I understand a lot of this. I have been a lone parent since my children were babies. They both have additional needs, and trauma arising from the reasons I'm a lone parent. I also have no family support at all - my children are both in primary school now and have spent a total of 2 hours with family members without me present, in their entire lives. And I'm constantly reminded of that miraculous event and meant to profess never-ending gratitude for them deigning to spend time with their younger relatives.
I work full time in a very demanding job and I have chronic health issues and disabilities myself. It is completely relentless. The responsibility, for providing for them. The fear that my health will totally fail so that I can't do that anymore. I an a pile of guilt because I feel that I don't give them my best, I have no energy left. I'm snappier than I'd like to be (but always say sorry when I have been). It feels impossible with only 24 hours per day to do my job, deal with all of the stuff with social services/ SENCOS/ school/ hospitals etc and also give them the time and attention they deserve. And keep on top of the house.
Like you OP I like time by myself so that os not an issue for me. In fact I need it, several hours of downtime alone, in quiet, per day to function and I don't get enough of that!
It is hard. It is easier now in many ways than when they were babies, up many times per night and then I had work in the daytime. But now they need more emotional support, and I beat myself up that I can't do what other parents could do with 48 hours per day to do all of these things rather than 24. It is sleep that ends up sacrificed - I am down to about 5 hours most nights as there's no other choice - but it still feels like I'm dropping the ball on at least one thing (work, home, kids, life admin due to SEN) at any given time.
Sorry for the lengthy post, but you have my sympathy, and you are not alone!
However, as another poster said, would I live with another adult again? NO!! No way I'd put my happiness and our security in someone else's hands again. I have a huge mortgage and financially it is precarious - thanks Government for making it worse right now of all times!!! - but in time that should improve. And then I will be secure, with a life nobody can screw up but me, and able to sleep safe and sound knowing no partner can ruin that either.
Things that I've found that help:
- Find a good nanny or babysitter so you can go out for dinner with a friend even if just once every two or three months. This is not an extravagance, it is a necessity for you to remain sane.
- Gradually made a network of great friends here that I can call on in an emergency (I have only lived in this area since just before they were born so had no established network). This takes a lot of pressure off, mentally.
- Find a handyman or similar to do heavy lifting/ jobs you cannot do - well worth the money and not expensive to call them in every couple of months for a couple of hours to fix stuff.
- Therapy. Life hasn't turned out how you planned or wanted, but you can move past this with the right support and design a life you want.
- It's yet another battle but with an autistic DD, are you getting the right support you should have from social services? Occupational therapy, respite, funding for additional childcare costs that result from her SEN?
- Accessing support groups of people who actually understand autism. Have you considered that if your daughter is autistic, you may be as well? There is a strong genetic link, and that might explain a large amount of why you find this pressure of being the only parent so overwhelming.
- Have you read up on PDA? You only gave a snapshot of your daughter's behaviour but this was SO much like my daughter that it made me think perhaps she has a PDA profile? In which case there are strategies that can help you manage her behaviour to make it less exhausting for you both.
- And finally - take up drinking (joke).
