We're very quick to say LEAVE but...

[Marluuu]

Based on some of the threads I've read here and a conversation I had with a friend yesterday...I noticed that the usual advice to any bumps in a relationship / disagreements / different lifestyles, values or opinions is LTB, you have deserved better, go find someone who you're more compatible with, etc. But looking at everything I hear about OLD these days and the struggles people have in their late 30s/40s/50s to find someone, I wonder if this really is the best advice. Obviously there are 2 exceptions - definitely LTB if there is any form of abuse, and then there are people who are very happily single. But otherwise, would there really, realistically be something better out there? And once/if we do find a new partner who is loving and happy to commit, there would be other problems. Or maybe I'm just disillusioned 🤐

Women in the United States got the right to their own credit card the year I was born. How freaking messed up is that? Marriages lasted because women were trapped.

Even today lack of economic power is the real reason many people stay in bad or outright abusive relationships. It’s not the only reason, but it is an extremely common one.

I really hate this type of nonsense about the "good old days". Women didn't leave back then because they couldn't. And if they could, it was at a very high social and financial cost. Women were expected to put up with truly awful, abusive, disgusting treatment, and we're expected to think it was the good old days because marriages "lasted". I'm pleased we've moved on and people (in the UK) are no longer trapped like this to the same extent. If anything, I wish more women would value themselves enough to LTB.

You've put 'being single' as if it's an exception. I think many many all women once they've actually tried both a long term (15y plus) not very good relationship, and being single, they will discover the latter is the far better option.

Things are much much more nuanced that most posters in MN seem to think.

The whole ‘oh he is acting like a twat, doesn’t respect you’ blabla so you should LTB doesn’t take into account any of the advantages of being in a relationship, even when it’s crap.
The reality is that being a single mum with little support and a low income is hard work for example and actually can be harder work than living with a man child.
Me being disabled and unable to work means that, if I wanted to separate, I’d live in poverty.
Even now, with the cost of living crisis, it can mean that having two households can make it rally hard in both partners. Or it might be that one or several children have some SN and need more support etc etc….

It’s NOT just about finding a new partner. And how it is actually hard to find someone else to live with (in part, Imo, because most men are crap thanks to the toxic masculinity and patriarchy we are living in).
It’s about the whole stuff coming with living together and the fact the whole society is set up for healthy, financially independent single men or families (where the man in the house works full time and brings most of the income). If you’re a divorced dad, no problem. You just take lip service to being a father and the whole of issues coming with it (I’m talking here about the fact most divorced fathers have their dcs EOW etc…). A single mother with no support? That’s the people who are the most let down by the system. The very people who are told to LTB.
And then people are wondering why women are scared to leave?

But otherwise, would there really, realistically be something better out there

Better than what? It's not about comparing one date against another, it's about comparing whether dating this person makes your life better than it was when you were single. You're making the dating pool sound like 'Choose from this pile of crap men'. If they're all crap, don't choose one at all. Nobody has to have a relationship, and if you want one, even if it's with a man who doesn't make you feel particularly good, then you need to ask yourself why you think that way, rather than seeing yourself as the victim of the inferred paucity of decent men.

Yes, some good points here!

This

Find your post..odd.
The two choices are not stay in a crappy relationship or slog it out on soul destroying OLD.
I did LTB (with a lot of help from Mumsnet) and have been single parent for five years.
Not one regret, I am much happier ,calmer and view myself with much more respect than before.
Have no wish to live with a man ever again.

you mean which is why abuse was tolerated in marriages because of the social stigma of being divorced

Yes, this!

I think that a lot of posts on the Relationships boards are by people who are at the end of their tether. They have (usually) tried and hung on and fought for the relationship and there is a whole mountain of stuff behind that first post. People post on here about their relationships when they are desperate, and when things are desperate then quite often the right thing to do is leave.

And there are quite a few posts where it starts out with there being a few little niggles, and then bit by bit more and more stuff emerges and it seems obvious that the poster shouldn't LTB. Instead they should call the police!

I wish that it was easier to stay married, and that society encouraged effort and sacrifice from both partners. A good partnership is a thing of beauty.

I say ltb all the time, mean it all the time, I don’t see anything worth salvaging in the majority of these relationships

I think your post makes it sound like being in a relationship is the default setting, and it's definitely not. Why settle when you can just be happy on your own?

A lot of people here can easily say LTB because they're not emotionally invested in that person's life, so they can see it more logically. Whereas the person posting often has their rose tinted glasses on, or is secretly hoping that someone will them that they are just over-reacting.