Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is it that makes a two people a couple?

27 replies

Moonah · 05/10/2022 18:55

Apart from the obvious thing - sex - what is it that is the difference between being a couple and being just friends?

Is it affection: hugging, kissing?

I'm asking because I'm trying to articulate why my H and I went from being a proper couple to being ... well, not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonah · 05/10/2022 18:56

Agh typo in my thread title. That should be What is it that makes two people a couple

OP posts:
category12 · 05/10/2022 19:06

Physical and emotional intimacy? It's not just the sex, but the pillowtalk, if you like?

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2022 19:06

The other half of a couple is the person you trust the most in the world. you are a unit, facing the world together. That can mean different things to different people, but that connection needs to be there.

Couples don’t ever have to be romantically linked. I knew an excellent couple that lasted a lifetime despite openly different sexual orientations. They just worked well together and wanted to be together in all ways except as a romantic and physical couple.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/10/2022 19:14

I feel like you can have sex with anyone. But an emotional connection, companionship, being partners, trust and loyalty, easy communication, laughter, enjoying life together is what makes a couple.

Signeduptosimplyreplytothis · 05/10/2022 19:15

Emotional intimacy. For me if that's not there then there is no relationship.

Minimalme · 05/10/2022 19:16

Have you split up op or are you trying to get your relationship back on track?

What makes people a couple is love. I have loved my husband for 20 years. During that time we've alternated between hugging, kissing, not hugging, kissing, having an active sex life, not having an active sec life.

But the love has stayed the same since the first moment I met him.

Calandor · 05/10/2022 19:17

Simply you've agreed that you are in a relationship.

Asexuals can be in a couple without sex because they've decided they feel romantically towards one another without sex.

If you mean why you don't feel you're a part of a loving couple that could just be not feeling romantic love anymore. Romantic love feels different to platonic love with or without physical contact.

Hillrunning · 05/10/2022 19:19

It is very hard to articulate really isn't it? I tried writing out a few things and they all sound trite. I'm a firm believer that a coupe has to be far far more than just friends plus sex.

There is a settled safe feeling paired with a feeling that you are bonded to each other through choice.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/10/2022 19:25

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2022 19:06

The other half of a couple is the person you trust the most in the world. you are a unit, facing the world together. That can mean different things to different people, but that connection needs to be there.

Couples don’t ever have to be romantically linked. I knew an excellent couple that lasted a lifetime despite openly different sexual orientations. They just worked well together and wanted to be together in all ways except as a romantic and physical couple.

That's what I always wanted and never happened. I think it's very rare.

Smellywellyhoo · 05/10/2022 19:56

A friendship bond is totally different to a romantic bond. Me & DP were great mates but we don't work as a couple

Moodspill · 05/10/2022 20:03

Really intrigued on this. I think if you are a sexual person then a couple has to mean sex is somewhere, surely. Whether that is with each other or it is agreed that you get that from elsewhere.
Trust and honesty I think are huge.
I think you can feel a lifelong bond but it still not be what a marriage should be.
And I think sometimes if those essential things are broken, then the damage is too hard to fix.

AsAnyFuleKno · 05/10/2022 20:05

I think when you assume the status of 'family' in each other's priorities and the way you lead your lives.

katieg03 · 05/10/2022 20:13

I think apart from the physical... For me it's knowing someone has my back, knowing you can support each other, having a sense of what each other need. Making time for each other. I saw something once that said marriage is about not wanting to give up at the same time

WordOfTheDay · 05/10/2022 20:25

Romantic love

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 20:39

Their own agreement that they're a couple. It's a bit like saying 'What makes a food good?' Some people will think it's if it's sweet, some think it's if it's filling, some think it's about the texture, temperature, macronutrient levels, vitamin content, abundance... and everybody thinks a different combination is the perfect combination for them. Coupledom can be about sex, emotional intimacy, time spent together, common interests, sense of humour, tons of other things I can't think of right now... but if two people feel that they have it, then, they have it, and nobody can say otherwise.

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 05/10/2022 20:51

I think it's a strong attachment to each other and a shared goal of being a team in life, plus a little bit of self-sacrifice.
So rather than an individual guided by their own wants/needs, you are a pair who strives to meet the couple's/family's needs. This includes putting the others in the unit above yourself sometimes, and they do the same.
Friends can be very attached, but they aren't always sharing a life and participating in it together as a couple would.
Colleagues can work as a team towards a common goal but it's an external one.
With anyone apart from your partner/family, it's rare to make the sacrifices you do - move to be with them, compromise your work, relentlessly do the little things that need doing as it makes your shared environment a better place to live. The reciprocity.
I actually don't think sex has anything to do with it. You can have sex with a stranger, and you can have a sexless couple.
Housemates can shag - they love in the same house and are physically intimate but they're not a couple without the other bits of their lives being tuned into/directed for the other.
I think it's something about standing together in a circle of intimacy, and knowing and intentionally acting to keep that circle as happy and supported as you can.

BBBBMushroom · 05/10/2022 20:55

It’s feeling comfortable with that person in any scenario and when you are with them it feels like you are being wrapped in a soft blanket but ultimately you feel safe with them.

Stars71 · 05/10/2022 21:00

Cuddling up on settee, with my feet up on his lap. His playing with my feet. Laughing together, long, lingering kisses, listening and dancing to music. That's me describing the early days of my relationship. Also the butterflies, when you know you are going to see each other.

Original poster
Moonah · 06/10/2022 06:47

Thanks everyone. I'm asking because I'm about to start therapy to help me get through leaving an abusive marriage. And one of the (many) issues I was going to bring up with the therapist was how I just don't feel like we're a "couple" anymore, but I've been struggling to articulate why.

A few PPs have mentioned emotional intimacy and trust, which hadn't occurred to me but is really interesting, because I just don't trust him anymore to be kind and compassionate to me, or to truly have my back during difficult times. So that's an interesting one to me.

OP posts:
LHReturns · 06/10/2022 06:49

When you bicker and compete about who is more tired…

Fuuuuuckit · 06/10/2022 07:53

I've had a lot going on in the last 12 months, and dp and I have only had sex a handful of times. But he's been an absolute rock for me, we are stronger than ever.

Sex doesn't make a couple. It's the emotional connection. The knowing they've got your back.

Badbaddogagain · 06/10/2022 08:07

Yup, it’s when he’s got your back, and you’ve got his. Only when it was 100% clear that XH did not have my back did I finally dump him. I hadn’t stopped having his back ☹️ but that meant nothing to him.

Ponderingwindow · 06/10/2022 13:23

AsAnyFuleKno · 05/10/2022 20:05

I think when you assume the status of 'family' in each other's priorities and the way you lead your lives.

I like this way of summarizing things.

it allows for the multitude of ways people form healthy relationships and deal with the practical logistics of coordinating lives.

BecauseICan22 · 06/10/2022 13:33

Friendship, loyalty, love, honesty, an ease when in that person's company, they know and accept you for all the best bits and the ugly ones. There is a level on intimacy outside of the sex, emotional and intellectual understanding and of course a shared chemistry.

My DH is the person in this world I feel the safest with, the most connected to and being physically close to him whether that's sex, laying with him watching a movie or being held by him when we're asleep is the most natural feeling to me.

MrsKaleidoscope · 06/10/2022 16:02

I think a proper couple is where that person feels like home to you. Safe, warm, understood, utterly accepted and valued for who you are.

Swipe left for the next trending thread