My sisters lying is dangerous....and nobody cares.

[BellaRose44]

My sister is 24. As a child she was a very dramatic person, loved being centre of attention and the conversation and I never minded as I was always a quiet child (I'm older, I'm 28). I've changed a few details so it's not totally indentifiable.

But as she got older this turned to lying. She lies about everything, even small things- and my parents always have made excuses that she would grow out of it.

She would lie a lot as child. She would tell her school friends she has 3 brothers (she doesnt, just me her sister). She told them we had a dog, we didn't. She told them she had been on holiday to certain places when she hadn't. It was pretty harmless in the grand scheme of things at that time- but did cost her a few friends.

But now she is 24, and is still lying constantly. Told work friends that she was going to America on holiday but actually was coming with us to spain. We weren't allowed to post any photos encase they found out. When she found out her boyfriend might break up with her, she told him she was pregnant- and then told him she miscarried and emotionally convinced him to stay. She admitted to me it wasn't true.

Every time she gets found out or one of her lies get unravelled, she'll leave her job, or relationship or ditch the friend that found out and then as her family we have to pick up her mental health for months on end. She just told another lie in her job that she can't work an upcoming saturday due to a family wedding- there is no wedding and now for months she'll be scared of getting found out rather than just saying she can't work.

She also constantly threats suicide- and if someone finds out she's lied, or threatens to cut her off- she will immediately threaten suicide. She's offered counselling each time but never sees it through. I'm just exhausted from it. Not only can I never believe a word she says, but nobody seems to pull her up on it. My parents have a sort of 'what can you do' attitude and she goes through friends so quickly none of them do. I've even asked her before why she lies so much and she'll say ''I don't know why I do it''.

The worse thing is- is there's zero reason for her to be like this. She is a lovely girl (really), she's successful and got a great career in advertising, on great money and owns her own home. There's no reason for her to pretend or lie. Gah! I'm just at my wits end I guess and wondered if anyone has any advice.

Sounds hideous. What does she do if you cut in on one her lies and say "Maria, I know or suspect you're lying to me yet again and if you don't stop right now I am leaving the house /asking you to leave straight away" ?

Usually at that point she will threaten suicide. ''Fine leave, but I won't be alive when you get back'' and she'll usually take tablets, or try to hang herself. Most of us as her family now sadly know it's purely for attention at this point, as it's triggered by not getting the response she wants, but as she does physically act upon it- we find it hard to leave her.

She needs psychiatric help, doesn't she? Especially if she tries to kill herself!? That's not normal.

Sounds completely untenable. As a child I used to lie a lot for attention because I was being abused. I remember I faked a sprained ankle once just because I had been abused pretty badly and desperately wanted SOMEONE to give me ANY sort of nice attention. I carried this on in my 20s but never as bad as your sister and I did grow out of it once I got the attention and love of good friends and partners etc.

Is there any chance your sister has had some form of abuse in the past? I'm probably grasping at straws so can only speak from personal experience.

Saying things like "fine but I won't be alive when you get back" is terrible. So manipulative. I don't know what to suggest.

They won’t admit her or section her because she’s not a danger to the public. She’ll usually see the crisis team or psychiatrist for a few months and then it’ll stop and continue.

Yep. She’s very manipulative and quite a big fantasist. I think she actually does genuinely believe her own lies which makes her dangerous in my opinion. Although the outside world don’t think she’s dangerous as she’s never physically hurt another.

There's usually a reason for long term compulsive lying - whether low self esteem or having developed it as a survival strategy or copying mechanism in early childhood. In some cases it's an indication of a personality disorder, although personality disorders are controversial diagnoses in themselves and usually considered triggered by early trauma...

She sounds messed up and a very difficult person to have in your life, and as her sibling it must be incredibly frustrating. I wonder whether your parents attitude is routed in knowing or suspecting something that you don't though. When parents treat one adult child with kid gloves it's often out of some kind of sense of guilt (which might well be misplaced guilt for not preventing, solving or sorting out something in the teen years or earlier that it wasn't realistically in their power to prevent, sort out or solve, not saying they did anything bad).

*rooted not routed!

I'd leave anyway me. You can't be held to ransom. Let the rest of them run around after her.

Sounds like emotionally unstable personality to me.

You're really best to have nothing to do with her for your own safety

I think I would probably significantly reduce contact.

I think my parents don’t acknowledge it because they don’t want to feel like they “failed”.

They always focus on her great bits, her job, her achievements etc- but I think her behaviour is mortifying for them so they want to pretend it’s not happening.

I don’t think she’s ever been abused, and I’m 90% sure given the things she does lie about that this is something she would actively speak about as it would bring attention.

I would really cut contacts with her. The fact you have to pander to her is enabling her.

Believe me, it can continue on forever. I am currently dealing with one in her FIFTIES - still constantly lying, threatening suicide if she doesn't get her own way. The problem is that you would have to invest so much of yourself to help them that you would really need to love them and care for them. It is hard to be so committed to helping a grown adult. Unfortunately, she will probably take it out on a string of boyfriends over the years and either destroy their mental health but gradually improve herself or simply generate a trail of destruction. The advice to cut your losses and RUN is the best one.

I user to work with someone who used to tell ridiculous lies that everyone knew couldn't possibly be true . He was a nice enough guy but he just couldn't seem to stop. He He never threatened suicide as far as I am aware but when someone called him out on his lies he used to get very defensive. I felt it must be some sort of personality disorder

There is an option between cutting contact and putting up with it, but it depends how much energy you have to cope with her.

