Struggling to find a balance (long one)

[HollyAlexa]

So a little background first. Me and my partner have been together for about 18 months and we’re looking to take things to the next step such as moving in together. I currently private rent but my house is tiny, basically a two up two down, it’s just me and my daughter and we struggle for space.
So ideally would want somewhere bigger for all three of us as we would literally be under each other’s feet.

He has a really well paid job he’s a senior manager and has shares in the company he gets around 58k a year with a 5-10 grand bonus at Christmas, then another around April and due for another raise as he’s moving up in the company. He lives at home to and has about 50 grand in savings. I’m a single working mum and get UC to top up my wages and also start a college course to become a nurse next year. So feel like we’re the prince and the pauper lol.

The slight problem is he is obsessed with everything being 50/50. For example we would go shopping and do two transactions and split the stuff we’re getting evenly at the till. I’d rather just pay for it all together myself because it’s quite embarrassing him going you pay for all that and I’ll get this in front of people. Even on nights out with friends he will say I’ve just bought us both a drink it’s your turn now. Our friends always laugh and call him tommy tight fist.
I would always offer and go I’ll get these but to be constantly reminded is annoying and embarrassing. Feel like he keeps tabs on what we’ve both paid for.

So anyway we’ve discussed the housing situation with bills/shopping etc and he wants everything split down the middle and I just can’t afford it. He’s not really taking into account that my UC would probably stop because of the wages he’s on our household income would be a lot, so I’d be on a lot less money. We’ve looked at houses so we know a rough price of what to expect and used my bills just as examples of prices (will be more as there’s an extra person using gas electric water) and even with what I get now I’ll be left with about 200£ that’s got to pay for my daughters after school clubs so I can work clothes etc. Whereas he’ll be left with over 2 grand not including bonus money.

The whole situation is embarrassing for me and we do really like each other and he’s a really nice man but I don’t know why he’s even with me, I feel ashamed that i don’t have an amazing well paid job and that I’m the one that would be worse off. I’ve suggested that maybe we both just put half our wages in and told him he would have to pay in more than me but he says it’s not fair on him to have to do that. I understand he doesn’t want anyone using him for his money but I’ve been a single mum for four years without any help and managed so definitely don’t want his money. I feel in superior, being with someone who’s got a brand new Mercedes brand new clothes and I’m driving round in an 08 fiesta I can’t keep up with his lifestyle. He says he’s not bothered about stuff like that but it bothers me. His friend drunkenly said to me can’t believe he’s driving round in that I’d never let my other half go without if I had that kind money. So everyone knows what he’s like and it’s very noticeable. I know it’s all material stuff, but if it was the other way round my child and him would want for nothing. I’m very generous but feel like he is obsessed with not spending any money. Not sure whether I’m also a bit jealous that he can afford what he wants and I’m constantly worried and struggling and with Christmas coming up it makes me want to cry.

Should I just call it quits? Or attempt to give it a go in my home first and see how it’s goes?

I'd call it quits. You don't need someone who is mean in your life.

I think you should put off moving in with him/him moving in with you and see how the relationship goes first. Especially as you have a daughter, you have her to think about and it sounds like you would be worse off and struggling for money because of his insisting on 50/50.

He doesn’t see you as a partner or a team and he’s cheap with his money. He’s not generous to you. Don’t move in

I don't think it's going to work. IME vast differences in salaries don't work. Plus if he wants 50/50 you can't manage it so effectively he's already ended it.

If he was really truly in love with u he would give u the world without u even having to ask. He is a proper miser. Greedy. Don't move in with him. He will bill I for every single thing he brings, and then what if u ask him to buy something for ur daughter? Like a passer of biscuits while he's out? Is he going to bill u for it. I'm sorry hun but I would get out now. My husband would give me his last penny, would sell his clothes to give me something I wanted. Ur man Is thinking of himself. If he believes you are after his money then stay on ur own and show him u can and ARE supporting urself. I couldn't accept anything from a person like that, it will get thrown back in your face at one point. Sorry op but I would run now x x

My friend had a boyfriend like that, insisting she bought the next drink etc. He was tedious. We were delighted when she finally dumped him.

My husband doesn’t earn much, but he’d spend his last dime to make me happy.

Your guy is miserable. He’s making you feel bad and insignificant. He’s going to be awful to live with. He wants to pile up his money while you struggle. What a gem! He’s going to be a rich, lonely old man. You deserve better.

Bin him , he will make your life miserable. Be happy in your little house with your little girl

Will your little girl really benefit if you move in together?
You will be down cash, who is going to practically take the hit on that? Will she still be able to do clubs, or have little extras, or will those have to go because you will always be trying to catch up.

Oh, and he is NOT a nice man

I'M so sorry you're in this situationcircumstances OP.

things with my DP initially seem vey similar. He on exact same wage and bonus as your DP, I work part-time and receive some benefits. He shops in designer shops and i shop in F&F and matalan! One difference is I don't any children, he has 1 adult child who is in uni. I always try pay my way when it comes to breaks, meals & drinks (at my absolute insistence) but it's inevitable that it will end up more like 70/30 or 60/40.

We are continually discussing living together and I've put it off for the longest time because I know i will never be able to match his earning potential (due to bad health, not lack of intelligence or ambition) and it makes me feel guilty and inadequate. The difference in our stories is that his solution to financial equality and so i don't feel like i have less than him in any way, is that we pay all our money into one account then we work out how much we need for bills, savings, holidays etc and then we split what's left equally so we have our own money in our own individual accounts to spend as we like. I'm still hesitating making a decision to move in but reading your story makes me realise how lucky to have someone I absolutely adore and NEVER makes me feel ashamed of our differences or makes me feel like a gold digger, either in private or in front of family and friends. I think you may have just helped me make a decision about my future.

