Losing friends...

[amintybitstronger]

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, stage of life, or if I'm just so dull nobody wants to be my friend, but I seem to be losing friends quite quickly - or at least people don't seem to be that bothered to keep in touch anymore.

I've got a big birthday next year and barely anyone to celebrate it with!

I always keep in touch with people and I'm very loyal - but lately it seems that nobody wants to keep in touch with me anymore and I'm not sure what to do about it, or whether I even want to do anything (but I'm going to have a very sad birthday if I don't!). Granted I have pulled away from a couple of friendships for legitimate reasons and I AM menopausal so I don't have the patience I once did, but I honestly don't feel that anybody is particularly bothered about maintaining a friendship.

I'm debating trying to join a new group or something (I do volunteer on top of working part time) but then there's a large part of me that can't be bothered & I don't have a lot of free time either...

Not sure what to do, but it's making me feel a bit sad and my self esteem has plummeted.

Any advice? Anyone else in the same boat?

Exactly like you @hownice I have given so much to people only to get treated like shite in return. One 'friend ' got all my daughters hand me downs every year saved her hundreds one time I had a nearly new coat I was selling on ebay said she could buy it off me and we agreed a price and she never paid me.

Well she can get her daughters clothes elsewhere now as I'm giving them to charity.

I have found social groups on Facebook or women's institute things a better substitute than flaky friends yes it's more casual but as long as I have a glass of wine in my hand and someone to talk to I no longer care.

I am part of a book club and another professional group but I wouldn't call people there friends. More good acquaintances.

Oh well. Going to the cinema this week alone as I just can't be bothered with the back and forth and chasing and sorting to find company. DH isn't keen on the film so...

This is all so sad but it's nice to feel I'm not alone!

I think I'm dwelling on this more as it's my 50th next year and I know I'm going to be upset on my birthday due to lack of friends. Some of my 'friends' (who haven't been that friendly lately!) will have tonnes of cards and gifts and I'm afraid my little collection is going to look quite tragic!

I don't know whether to actively seek some groups or to not bother! I'm an introvert so it's easier to just sit at home, but I do miss human connection!

Are you able to go somewhere nice for your birthday for a day or 2? At least that experience will beat any flaky friend.

I was 50 recently and I knew nobody (or very few) would remember or be free to go out for dinner, so I instructed DH in no uncertain terms that I needed pampering!

He did not disappoint. He organised a lovely weekend away and it was so much better than dropping hints to friends or ringing around to see who was free.

I can resonate, with those of you talking about 50th birthdays!

Tabbouleh, I did similar. Dh & I had a lovely weekend away, in a luxury hotel in one of our favourite parts of the country.

I did also organise tickets to a show, that two of my 'closest friends' were so keen to come to, when I suggested it 2 months before. Come the day though, one messaged me, feigning illness and said she couldn't come. This was only 3 hours before the show, and not enough time to find someone to go in her place. The other friend still came and we enjoyed it, but I later found out the friend who cancelled was out somewhere else (had a better offer, obviously!), so that put a dampener on it really. 🤔

OP, I'd suggest taking yourself off somewhere lovely, with your partner if you have one? Or even a family member you're close to. Just a change of scene will hopefully take your mind off 'flakey friends', it worked for me. I feel for you, as I know it's not easy. 🤔 x

Wisteria oh, what a nightmare.

I haven't heard from my "best friend" for about 10 days. Last time I gave her a nudge, she was very apologetic but it is back to that thing of being no one's priority.

this time I'll just keep quiet. I might have to consider dating. But it's so sad, I just want friendships back in my life. My Wednesday night group isn't meeting for a couple of weeks - I hope it doesn't fall apart.

Oh, how upsetting for you, EmmaH. 🙁
Maybe we have the same 'friends'!

Towards the end of Lockdown I bumped into the friend who lives in my road a few times. She kept saying how much she'd missed our chats, and how she was looking forward to a coffee catch-up. So once Lockdown was over I texted her, and we agreed on an afternoon to catch up. Just an hour before she was due to come round, she texted to cancel, saying 'she had to food shop and her son was ill'. 🤔

Btw, her son was 14 and we'd have only been 3 doors away from him, at my house. The following day I saw him, walking back from the park with friends, so not THAT ill, then!! I felt quite down about being cancelled on again. Like you say, this feeling of being low-priority is so hurtful, I wish these so-called friends knew this.

