Struggling to find a balance (long one)

[HollyAlexa]

So a little background first. Me and my partner have been together for about 18 months and we’re looking to take things to the next step such as moving in together. I currently private rent but my house is tiny, basically a two up two down, it’s just me and my daughter and we struggle for space.
So ideally would want somewhere bigger for all three of us as we would literally be under each other’s feet.

He has a really well paid job he’s a senior manager and has shares in the company he gets around 58k a year with a 5-10 grand bonus at Christmas, then another around April and due for another raise as he’s moving up in the company. He lives at home to and has about 50 grand in savings. I’m a single working mum and get UC to top up my wages and also start a college course to become a nurse next year. So feel like we’re the prince and the pauper lol.

The slight problem is he is obsessed with everything being 50/50. For example we would go shopping and do two transactions and split the stuff we’re getting evenly at the till. I’d rather just pay for it all together myself because it’s quite embarrassing him going you pay for all that and I’ll get this in front of people. Even on nights out with friends he will say I’ve just bought us both a drink it’s your turn now. Our friends always laugh and call him tommy tight fist.
I would always offer and go I’ll get these but to be constantly reminded is annoying and embarrassing. Feel like he keeps tabs on what we’ve both paid for.

So anyway we’ve discussed the housing situation with bills/shopping etc and he wants everything split down the middle and I just can’t afford it. He’s not really taking into account that my UC would probably stop because of the wages he’s on our household income would be a lot, so I’d be on a lot less money. We’ve looked at houses so we know a rough price of what to expect and used my bills just as examples of prices (will be more as there’s an extra person using gas electric water) and even with what I get now I’ll be left with about 200£ that’s got to pay for my daughters after school clubs so I can work clothes etc. Whereas he’ll be left with over 2 grand not including bonus money.

The whole situation is embarrassing for me and we do really like each other and he’s a really nice man but I don’t know why he’s even with me, I feel ashamed that i don’t have an amazing well paid job and that I’m the one that would be worse off. I’ve suggested that maybe we both just put half our wages in and told him he would have to pay in more than me but he says it’s not fair on him to have to do that. I understand he doesn’t want anyone using him for his money but I’ve been a single mum for four years without any help and managed so definitely don’t want his money. I feel in superior, being with someone who’s got a brand new Mercedes brand new clothes and I’m driving round in an 08 fiesta I can’t keep up with his lifestyle. He says he’s not bothered about stuff like that but it bothers me. His friend drunkenly said to me can’t believe he’s driving round in that I’d never let my other half go without if I had that kind money. So everyone knows what he’s like and it’s very noticeable. I know it’s all material stuff, but if it was the other way round my child and him would want for nothing. I’m very generous but feel like he is obsessed with not spending any money. Not sure whether I’m also a bit jealous that he can afford what he wants and I’m constantly worried and struggling and with Christmas coming up it makes me want to cry.

Should I just call it quits? Or attempt to give it a go in my home first and see how it’s goes?

It's only been 18 months, way too soon, give it al least 5 to 6 years, and then only if he is more generous.

This is not an equal relationship in any sense. He is prepared for you and your child to be worse off by living with him but would not entertain being worse off himself. Please don't give up your home and your child's security to move in with this miser, you need to put yourself and your child first because he certainly won't.

Imagine if you had a child with someone like this too. He'd expect you to pay 50/50 even when on maternity leave.

Do not move in with him!

If he is not ready to treat you to drinks now in the first throes of love imagine what he will be like when things get a bit mundane down the road. He is a tight fist and this will get worse not better as people are usually at their best early on. He is probably living at home to save money and has no idea what bills cost etc. In the new situation you will not only have less money but probably end up cooking/ cleaning after him as he is so used to living at home.
There is no joy in living with a mean person.

Don't move if you're going to be worse off financially. I can kind of understand him not wanting to pay for your child at this stage but once it gets serious he might need to consider having a joint pot with you or shopping is going to be a right pain.

"The slight problem is he is obsessed with everything being 50/50"

It's not a slight problem, it's a major issue and huge red flag in your relationship. And the man's living with his mother because it suits him to do so; its not for any altrustic reason. He's a tight arse who will furthermore become a crap example of a pseudo stepfather to your child. I would end the relationship now, certainly do not move him into your home.

I would think he is with you because he targeted you as a single mother; some men target them because they think they are so desperate for male company that the woman would put up with any old crap.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?.

You are opening yourself up to financial abuse down the track.
Leave the relationship or leave things as they are.

Why does he still live at home with his parents? Are you sure he's telling you the truth about his salary??

I’ve been thinking about this thread a bit today.

The situations where he’s made a point in public about the OP ‘paying her way’ strike a bit of a chord with me. It’s as though he’s been told by someone that as a single mother on UC, she sees him as a meal ticket and he’s determined to demonstrate (to her, to others and to himself) that he isn’t a meal ticket.

A surprising number of men are so afraid of women taking them for a ride financially that they go completely in the opposite direction and this strikes me as a bit like that. They would literally rather have thousands untouched in the bank than think they’ve paid for an extra coffee.

DH and I have been together for a very long time and at various points, have out-earned each other. Never once has there been any discussion about who pays for what other than making sure one of us isn’t out of pocket more than the other.

I remember reading a thread somewhere else written by a man whose partner earned significantly less and needed urgent car repairs so she could get to work. Instead of just helping out and paying for it, he drew up a loan agreement for the £500 or whatever it was with a repayment schedule and was then astonished when she was hurt and upset. But a lot of other men commented on it saying he was totally in the right and just because she chose to have a lower paid job, she couldn’t expect him to ‘bankroll’ her.

Sorry OP, but he's a totally selfish and abusive twat !

He's only willing to pay 50/50 when he earns over 70K per year ?

Yet you would be earning less than you do now because of his wages ?

And this would be 'fair' ?

Exactly how ?

His wages would remain the same or increase, and yours would decrease.
His expenses would increase, but so would yours.
His washing/cleaning/cooking would still be done 'for' him (I'm assuming he expects you to take over from his Mummy here ?), yet you'd have more to do.
You'd still have sole financial 'responsibility' for your DC as well as childcare etc (Cos it's not his kid)

Basically, moving in together has ZERO 'upside' for YOU ! So why even consider it, especially as you've only been together a short 18 months ?

He's already proven that what's his, will always remain his, and he couldn't care less how you'd lose out financially (as would your DC), and how you'd struggle and stress, as long as you stump up 50% of EVERYTHING he EVER buys !

What would happen if he 'decided' to add a conservatory/new kitchen/den or whatever to your shared house, is he going to tell you you'd better get another job so you can pay your 50% ? Or if you became unwell and couldn't work ? I don't see him putting his hand in his pocket to even pay for your prescriptions, never mind your food or DC's childcare or clubs etc ffs !

He is, and will always be, a selfish, greedy miser, who values the £'s in his pocket above everything else, including you and your DC.

Both his and your friends have got his number, when are you going to ?