Break up with him and date his friend, who sounds like a decent chap?

Just kidding.

You will lose your UC If you move in with him, and he's not willing to increase his share of the household outgoings to balance that, so he essentially expects you and your child to be WORSE OFF if you move in with him. He's willing for you and your child to lose money to be with him but he's not willing to do the same to be with you.

I think you know what to do.

Well, you know why he's still single. He's a tight wad. When his own friends are telling him he's mean, it has to be bad.

Not only would your UC change but you would lose all your child benefit as well because he brings in 60k+. Don't move in with him. Stay in your nice little house and look for someone more kind hearted, who loves you. You deserve better.

Sorry OP but life is going to be miserable with this man. I earn more than double what my DH earns, we both throw everything into the one pot and spend as we need. Keeping back an equal amount of money in our own accounts monthly for our own discretionary spending ie our own clothes, beauty appts, golfing etc. Everything else is family money.q

Myself or DH would go without anything for the other. Your DP sounds mean and hard work. To not split bills even on a % of salary basis when there is such a difference in salary, sounds unreasonable. Do not give up your home. Stay put with your DD.

Unequal finances can work but only if everyone understands that there are other things of value you can bring to a partnership than money. He isn't willing to consider any of the other factors (you losing your UC etc) here and you would be setting yourself up for unhappiness if you moved in with him.

What you describe is not just meanness, it's an obsession with everything being 'fair' and that will spill over into other areas further into your relationship. Two years down the line the bad will have far outweighed any good you see right now, this isn't something you can fix OP, it's a fundamental part of his character.

I support what other posters have said, and on top of that, his salary package is not that "amazing" for a "senior manager at the company"... and he's still living with his parents? Are you sure he's telling you the truth?

Honestly you’d be better off financially if you stayed as you are in your own home with your daughter. You don’t need a man like him making you financially struggle! I agree with other pps that he is tight and he seems very selfish! does he know your financial situation? Because if he does I think he’s been extremely unreasonable

This guy is already making you miserable. It will get worse in my opinion. Please don't move in with him. He sounds so mean. Instant ick

Yes, please leave him, this is very odd situation given your circumstances. He is showing a complete lack of empathy.

You’ll be worse off and he does not care. He thinks it’s fine for you to effectively have to pay for the privilege of living with him, even if it means you struggle to look after your child. Please just tell him to fuck off. Don’t be embarrassed, say you’re a stingy fuck and everyone knows it and I will be screwed if I give up my rental, and lose my uc and there are you going no you pay 25p for your half of that small fries at McDonalds while I’m thinking I can’t pay for my daughters winter coat. I thought we were in a relationship but now I realise you don’t know what a relationship is.

There is NOTHING more unattractive that a tightarse! 🤮

Call it quits. How can he genuinely think it would be fair doing 50:50 when he’s on so much more money. Sounds like he doesn’t treat you at all. This won’t change. My ex was very generous when I met him, he’d always buy the round of drinks for everyone. Yet when we started living together he revealed himself as someone who is very tight. He earns more than your partner but wears T-shirts with holes in. He wouldn’t drive an expensive car and to be fair his savings are paying for our children’s Uni and later house deposits. But I hated living like that. We ended up having our own accounts in the end but he still put 50:50 in. I earn good money too but back then not so much. Believe me he won’t change, don’t give up your house and your UC, as you’ll be worse off as he won’t help out in that way

If you feel like this now, imagine how it will feel in a couple of years time when you need money for emergency dental work (or whatever) and he offers to loan you the money for it on condition you set up a direct debit.

Get rid. This will gnaw away at you.

Oh OP I'm in a similar situation in that I'm a single mum working full time with a UC top up and I'm planning on moving in with my DP who earns 5x my salary. Well he will actually be my DH next year as we're getting married.

I explained about losing my UC and child benefit and he's happy to give me the amount I'd be losing and to split mortgage and bills as a percentage of our salary ( although I'd own the house 50/50 too). He's also happy to pay for extras such as holidays, partly because he loves us but also because he recognises that he will benefit massively financially by living together whereas I will be worse off. If you've spoken to your DP and he doesn't understand this I wouldn't move in with him. It's not right that you and your child would be worse off while he'd be gaining at your expense and a decent man would recognise this.

When I moved in with my other half, I was earning far more than him, the house was paid solely by me, but I still put his name on the mortgage, I paid to furnish the house, and paid the bills, he paid for weekly food. Many years later and married with children, we pool all our money in one account. He now earns more than me and I get to work part-time.
Sadly this man isn't thinking of you as a partnership and while people can change - my husband has always been very generous ( I used to count every penny thanks to my upbringing) and it eventually rubbed off on me - however you dp is so tight that he isn't even giving you a fair chance to start with. I would spell it out clearly, he either gives up a more reasonable % of his wages or you stick with the status quo (or end it if that's better for you and your dc).

i was in a job I hated but I continued to do it so I had money to pay for my son’s activities. His father was not forthcoming with with fair maintenance.

My husband (DS’s stepdad) told me to give up my job and paid for everything. He was almost offended that I hadn’t discussed the idea first.

would your man do that? No. He’d begrudge every penny you spent on your child or yourself. Do you think he’d be so keen to 50:50 in five years time if you start out earning him? What if you decide to have a child together, will he still want 50:50 whilst you are on mat leave? Will he pay for childcare 50:50 or will it be ‘your choice’ to work so pay all of it? If you can’t say that it will be fair now, then it will only get worse.

I would call it quits. Better to struggle on your own than be with a selfish tight wad. It will create resentment. Can't stand misers!