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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing friends...

43 replies

amintybitstronger · 04/10/2022 19:01

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, stage of life, or if I'm just so dull nobody wants to be my friend, but I seem to be losing friends quite quickly - or at least people don't seem to be that bothered to keep in touch anymore.

I've got a big birthday next year and barely anyone to celebrate it with!

I always keep in touch with people and I'm very loyal - but lately it seems that nobody wants to keep in touch with me anymore and I'm not sure what to do about it, or whether I even want to do anything (but I'm going to have a very sad birthday if I don't!). Granted I have pulled away from a couple of friendships for legitimate reasons and I AM menopausal so I don't have the patience I once did, but I honestly don't feel that anybody is particularly bothered about maintaining a friendship.

I'm debating trying to join a new group or something (I do volunteer on top of working part time) but then there's a large part of me that can't be bothered & I don't have a lot of free time either...

Not sure what to do, but it's making me feel a bit sad and my self esteem has plummeted.

Any advice? Anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
Metabigot · 04/10/2022 20:22

Yes, me.

I feel like I've been doing friendship wrong all my life, I was never great at it but managed to have a semi decent quantity in my 30s and now mid 40s a lot have dropped off the radar.

Other people always seem to have tonnes of friends but apparently there's a sort of confirmation bias where people are more likely to know the popular people and not the ones sat at home on their tod so maybe that's why it seems like it's just me.

Subaru4336 · 04/10/2022 20:55

Yes, me :-(

I've never had a huge circle of friends, but valued the very few I had. Now, what I thought was one of my closest friends, appears to have been phasing me out over the last year, and it hurts as I don't know what I've done to upset her.

I'm just resigned to a lonely future.

pierpoint12 · 04/10/2022 22:08

Another one who feels like i'm losing a previously good friend at the moment, no drama or falling out just gradually seeing them less because they're difficult to make plans with and flaky/likely to cancel when we do make plans.

I don't know whether people are feeling less social after covid and just not bothering or whether this is normal flow of friendships but it seems very common at the moment - there have been lots of similar threads recently so unfortunately you are not alone.

monkeyupsidedown · 04/10/2022 22:39

I feel that I need to keep making friends all through my life. I kerp losing them (not falling out, just growing apart stuff). I am good at making friends but it just seems easier to get thst deeper connection when you're young, and it costs me a lot more time and effort now that I'm middle aged. I don't know if it's me or something that I do or just an age thing?

EmmaH2022 · 04/10/2022 22:53

pierpoint12 · 04/10/2022 22:08

Another one who feels like i'm losing a previously good friend at the moment, no drama or falling out just gradually seeing them less because they're difficult to make plans with and flaky/likely to cancel when we do make plans.

I don't know whether people are feeling less social after covid and just not bothering or whether this is normal flow of friendships but it seems very common at the moment - there have been lots of similar threads recently so unfortunately you are not alone.

This

you are definitely not alone OP. So many threads about this.

I haven't recovered from lockdown so I realise that might affect others but it's been a shock to lose close friends. I feel I needed them more, not less.

Granna3 · 04/10/2022 23:01

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. It definitely takes a bit more effort than it use to. I think maybe finding some group or something may help just introduce you to new people. I find different periods of our lives allow for different friends. Essex Library is getting ready to offer a crochet group soon, that might be good.

Original poster
amintybitstronger · 04/10/2022 23:11

monkeyupsidedown · 04/10/2022 22:39

I feel that I need to keep making friends all through my life. I kerp losing them (not falling out, just growing apart stuff). I am good at making friends but it just seems easier to get thst deeper connection when you're young, and it costs me a lot more time and effort now that I'm middle aged. I don't know if it's me or something that I do or just an age thing?

Yes I agree, making deeper friendships when younger was so much easier. I do have 3 very good friends from secondary school years and I'm very grateful for those - but they live miles and miles away so we only catch up every few years in person! I would really love some good friendships locally (especially since I don't live in my home town so no family around) - but I am finding it so difficult.

I think the fact the kids are older now and I don't have the 'school mum' friends doesn't help either.

OP posts:
Metabigot · 05/10/2022 03:07

I can sadly confirm I'm also one of those that recently lost a close friend and it ended in quite a nasty way, it seemed like she totally changed from the person she once was.

It broke my heart and I don't know if I'll trust anyone to that extent again. I thought she'd always have my back. How wrong I was.

Anyway the only good thing about getting a bit older is that kids aren't such a factor so I'm joining more clubs and societies to get my social kicks that way.

I still have 3 old friends, two from school and one from uni.

Plus a few newer ones not quite as old/ deep but equally meaningful in their own way.

Maybe if lots of people are losing friends it will mean lots of people up for making new friends?

Autumnisclose · 05/10/2022 03:24

I think it might be an age thing. I'm nearly 50 and work from home so spend alot of time alone. I definitely have fewer friends now than ever before , but I also don't have many opportunities to make friends now not doing the School run or sitting in an office.

Beebumble2 · 05/10/2022 08:55

I’m a sociable person, enjoy being in the company of friends and have quite a few acquaintances. But I also struggle at times with close friendships. I’m a loyal, hopefully kind person, but sometimes I find long standing friends dismissive and it is hurtful.
Then I wonder why I bother, it seems to happen to quite a few of us.

