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Relationships

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Original poster

Do children pick up on bad relationships?

27 replies

Mday · 04/10/2022 20:23

My husband and me aren’t getting on. We haven’t since we married young (19) I’m 33 now. We argue daily almost but it’s always in the evening when my kids (12 & 6) go to bed and through out the night. During the day when the kids are around he’s lovely to me.
My friends say I should divorce him but I’m scared to mess my kids up and have chosen to stay.

My question is do you children pick up on this bad relationship vibes?

OP posts:

SacredDeer · 04/10/2022 20:30

İt's worse for the kids staying in a home with verbal abuse going on. They may be in bed but most likely wake up and hear what's going on. As a child I was the kid hiding under my covers terrified of hearing rows, shouting, it deeply effected me and I know a lot of others who went through worse and it mentally scars it's really does.
Children pick up on emotions and body language, they know when something's not right. It's worse to stay for the kids, they may resent you and it's so much better them seeing mummy and daddy happy apart than seeing mummy and daddy unhappy together.

I don't want this to sound harsh, but you may feel you are protecting them by staying but likely it may cause worse damage long term.

You deserve to be too happy OP.

Simonjt · 04/10/2022 20:36

I’m a 34 year old man, I freeze and genuinely feel scared when I hear raised voices through a door. Why wouldn’t children pick up arguments happening in their home while they are present?

tickticksnooze · 04/10/2022 20:36

Yes. They get to lie in bed listening and worrying about what's happening.

There is no way in hell they don't know.

MissMaple82 · 04/10/2022 20:40

Yes they absolutely do! I've seen children ruined by it!! Get your shit together amd leave FOR YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE it really us that simple

HangryFeminist · 04/10/2022 20:43

I could hear my parents argue when I was in bed when I was young. I thought shouting in a relationship was normal, and as a result ended up with a verbally abusive partner. Had no idea it wasn’t normal until we broke up after several shitty years.

Kids know.

Midnights · 04/10/2022 20:44

Yes. I could hear my parents arguing when they thought I couldn't. They're more perceptive than you're giving them credit for. At 12, they'll know - and they'll be apportioning blame to themselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2022 20:46

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then?

Sound travels and your children know far more about the parlous shit state of your relationship than either of you care to realise. Do not kid yourself they are in bed and therefore unaware. They also pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

Staying for the sake of the children is a statement that demands more scrutiny and under scrutiny it really does not stand up. Whose sake are you staying for here, theirs or far more likely your own because it’s somehow “easier” for you. Divorce is not failure OP but living like this is. Do not further do this to them or yourself, set yourselves free from this miserable marriage. You also deserve to be happy as does your now husband.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 04/10/2022 20:48

Of course the do. Aside from them possible living with fear and uncertainty of their parents' relationship, you are setting a (bad) example for them. They will very likely grow up to think that what you and your husband have is a normal relationship and that will probably be the kind of relationship they accept for themselves once adults.

"My friends say I should divorce him but I’m scared to mess my kids up and have chosen to stay."

You're messing them up right now.

Be honest with yourself as well. I genuinely believe a lot of people use the "staying for the sake of the kids" line as an excuse when the reality is they are afraid of change. Be brave and get out of this toxic relationship. It will be better for you, for your kids and probably for your husband too.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/10/2022 21:29

Please don't stay for the sake of the children. You need to leave for the sake of the children.

My parents marriage was awful. I had a very bad example of how relationships work. Funnily enough I've never been able to sustain a relationship myself. Don't do that to your kids.

DismantledKing · 04/10/2022 21:30

My parents argued all the time when I was the same ages as your kids. I’m still affected by it now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 21:31

Yes of course they do. You know that.

They’re growing up thinking your toxic dynamic is normal and their future relationships will be modelled on it.

JanglyBeads · 04/10/2022 21:32

I bet they sense that his being "lovely" to you isn't genuine.

JorisBonson · 04/10/2022 21:35

Yes. I was one of those children, and have spent a lot of money on therapy as a result.

jannier · 04/10/2022 21:35

Mday · 04/10/2022 20:23

My question is do you children pick up on this bad relationship vibes?

Yes they do and will hear more than you think. Laying listening to parents argue overnight is damaging confusing and abusive as well as giving warped ideas of what they should put up with as adults.

FrancescaContini · 04/10/2022 21:38

Your children are already being messed up.

ethelredonagoodday · 04/10/2022 21:45

What about where there isn't overt arguing, but more niggling, and a permanent lack of affection.

JorisBonson · 04/10/2022 21:55

ethelredonagoodday · 04/10/2022 21:45

What about where there isn't overt arguing, but more niggling, and a permanent lack of affection.

Then your children could think that's what a normal, healthy relationship should look like.

ethelredonagoodday · 04/10/2022 21:56

ethelredonagoodday · 04/10/2022 21:45

What about where there isn't overt arguing, but more niggling, and a permanent lack of affection.

This isn't my relationship... But we have several friends in this position...

naomi81 · 04/10/2022 22:13

MissMaple82 · 04/10/2022 20:40

Yes they absolutely do! I've seen children ruined by it!! Get your shit together amd leave FOR YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE it really us that simple

This! My parents argued every night, soul destroying! Leave or stop arguing.....

Username041022 · 04/10/2022 22:18

Yes 100%. If the love is gone and all you do is argue, it's time to leave. It's also time to show your kids that happiness is important. Two happy homes are better than one volatile home.

I grew up in a house where my parents had explosive arguments and it broke me, and it got to the point where I was hoping and praying they would just divorce as I was just miserable, feeding off their energy. Even as an adult now, those memories haven't left me.

allboysherebutme · 04/10/2022 22:23

Of course they pick up on it, my mum thought arguing when I was in bed shielded me it didn't, now I hate sudden noises as it frightens me as to me when it's quiet then a sudden noise, that's when bad things begin. X

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 04/10/2022 22:31

My DBs and all have happy marriages. As does my adult DSD. We learned how to create good marriages from my parents, who were married for 67 years.

Children are very, very aware of parental disharmony, and will often blame themselves for the bad feeling generated by hidden fights - just as in your situation.

I strongly recommend that you ditch your damaging relationship and try to be more open with your children about the true state of affairs. It would be helpful to them to see your vulnerabilities.

Honeylover333 · 04/10/2022 22:48

My heart goes out to your children, OP. They have been learning unhappiness all their lives. It must seem natural to them. Please take them away and give them a chance to experience living in a happy home.

CentaureaCyanus · 04/10/2022 22:50

Yes. The dysfunctional relationship of my mum and her partner is my main impression from my childhood. I'm in my forties now and still don't understand why they chose to put us through that. They only argued at night, too.

mindutopia · 04/10/2022 22:54

Yes absolutely the do. I remember hearing my parents arguing from the top of the stairs at night. When my mum finally said they were divorcing (I was 9), I remember feeling nothing but relief. Life was so much easier after they split.

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