I hope your Wednesday group carries on, I've recently joined a book club, and am enjoying the company of them all. They're there every week and I have a feeling new friendships will form, for us all. 🤞 x

Yes hurtful. Im not being used again Wisteria. People are flaky now. I have one school mam friend and another 2 thats it. They very loyal. Same feel Im low priority with one. But she suits who she meets. So I stopped messaging.

Wisteria oh that's awful. I am so sorry that happened to you.

last time so called bestie left it three weeks and I messaged to ask if she was okay. She was and then set a lunch date, which I foolishly paid for!

this time I will leave her to reply and then reply in the same time frame as she does. Otherwise it feels very unequal.

I think people do know how it makes us feel but don't care.

it's such a pain to travel across London, my friendships were very much based on daily messaging. The day feels very empty without that.

my best friend's mum has no real friends either, out of choice, perhaps this friendship is one that she doesn't really want any more?

After feeling quite low yesterday today I woke up to a friend suggesting dinner and another friend messaging to see how I was. So felt better.

I do think many of my friends are more comfortable with an online relationship. One keeps sending me annoying memes but won't actually leave her house. I hate online friendships. Had enough of that in the pandemic.

I’m in the same position. I’ve always had quite a small friendship group but it has slowly diminished. Now my best friend of over 20 years is slowly phasing me out. I have no idea why.

I feel completely pathetic and I can’t stop puzzling over what must be wrong with me. I guess I’m just destined to be on my own. I do have a wonderful DP and gorgeous DS but I do miss having friends.

I don't know the answer but am a similar age to you (menopausal) and have noticed that I have far less patience with friends and them me, so yes, I have ditched a few people.

I do know that I used to put up with an awful lot of shit, been walked over by friends in the past, especially close/best friends.

One ex best friend we sort of got in contact with over lockdown but I don't really want the same friendship we had before and she never apologised for something she did. Another mutual best friend of ours she also pissed off and then I fell out with, more my fault. I'm seeing both these friends I think at a funeral soon and I'm sort of dreading it, as I really don't the 'faux friendship talks' with them there/at the wake.

I am very proactive with close friends now, set up things but people do reply and we meet up.

My DM was telling me recently that a couple of her friends, she's the only one to ring them. She always does (sometimes they ring back). I think it slightly irks her sometimes but she still keeps up the friendships and I think some people just don't like using the phone/contacting others.

Why don't you ask your best friend why she's slowly phasing it out?

I know it sounds banal - but joining groups (choir/yoga) or speaking to neighbours and maybe seeing if they'd like to meet up, does help. A common interest can be really good.

Always me initiating contact so now I don't bother and guess what I don't from anyone.

Suits me I'm not bothered if I want to do something I do it. Can't be doing with the agro

My husband passed 5 years ago and all my so called friends have disappeared that's when you find out who your friends are.

Thank you Emma. The friend who was due round for coffee, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much if she'd just cancelled a meet-up in our local coffee shop. But I'd been to the bakery to get some nice treats to have with coffee, and arranged to leave work early that day. All for nothing! She promised to text me and rearrange for the following week, but she just didn't. 🙁 it left a nasty taste.

Tabbouleh - I'm so glad you heard from your friends this morning! 🙂

Of the night - I feel for you. 🤔 it's so hurtful to be phased out like that, after years of friendship. x

@GonnaGetGoingReturns It’s a good point but I’m being a coward really. I’m still suggesting meet ups and I sent her some flowers. I have asked if all is ok but she largely ignores my messages and she didn’t acknowledge the flowers. I did call her but she hates using the phone so won’t answer.

I have said I miss her and would love to see her but she is always busy, which I totally understand. She loves running and is in charge of a big running group where she lives. I just miss being able to see her and chat to her. But it feels quite a bit like she’s moved on from me. We don’t have many shared interests I guess.

I do want to join clubs. I’m overweight and self conscious. I have anxiety and I have ds who has HFA, so I find it a bit tricky. I realise that they are excuses and I need to shake myself and do something.

I think I’m just scared of being rejected. I’ve had a strange upbringing and have been abused. I also separated from a very abusive husband a few years ago and that seemed to coincide with losing a couple of fiends. This is the most honest I think I’ve been about friendships. I am usually very upbeat and you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m like this.

Clubs can be good book clubs etc. I was to meet my friend but didnt happen. I find things dont get re arranged.. not chasing people anymore. Its def a pattern with people now not commiting.