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Original poster

To expect boyfriend to ask if i needed anything while I'm ill?

41 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 04/10/2022 16:15

We're together 9 months. He lives about 20 minutes away. Was on to him last night and told him I was feeling pretty unwell.
I'm a single mom and one child is also sick. The other is too young to shop.
He's off today with nothing much on but haven't heard a thing from him.
I expect I'll get a 'how are you' this eve.
In the reverse (he lives alone) I'd definitely ask if he needed any groceries or meds
Feeling pretty low and a bit of a display of care would have been nice

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 04/10/2022 16:18

I that that’s a reasonable thing to expect. You must feel pretty rotten.
Maybe he’s not the one for you?
I hope you both get better soon 💐

FleeUpFreeTime · 04/10/2022 16:19

you’re thinking he should be the way you think he should be. Learnt a long time ago that’s not the way to be. He won’t think as you do, won’t be as you think he should be.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 04/10/2022 16:19

I'd be disappointed in him.
Is he at work? Is he likely to contact you as soon as he's finished work, to offer to bring you things? Otherwise, very disappointing.

sunlovingcriminal · 04/10/2022 16:21

B -

Poor effort on his part 😞

Honeylover333 · 04/10/2022 16:26

Disappointing. A lot of men are like that, not deliberately ignoring your need, just that it wouldn't cross their mind.

BeyondMyWits · 04/10/2022 16:27

Tell him your expectations. I hate all the "he should do this, he should ask that... " just tell him "It would be nice if you checked how I am or asked if you can help, especially if I am ill"

He's not a mind reader. Previous partners' may not have set their expectations bar very high.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 04/10/2022 16:35

Thanks.
No, he's not at work and doesn't have much on.
I'm going to have to drag my ass to the shops to pick up some basics.
What's the point in saying it to him? He'll just be like 'ah, ok'.... the point is, he wasn't any way thoughtful. I haven't really seen any induction that he is 😒

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/10/2022 16:36

Why don't you ask if he can pick some bits up?

MintJulia · 04/10/2022 16:47

Don't drag yourself out. Send him a text saying 'still feeling rubbish, please could you drop off some milk/bread/ibuprofen. See you later x'

If he refuses, respond appropriately.

Flaxseedblueberry · 04/10/2022 16:57

I’d also feel hurt. He shouldn’t have to be asked, surely it’s obvious an offer of help should be forthcoming.

Stressfordays · 04/10/2022 17:01

Before my current partner, I'd be thinking it was very normal for them not to offer however I've been in very unhealthy relationships. Now I'd absolutely expect him to offer to drop me something off if I needed it and check how I am. Because hes a caring, supportive guy. Don't make excuses of 'hes a man, he won't think'. He should think and care!

Dery · 04/10/2022 17:43

Men should think and care but women are raised to anticipate needs and men aren’t. He probably assumes that if you needed something, you would ask him for it because, in my experience, that’s what men do. I think you’d be better off asking him to pick up some bits for you and bring them round. If he doesn’t, he’s an arse.

Lindy2 · 04/10/2022 17:47

Don't go out to the shops yourself.

He should have offered to help but hasn't. You need to ask him to get what you need.

Assuming your relationship is good and mutually caring, then he will be happy to do some shopping for you. If he has a problem with it then there's more issues with it than him not being very good at anticipating when you need help.

Sunnytwobridges · 04/10/2022 18:04

I'd be hurt too. I had a bf who was very attentive. I never had to ask him for anything. So he set the standard of what I expected for future relationships. My ex just wasn't that way at all, I could've been on my death bed and he wouldn't even offer to do anything. And if I asked him, which I feel like I shouldn't have to, he would act all put out about it to the point that I would tell him not to bother. I think I'm done with dating but if I ever do meet anyone else, I would never be with someone that is so unthoughtful and uncaring again.

TwoWrightFeet · 04/10/2022 18:13

I’d be disappointed but I’d ask him if I needed anything. Maybe he’s just not though and though it’s better to leave you to it. Are you unable to book a supermarket delivery?

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2022 18:24

So you're disappointed to discover he is not you.

So now you can either be a martyr about it and drag your ill self and you children (including an ill one) to the shops. Or you can be a grown up and tell him you need a few things and if he's free to pick them up for you.

Etinoxaurus · 04/10/2022 18:28

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2022 18:24

So you're disappointed to discover he is not you.

So now you can either be a martyr about it and drag your ill self and you children (including an ill one) to the shops. Or you can be a grown up and tell him you need a few things and if he's free to pick them up for you.

Yanbu
Watch very very closely how he responds.
If he grudgingly brings round what you need and grumpily counts out your change, dump him, or if he turns up jollily with essentials and treats say how much you appreciate it.

stickynoter · 04/10/2022 18:31

By the time I had to ask id be annoyed tbh. It's the thoughtfulness that counts imo

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2022 18:33

Etinoxaurus · 04/10/2022 18:28

Yanbu
Watch very very closely how he responds.
If he grudgingly brings round what you need and grumpily counts out your change, dump him, or if he turns up jollily with essentials and treats say how much you appreciate it.

Show quote history

Yep.

Treacletoots · 04/10/2022 18:36

Have a seriously think about what he actually brings to your life OP.

I had a very similar incident with ExH and it was one of many consistent incidents where it was clear he didn't give a fuckery about me and my needs. The only thoughts that entered his selfish little brain were ones thst benefited him. Newsflash. They don't change. Ever. Because they don't want to and someone somewhere has lower standards and is prepared to accept scrapings of the barrel for a relationship.

I put up with this shit for 6 years OP. Don't be me. GTFO of this relationship since he doesn't seem to be bringing much to it.

MMmomDD · 04/10/2022 18:42

If he has never had to care for anyone - kids, etc - he just doesn’t think like women do.
Instead of hinting and expecting him to react in a certain way - just tell him what you need him to do.
If he doesn’t eventually learn as your relationship progresses - then ditch him.
But for now - I’d give him a change to figure out how relationships work.

Treacletoots · 04/10/2022 18:43

Men should think and care but women are raised to anticipate needs and men aren’t

sorry what? Did you just pop in from the 1950s or do you genuinely believe this misogynistic nonsense. If we don't challenge this behaviour we're part of the problem and excusing it "because theyre not raised that way" (oh, by a woman perhaps? So its our fault again) is absolutely unacceptable.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 04/10/2022 19:01

So it's covid. I won't be going near a shop! Neighbour has offered to shop for me,
I sent him a text saying, I've been feeling rotten all day and it would have been nice if you'd checked in to see how I was feeling and to ask if I needed anything. That was about 30 mins ago and it's still unread

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 04/10/2022 19:03

MMmomDD · 04/10/2022 18:42

If he has never had to care for anyone - kids, etc - he just doesn’t think like women do.
Instead of hinting and expecting him to react in a certain way - just tell him what you need him to do.
If he doesn’t eventually learn as your relationship progresses - then ditch him.
But for now - I’d give him a change to figure out how relationships work.

He has a son, who's he's incredibly thoughtful of....but that is probably the only person on the planet he truly cares about

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 04/10/2022 19:22

He's responded to say, sorry was going to text. Asked what my symptoms are and how my daughter was,......but has not asked if I need anything 😳
Not good at all

OP posts: