Am I paranoid or what?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I probably am, but I have zero intelligence when it comes to tech 😬.

About 3 or 4 years ago I found out dp was staying up and watching porn when I thought he was gaming.

Our sex life was rubbish at the time, still is really. Tbf it’s opportunity more now because of the kids.

He ordered something for me at the weekend and I expected to have received it by now. I asked him if I could check his emails to track, looked in inbox and junk. When in junk there were about 6/7 from random women wanting to meet. Totally don’t think they were sent especially to him, more of a advertising or whatever thing.

I have never received any emails from men offering a good shag (unfortunately 😂), so why is he receiving them.

am I paranoid to think he is still looking at porn, or will they be from looking years ago?

Also, if he was just looking at porn, why would they have his email address? I know enough to know you can look at loads without giving you details.

Anyone with advice would be greatly received, thank you!

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. It's a separate issue to whether or not he's been looking at porn.

If you do trust him, you wouldn't be posting.

I wonder whether he signed up for something like only fans where you would give your email address (presumably!)

@Watchkeys very true yes, but doesn’t stop me wanting to know!

I get lots of emails like that in my spam box.

@OnTheBrinkOfChange how would I ever find that out though.

We have 3 kids, been together 14 years, I really need to know

I get lots of emails in my junk inbox offering me sex with women; have no idea why as I’ve never signed up for any of these sites etc. I get why you’re questioning it based on the past but I’m also inclined to think that he wouldn’t be letting you check his email accounts if he had anything to hide

@Butterfly44 have you ever signed up for dating etc?

Isn't it rather a side issue? Like sitting on the sofa worrying about feeling too warm whilst your house burns down around you? Aren't you interested in dealing with the actual problem? I can't imagine trying to have a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

@Chdjdn thats what I thought, but he is shifty if I ever have his phone

@Watchkeys i agree with you, but is my lack of trust paranoia though..

I get loads of spam like that in my junk folders. He probably is still watching porn though

Actually this sounds kind of gaslighty.

@YummyCookie would it still be coming through now after 3/4 years if he hadn’t of been looking

Actually this sounds kind of gaslighty

How? OP has indicated that she doesn't trust her partner, and is concerning herself with what's on his phone. The phone isn't really the issue, surely? The fact that she doesn't trust him is probably... quite important? Why is that gaslighty?

My yahoo email gets a lot of junk.
From singles wanting to meet; women wanting me ( never men, strangely) - to all kinds of random stuff. Lottery winning, random weird clothing, Recent one that made me chuckle was something about Knitting Exhibit I couldn’t miss.
I am not not dating apps. Also I don’t knit, well I tried as a kid.
I do not know how they get my email - I presume online vendors sell their databases.

None of that says anything about your partner, or why your sex life isn’t getting better. Does he recognise there is an issue? And do you think it is fixable?

@MMmomDD thank you, that does put my mind at rest a bit.

A while ago I was looking at his instagram, loads of things from single sexy women too. Made me paranoid. I don’t understand instagram, but surely he must have looked at something for them all to pop up?

I asked him, he lost his temper and deleted instagram!

@Workinghardeveryday
Instagram - is like spam emails. Spam just arrives.

But - why wood you do this to yourself? You have 3 kids - why bother with ‘did he click on an provocative picture on Instagram’? He also sees other women the moment he leaves the house.
Worrying about this will only make you more and more unhappy. Life is too short.

In your place - I’d try to figure out if your sex life is salvageable. What is the issue, really? Do you actually what to have sec with him? Do you need to organise date nights or get babysitter? Etc

I have loads of these in my junk folder.

They read as personal rather than just advertising the dating site

I've never used porn or anything dodgy at all. Companies sell your email addresses and these scammers buy them.

There isn't really a beautiful bored 35 year old desperately wanting to have sex with me and imagining my enormous cock!

The other stuff I can't explain amd you clearly don't trust him - not a criticism of you! But this on its own, I wouldn't give any thought to.

I get things like that (aimed at men but I'm a woman.) I don't particularly watch porn or anything.

Just totally random spam. I get these too. Plus penis enlargement supplement adverts. I’ve been happily married for 12 years. It’s just totally random.

I remember Dh hired a young lad (16) and he used to come in to work so chuffed and showing Dh how ‘Anna’ had messaged him offering sex. Dh had to explain to him that it’s just Russian bots.

Honestly, op, you’re being paranoid. My spam is filled with this stuff and I’m not doing anything remotely titillating on the internet.

@MMmomDD thank you, I know you are right.

i hope it is. We are never without the kids. When they were little it was easy, they were asleep by 7, we had all night. Dd16 is awake later than us, ds and dd11 it’s 9.30-10. If we make any noise they wake up. It’s impossible!

People often assume it’s difficult when kids are small, we have struggled to have together time since dd16 (nearly 17) was 9/10.

jez, no wonder he might be looking at porn 😔.

for us to have sex we need to take a day off work. It’s ridiculous!

@mindutopia that is reassuring, thank you ☺️

@Workinghardeveryday
Get the 16yo noise cancelling headphones for Xmas. I am sure she is online at night anyway. And would prefer not to hear noises.

Put in a lock on your bedroom door. Play soft music or TV. If they wake up - they don’t need soothing. And by 11 - they know about sex. They aren’t going to want to come to your room anyway.

As to porn - I am of the camp that if it’s not used instead of having sex with the partner, it’s not an issue. Given your domestic challenge with scheduling sex - it’s not the case of him avoiding sex with you. Why are you so hyper-vigilant over it?

@Workinghardeveryday
As others have said spam inbox. Not main inbox though. And I've noticed this is only in my yahoo and not my gmail junk box. I assume as someone else said that email address was "sold" or whatever to get these random emails, many mentioning dollars etc.
I never see them as they filter straight into spam...screenshot attached as an example.

But if he is shifty with the phone and tense if you've got hold of it this indicates an issue imo.

@Butterfly44 thank you, that has really put my mind at rest 😁