Hate being a single mum.

[SpinningFloppa]

I hate being a single mum, everyone says it gets better/easier but it doesn’t.
Its been 5 years and hasn’t got any easier If anything feels like it’s getting harder, so that ship has obviously sailed. Other single mums seem to say how much they love it and how easier they find it, I don’t feel this way at all. The things they say they love about it are the things I hate (well I hate all of it) I get told I’m lucky by other single mums that my kids dad isn’t involved? Not sure how that’s considered a good thing, but apparently it is. Does anyone else feel this way? Or equally struggle with it? I don’t know what the secret is for other mums. People say better to be a single mum than in a rubbish relationship but I’m not sure I even agree with that (unless abuse etc)

Has she got an EHCP? If so, what are the local authority doing to help you? Are they looking for a new school? Are they providing Access to Education or online tutoring? If your child was in school we would also be looking at services such as Early Help which can provide out of school help to struggling parents. Also are you part of any groups that support parents of autistic children? You can reach some of these online so you wouldn't need a babysitter. There are also clubs at weekends and after school which are specifically designed to for children with special needs and staff will understand your child even if they can demonstrate aggressive behaviours. A lot of these are free. Please look at seeking more support, you do not have to suffer alone.

No unfortunately there are no clubs around here I looked into this over the 6 weeks holiday but the sen clubs wouldn’t take children that aren’t in special schools, she was in mainstream. The LA aren’t doing anything they don't agree That the school isn’t suitable , they think the school place is fine, I don’t agree so I’ve made the decision not to send her. It’s not an option for me and I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore I’ve tried but I have no fight left.

I know it must be so hard for you without a co-parent and family support. But remember to give yourself some credit for everything you achieve on your own.

Totally understand. As a SENCo, I feel your pain about kids not being in the correct provision. Are you technically home schooling then? Have you contested their judgement? Surely the LA have some duty to provide a provision?

I have definitely seen some clubs for girls with ASD, not only for those in specialist provision. Check out Apeer: www.appeer.org.uk/ or any local ASD Outreach services in your area too.

It’s definitely tough emotionally and financially and having the companionship. However I would pick single parenting over a terrible relationship. When I was with my ex he was emotionally abusive, financially abusive - always asking for money then making excuses for why he couldn’t find a job. He was awful! I once joked about “mummy and daddy getting married”, my daughter was 5 and she said “no you shouldn’t get married” as she had picked up on fights. We were much better co parenting but since the pandemic he has not helped or visited at all - we have maybe seen him 5 times over the past 5 years (he doesn’t even show up to birthdays).

For me, I have a good support system, good friends, a business and work that keeps me busy and I couldn’t do that in a relationship that restricted me or in a relationship where we didn’t work together on childcare and responsibilities.

Yes it’s tough, but compared to so many of my married friends with children, I have weirdly had so much freedom and have been able to work on my career. I don’t regret that and me and my daughter are so close. My married friends often as me for parenting advise as me and my daughter are very close - we are more like room mates sometimes.

now that she is a teen it’s so hard to see how her fathers absence affects her way more that when she was younger. That is what I find sadder than my own loneliness or having a second pair of hands.

It is tough but I think having a good network of people makes single parenting so much easier!!

you need to find a way to look forwards to the evenings. e.g. decent TV series, glass of wine.... bubble bath. Good podcast. That kind of thing. I keep weekends for this kinda thing. Ok it's not ideal but it's something.

Some structure to weekends also helps e.g. enrol DC in a Saturday club, it gets you out of the house for a few hours. Make sure to go for a walk every single day even just for half an hour.