'I don't want you to hurt yourself, but I can't stop you. I'll let your mental health team know what you have said' if she threatens.

Post your holiday photos. Don't go along with her lies. No need to go out of your way to tell people e.g. employers anything

Basically, don't support her lies when asked, but let her crack on when it doesn't affect your life. Let her know you love her if you do, if this is destroying your love for her let her know that.

The rest is up to her

I don’t know what to say OP, but didn’t want to read and run. Does she ever admit to her lies? Has she ever actively asked for help from anyone and explained it’s out with her control and has become second nature? It must be a huge battle for you and all those surrounding her. x

I'd be worried if I was in a relationship and/ or had kids that she would say something that triggers safeguarding checks

Poor her. She sounds very vulnerable and unhappy.

I think for your own sake, you absolutely do need a strategy to make sure you don't get sucked into this. Maybe see if you can get some counselling? It sounds a little like the issues people who go to Al-Alon deal with (ie., dealing with the issues around a relative who has a serious problem). Maybe a counsellor would help you figure out ways to stop you getting hurt by this.

As to what she should do, I don't know - and my hunch is, you probably can't stop her by confronting her or 'calling her bluff'. I agree with PPs that it sounds likely there's a root cause you don't know about.

Well you know you can't change her and she isn't going to stop. Are the suicide attempts actually serious ones? I mean she seems to attempt an awful lot without success which leads me to think they aren't serious attempts. In which case I'd be cutting contact and removing the attention she's getting from me. Yeah she might say she'll kill herself, but she never actually does, does she? How many tablets is she actually taking? Obviously she'd like about that too so you'd need to see the package. Really your only way out of this is a life without her.

I had a friend who did this, and separately a colleague. Both of them, the moment you twigged what was going on it became very obvious when we were off on a trip to Jackanory Town. I found it incredibly draining. I can understand after decades of it, it must be incredibly frustrating.

I would take anyone who talks about suicide at their word though. She needs counselling.

Sorry this is happening, OP.

I'm reading the thread as my ex husband was like this - constant big and small lies and suicide threats.

Since I've left, he's carried on the same with new partners, neighbours etc and the police and ambulances have been called frequently. He's also told people he had to move (just up the road) as he's on a police witness protection programme!

Op my sympathy is with you, I had a friend who did this and honestly it was the most draining decade of my life. She wasn’t a teenager either im talking from around age 21-31.

The stuff she lied about was so pointless :

that she was on holiday in Spain ( but turned up to my house to show me a new tattoo she got!)

that she had a leg sleeve of tattoos, even though She often wore next to nothing and you know I could… literally see her bare tattoo less legs 😩

that she could drive but wrote her car off on the first day she brought it, funny that when around 3 years later she actually passed her driving test and acted as though I was crazy when I said you told me you had already passed?!

Countless family members had cancer, strokes, death. She told me her nephew had died, I saw her sister about 2 months later, with the child.

countless ‘miscarriages’ even though she wasn’t sleeping with anybody. She asked me to bring her maternity pads one day as she was bleeding and clotting so bad, I shit you not I turned up with them and she was parading round the house in a thong and crop top. No blood, it is like she would tell a lie and then thought I was blind and couldn’t see that it was clearly physically not true.

It is dangerous. It came to ahead when at an engagement party for a mutual friend of ours she claimed the friend who had just got engaged fiancé had sexually assaulted her , in front of me apparently. It was a way of bringing the attention off the engagement on to her self. The poor guy was gobsmacked, obviously I shut her claims down and that she was lying like she always does. A lot of people shut her out that day. She spread horrific lies about me, and the engaged friend and told people really awful, sick stuff about us to the point I had to threaten her with a restraining order.

she is married with kids now and I always wonder if she’s still a compulsive liar.

sorry for the essay but the frustration never leaves you, it is so so dangerous to have people lie and lie and lie and think it is okay and not care the consequences of their words. My best advice would be distance, I honestly would never have any form of relationship with anyone like this, it stresses me out just thinking back!

I have someone in my life like this and it's scary what they can manipulate and come out with to get what they want and stop any challenges on poor behaviour. I'd avoid being alone with your sister, wiggywiz is very right. It's a very difficult situation and I have no answers other than I refuse to be alone with this person.

It's so difficult when it's a family member.

I would have a calm talk with her (or at her) noting that she knows she lies, knows it has negative impact but doesn't know why she does it; discuss whether some kind of talking therapy might help.

When people are seeking attention, sometimes they are dismissed.
I think maybe they need attention for a deep rooted reason.

It's not about "blaming" parents or family, it's unravelling what has led her to do this. Her growing up, psychological development, reactions to events and need for the responses she gets to lies and suicide threats.

She may have a personality disorder and / or a mental illness or neither. It's up to her though if to / how to suss it out.

You could point out that she's making things so hard for herself covering up and if she's thought about why.

You've probably said all this, over and over. So part of the conversation would be you saying you need distance from the lies and won't keep discussing this with her. Any consequences will be up to her. You will be her loving sister but not engage in the lying.

So eg the holiday thing, if you want to post you will do; the wedding thing, should anyone ask you won't lie as well.

I feel for you as basically all you can do is disengage but it's it easy when it is a sibling you love.