick with my guns, say no to relocating, get a part time job so he will have to do his admin himself, and get some advice from a lawyer re custody just in case. Thanks everyone for the advice and support. Not looking forward to his reaction but will try to stay strong for my babies.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 06/10/2022 08:36

I generally think if there is a clear breadwinner, the other might need to accept some moving around. But this much, absolutely not. Stick to your guns and if he wants to split over this so be it.

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 08:39

To focus your mind op

you posted this. 4 years ago.

melj22 · 31/12/2018 08:03
I think talking to a solicitor now is a great idea - will help me find out where I stand with everything and might help me make the decision - if I had a really good chance of OH only getting supervised contact that would be enough for me to decide to end it now, will try and get to see one as soon as they all start back after the break :-)

BuildersTeaMaker · 06/10/2022 08:42

melj22 · 06/10/2022 08:27

Sorry it is 6months of work a year (2 weeks every month roughly), but one contract will go for ten years and the other has no end date.

That is definitely true re the custody, it would work in my favour that the kids are at school in this area, glad you pointed that out.

8 nights away form home a month? Bloody hell op…I did more than that with a job based in my home town. Lots of people have to travel with work..I travelled 60% of my time. No, it wasn’t great. No I didn’t like it, but We needed me to earn that money (ex couldn’t work ) so I relied on him to be the SAHP whilst I was away .

I’d be very suspicious that he wants you there to look after him while he is doing such a hard days work. Ties in with the you can’t get a pt job as he needs you to do his books. Bugger that game of soldiers. He is selfishly putting his wants ( not needs) above you and his own bloody kids.
land if he insists on divorce, tell him he can have custody but it will be on negotiated terms that may not fit in with his variable contracts with x days away each month. E.g. if next contract is different days away tough shit. Helll find it a lot less flexible .

BuildersTeaMaker · 06/10/2022 08:46

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 08:39

To focus your mind op

you posted this. 4 years ago.

melj22 · 31/12/2018 08:03
I think talking to a solicitor now is a great idea - will help me find out where I stand with everything and might help me make the decision - if I had a really good chance of OH only getting supervised contact that would be enough for me to decide to end it now, will try and get to see one as soon as they all start back after the break :-)

You do know that leaving a marriage, or partner, even in cases of domestic abuse, is really difficult and can sometimes take years and years to come to a decision. Particularly where there are children involved, and the poster is not self sufficient financially
it is fine that she posted in 2018, 1880, or is still posting in 15 years time,
a lot of stuff has happened to her since 2018 I imagine. Circumstances will have changed somewhat.

I think it’s a bit sad that you look up peoples posting history and then throw it back at them.

iRun2eatCake · 06/10/2022 08:56

BuildersTeaMaker · 06/10/2022 08:46

You do know that leaving a marriage, or partner, even in cases of domestic abuse, is really difficult and can sometimes take years and years to come to a decision. Particularly where there are children involved, and the poster is not self sufficient financially
it is fine that she posted in 2018, 1880, or is still posting in 15 years time,
a lot of stuff has happened to her since 2018 I imagine. Circumstances will have changed somewhat.

I think it’s a bit sad that you look up peoples posting history and then throw it back at them.

Show quote history

I interpreted that .... not as a negative towards the OP.... but to remind her that it hasn't been a settled relationship for a long time... and that she has obviously tried to make it work since 2018 ... but now it's time to put her and DC first

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/10/2022 09:10

Once we had kids, me and dh made the agreement that he would travel for work, and I would stay put. I always had a Job where we lived, he commuted-sometimes 4/5 hours a day if needed. He was freelance.
If we had followed him, the kids would have changed schools every year
.

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 09:45

iRun2eatCake · 06/10/2022 08:56

I interpreted that .... not as a negative towards the OP.... but to remind her that it hasn't been a settled relationship for a long time... and that she has obviously tried to make it work since 2018 ... but now it's time to put her and DC first

Show quote history

Correct

Goldbar · 06/10/2022 09:46

When kids are happily settled into a school, parents should aim to keep them in that school unless there is a very good reason for moving them and it is a one-off move intended ultimately to provide stability. How are your kids going to learn to make friends and put down roots if they're constantly having their stability pulled from under them?

In your situation, I'd put my foot down, refuse to move and start looking at other jobs to gain some financial independence.

Surely the only way your partner would get shared custody of the DC would be if he was living locally and could take them to school everyday?