Original poster
amintybitstronger · 05/10/2022 10:04

Autumnisclose · 05/10/2022 03:24

I think it might be an age thing. I'm nearly 50 and work from home so spend alot of time alone. I definitely have fewer friends now than ever before , but I also don't have many opportunities to make friends now not doing the School run or sitting in an office.

I'm exactly the same - I guess working from home doesn't help at all!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 05/10/2022 12:35

Mine is crap op. I feel nobody wants to keep contact now. Disheartening. I used be silly run round with gifts wedding/baby etc. I stopped. I walk with a few but they changed their times round as one retired. Sigh. It gets no easier.

Loopylou1303 · 05/10/2022 13:15

I'm now in my 30's, work from home and I am rapidly having a decline in my friendships not due to falling out or anything just drifting apart. I'm also single where as most of my friends are either partnered up or married so they tend to do their own thing or family outings at the weekend. It was my birthday (30th) last month and not a single one so much as asked if I had or wanted to make plans. So I just didnt bother. I try to keep myself and my son busy but gets a bit lonely. I've just come to the conclusion lonely is part of my life now 🤣🤣

AreWeThereYet69 · 05/10/2022 13:39

Yep, me too.
I feel I'm usually the one to contact people and suggest meeting up.
I came out of a LTR last year and it coincided with a friend of 20 years deciding to drop me. We'd no fall out she just stopped asking to meet and would say she was busy whenever I suggested anything. It's so so hurtful.
OP jow about suggesting a weekend away with your friends who live far away to celebrate your upcoming birthday?

Mary46 · 05/10/2022 14:53

Im meeting a school mam next week but there are some that unless I make the next move nothing. You get tired of it. I do my own thing alot now.

Wisteriabloom · 05/10/2022 16:37

I know exactly what you mean, OP, and others on this thread. I've felt the same recently.

A close friend I've known for 30 years (we're both 50), never bothers to initiate contact unless I do. I noticed this about a year before Lockdown, so I guess I'll have to accept she's moved on. 🙁 if I text, suggesting a catch-up it will happen, but even if I let 6 months go by without texting her, she still stubbornly doesn't initiate anything. I'll leave it now, it's soul-destroying doing all the chasing.

Another friend (they don't know each other), will suggest a catch-up if we see each other in the street, I'll.text to arrange a day, she agrees eagerly and then cancels on the day with some excuse! Promises to be in touch to rearrange the following week, and just doesn't! We live in the same road and have been friends for 10 years FGS! I last saw her in June, other than her waving from the car if she passes me.

I've always been someone to have a few close friends rather than a big group, so this hurts, especially as there's been no fall-out or anything. I'm a quieter friend to have I suppose, more into meeting for coffee and seeing shows, than late nights out with lots to drink, but I don't feel I deserve this treatment! 🤔

Frurt · 05/10/2022 16:40

I'm exactly the same. A friend's Mum is unwell so I messaged asking how she was. No reply and that was 3 months ago now and she hasn't messaged since.
Another friend's brother just started uni so I asked her if he was enjoying it. That was 2 weeks ago and zero reply

Redbabybuggy · 05/10/2022 16:43

Yes, exactly this. It’s upsetting isn’t it. Feel really rather isolated atm!

Frurt · 05/10/2022 16:43

I'm also very shy and quiet which doesn't help :(

hownice · 05/10/2022 17:01

I've seen so much betrayal from people close to me such as some friends, sil, cousins, my in laws, relatives that I no longer have the patience or have any trust left to let anyone new in my life. I've seen the plotting behind my back, back stabbing, jealousy and all levels of toxicity. I'm friendly but I just get scared of letting anyone in my life that will cause drama. I'm a lone wolf but live a life drama free but there comes a point when you have no one to celebrate with or share anything even for escapism without bringing in your issues with. I'm fun, funny and will go above and beyond but I just don't trust people. I just can't deal with touchy people anymore as well.

Onthtable · 05/10/2022 17:08

I'm the same.

Mary46 · 05/10/2022 17:09

There is alot of threads lately about this. Its def hard as you get older. As others said tired doing the chasing.

Laurdo · 05/10/2022 17:21

I'm in the same boat. I've never had much luck with friendships. I get on well with people and make friends easily. My problem has always been that I can be a bit of a pushover and my issues with low self esteem mean I've allowed "friends" to treat me badly whilst going over and above for them. I end up resenting them and it gets to breaking point and I walk away. I think as we get older our tolerance for bullshit reduces. I have lots of people I'm friendly with but I'm quite particular about who I let into my close circle.

Tabbouleh · 05/10/2022 17:24

I keep losing friends too because I WFH and kids are grown. No drama or betrayal or falling out; just drifting away or lost to other responsibilities. Am not shy or quiet either! Just tired of keeping friendships up now and may just give up.

Mary46 · 05/10/2022 17:44

My friend joined a choir. Tabbou agree with you. Tired chasing I noticed when I stopped it was silence. Im just doing things more myself now. Dog gets me out too.