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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're very quick to say LEAVE but...

38 replies

Marluuu · 04/10/2022 12:28

Based on some of the threads I've read here and a conversation I had with a friend yesterday...I noticed that the usual advice to any bumps in a relationship / disagreements / different lifestyles, values or opinions is LTB, you have deserved better, go find someone who you're more compatible with, etc. But looking at everything I hear about OLD these days and the struggles people have in their late 30s/40s/50s to find someone, I wonder if this really is the best advice. Obviously there are 2 exceptions - definitely LTB if there is any form of abuse, and then there are people who are very happily single. But otherwise, would there really, realistically be something better out there? And once/if we do find a new partner who is loving and happy to commit, there would be other problems. Or maybe I'm just disillusioned 🤐

OP posts:

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 04/10/2022 12:29

I'd rather be on my own than with an arse

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 12:31

It’s not compulsory to be in a relationship, no man is better than a shit man. It’s not a binary between put up shut up and brave OLD.

CheshireCats · 04/10/2022 12:32

Agree with previous pp's. I would rather be on my own than continue to waste my life with a useless man.

Gotmynewshoes · 04/10/2022 12:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 12:31

It’s not compulsory to be in a relationship, no man is better than a shit man. It’s not a binary between put up shut up and brave OLD.

I agree with this

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2022 12:35

It might seem that we’re quick to say LTB, but surely that’s because a lot of MN posts are about quite extreme situations, where the OP is clearly in a bad marriage but can’t quite see or accept that. I don’t think people say ltb if it’s just a less than perfect marriage with a few niggles.
If someone is in a really bad situation, surely it’s best for them (and often their kids) to get out, rather than stay because they might not meet someone else. Being single is better than being in a miserable relationship.

GCAcademic · 04/10/2022 12:37

Why the assumption that one must find a new partner?

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/10/2022 12:43

I was unhappily married and had an affair that ended. I left my marriage knowing if i stayed I would cheat again, and also knowing that perhaps I would be single for the rest of my life. Being single was preferable to being unhappily married so I left.

Being single isn't the worse thing that can happen to a woman.

And, no, I'm not actually.

RandomMusings7 · 04/10/2022 12:44

Single is much better than unhappily coupled.

I spent 3 years doing OLD and briefly dated dud after dud until I found a keeper. It might take time and effort but if you are a catch yourself no reason why you can't end up with a good match eventually.

WaddleAway · 04/10/2022 12:45

I’d rather be alone than in a shitty marriage. In fact if my marriage broke up I can’t even imagine bothering to try and find someone else.

latetothefisting · 04/10/2022 12:46

I sort of see your point but you don't have to be at the extreme of "very happily single" in order for LTB to be a good idea, you just have to be happier than you would be in the relationship! Which from the state of some of the relationships is a very low bar!

SpinningFloppa · 04/10/2022 12:47

I find people say this a lot too but I’ve been single for 5 years not even possible for me to meet someone again and to the previous posters No people don’t have to be in relationships but people do say find someone else/ find someone that will treat you better as if it’s so easy

Doggiedoodoos · 04/10/2022 13:00

Having been married to a complete arse and then chosen to stay single for over a decade after I got rid of said arse I would also rather go back to being single than be with another arse.

PeekAtYou · 04/10/2022 13:04

I think that a lot of people say LTB quickly because the situation described by the OP is a red flag or the start of a slippery slope of escalation that they recognise.
So a post where the man isn't doing housework can seem trivial. However someone replying might recognise that as something that they experienced and it took a major event like having an operation and unable to do housework before they realised that they shouldn't have let it lie before.

otherwayup · 04/10/2022 13:05

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 04/10/2022 12:29

I'd rather be on my own than with an arse

Me too but I live in an expensive city and work hard but could in no way afford even the tiniest of homes for me and my dc.
If I won the lottery I'd be out of my marriage in a heartbeat.

PeekAtYou · 04/10/2022 13:06

Totally agree with the point that people don't have to jump into a new relationship. Being single and treating yourself as number one is a good thing. Jumping into another relationship risks not learning from past mistakes or thinking about red flags etc

GCAcademic · 04/10/2022 13:07

Research shows that women are happiest when they're single, doesn't it?

Macbeth8 · 04/10/2022 13:08

Yes agree..its a shame really especially because the older generation didnt just leave after one particular issue..which is why marriages used to last back then.

I believe if you really love someone, you can make it work.

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 13:11

Why would LTB be ‘LTB and you will jump straight into a new relationship’

Leaving isn’t about finding someone better. It’s about not putting up with shits it’s about knowing you deserve better than having someone in your life that treats you like shit.

Its about knowing you can be happier single, than with someone who treats you like shit and that’s ok.

Cloverforever · 04/10/2022 13:15

Macbeth8 · 04/10/2022 13:08

Yes agree..its a shame really especially because the older generation didnt just leave after one particular issue..which is why marriages used to last back then.

I believe if you really love someone, you can make it work.

I don't believe people now leave after one particular issue, but they are able to leave now if things are bad enough.

Sadly a lot of women had to stay I the past, which didn't necessarily do anybody any favours.

madasawethen · 04/10/2022 13:19

Being coupled up isn't a requirement.

Why stay with someone who grinds your down and treats you like shit just to have someone? That's insane.

More and more older people are seeking out share situations for companionship and to split the bills.

Gotmynewshoes · 04/10/2022 13:19

@Cloverforever yes, definitely. My grandmother stated with my grandfather because it was the thing to do. He gambled and drank all of their money and beat the shit out of her. Ah, the golden days...

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 13:23

Macbeth8 · 04/10/2022 13:08

Yes agree..its a shame really especially because the older generation didnt just leave after one particular issue..which is why marriages used to last back then.

I believe if you really love someone, you can make it work.

What a pile of shit.

No one ever suggests leaving over one issue, unless it’s something big like abuse, cheating or illegal behaviour.

The older generation didn’t leave because it was socially unacceptable and single mothers had very little opportunities to be able to support themselves and their children.

Domestic violence was accepted, even expected and not shocking. Rape wasnt even illegal. It’s not unusual for men or that generation to cheat and wives have to look the other way.

Women didn’t leave because they couldn’t. Not because they worked harder at being happy. They HAD to accept more shit. Marriages rarely end because there’s been one small problem, in decent marriage.

and no love isn’t always enough. It’s ridiculous to think you should stay in a miserable situation and keeping working at it because it will all work out, if you lived then enough.

Ponderingwindow · 04/10/2022 13:25

if someone has yet to have children and wants to find a partner for that purpose, then there can be some degree of a timetable for dating, but otherwise a new relationship is optional.

Posters say to LTB because people post some really horrific things and because many of us have lived through some really serious things. We recognize the warning signs and know what is coming tomorrow for these women if they don’t take charge of their lives today.

RandomMusings7 · 04/10/2022 13:27

GCAcademic · 04/10/2022 13:07

Research shows that women are happiest when they're single, doesn't it?

Single and childless

Eatingjumper · 04/10/2022 13:34

Watching some of my friends navigate cheating/abusive spouses, divorce, and OLD, I can confidently say that I would rather be single than deal with any of those things. It's not "stay with a dickhead or be forced to pursue one". It's value yourself enough not to put up with shite treatment from either camp. Sad fact of the matter is that there are a lot of crap men around and a lot of women who'd rather accept anything than be alone.

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