Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset tonight

38 replies

Butterfly9090 · 03/10/2022 23:10

Background: married 15 years 2 dc
Situation: both work FT. I've taken on an extra job in the eve for more money for us. I'm doing an extra 13 hrs a week on top on top of my FT job.
Today I told him that I've booked a free no obligation appointment for window shutters. I'm not buying, just getting an idea of cost for future feasibility as i really want them one day He said he is fuming with me. He's come home tonight from the pub (I was out working till 8), got into bed, called me selfish, and is ignoring me. I'm in bits. I was in bed watching my tablet when he turned up. He's told me to go and get headphones.

I'm the least selfish person ever. I do everything at home and now the second job too. The second job is literally cleaning other people's shit up.
I can't sleep tonight, let alone go to work tomorrow as I'm so upset

Just needed to vent x

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 03/10/2022 23:25

I've been called selfish by him before. He once told me I'm the most selfish person he has ever known. That was in response to me not wanting the front door open of our apartment on holiday. We were ground floor and everyone could see into our bedroom with me and DC in bed. DH was hot and apparently needed the door open for the breeze.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 03/10/2022 23:29

i'd be willing to make this the last ever argument. you're obviously worth so much more than this waste of space. he knows exactly what to say to hurt you.
discuss dividing assets and how to disperse your current belongings.

MMmomDD · 03/10/2022 23:31

There must be more to the story - surely this isn’t an isolated incident.
But generally - are you sure you want to live with someone like that? Why???

Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 03/10/2022 23:38

@MMmomDD that is the whole story tonight. We are struggling a bit with money, hence the 2nd job. I was never going to buy the shutters, just a quote for future feasibility (I can but dream). He has flipped and told me (sober) that he is fuming with me as we have other priorities. I reiterated that I was only getting a free quote. He said again that he is fuming with me. Tonight he's come home drunk and told me, yet again, that I'm selfish. I literally do everything at home. All the cleaning. DC washing. Food shopping. I gave up asking him for help years ago after getting no help what so ever. But that's a different thread.
The other day he was hanging and I offered to go get him a mcds as I know how bad he would have been feeling. It's all been thrown back in my face tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 03/10/2022 23:43

Over the years there has been a lot of other low level stuff which has resulted in bickering. However, I have drawn a line under it all and I'm nothing but nice to him now to stop any bickering, I let almost everything slide (e.g. the no cleaning on his part). I have a second job for extra cash. And still I get called selfish and treated like this.

OP posts:
Honeylover333 · 03/10/2022 23:45

He’s horrible, OP. Do you really want your DC growing up believing that men should treat women like that? How many more years do you want to spend listening to it?

purpleboy · 03/10/2022 23:50

In the nicest possible way you're a doormat and he no longer has any respect for you.
You let him get away with everything, you can't then wonder why he treats you like shit. You put up no fight and he gets what he wants, you've helped create an entitled man child.
You either need to put very firm boundaries in place, or get the hell out. As a pp said is this really the kind of relationship you want to model to your dc?

Greybutterfly · 03/10/2022 23:53

He does have a point though. Why would you book an appointment for expensive shutters that you don’t need right now when your struggling so much you have had to take another job. I would be pissed if my DP arranged for someone to come round to price up shutters you have no intention of buying. You are also wasting the sales persons time if you have no way of paying for them right now.

Blowthemandown · 04/10/2022 00:13

@Butterfly9090 you have two jobs, he goes out and spends money getting drunk and calls YOU selfish? He needs to look in the mirror! Fuming on your behalf.

fallfallfall · 04/10/2022 00:16

@Greybutterfly she has a right to a little no cost fun dream of someday owning shutters. i look online at fancy coats, my dh would never dream of commenting on the unfeasibility of such a purchase.
dh took me to all sorts of dealerships to check out cars when we couldn't afford one. his dream. or add in tv hunting...i could go on and on. no harm in looking.

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/10/2022 00:22

I can't sleep tonight, let alone go to work tomorrow as I'm so upset

This is OTT dramatic. Don't be so ridiculous.

I was never going to buy the shutters, just a quote for future feasibility (I can but dream).

So you're going to completely waste someone's time when they're working and trying to make money?!! He has a point about you being selfish by doing this.

Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 00:23

@Blowthemandown yup. And it's all joint account too. neither of us have our own money or separate accounts. The other day he got stroppy because he said he was under pressure to update the online food shop (I started the order/booked the slot, he merely had to add anything extra he wanted) and do DC dinner (I had made sure food was in fridge) while I went and did a 3 hour shift for job number 2

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 00:25

@HundredMilesAnHour not dramatic at all. Upset that my good nature & consideration over the last x months and hardwork has been thrown right in my face tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 00:29

And the quote is free with no obligation. The company risk no sales if they give customers that option. i am merely taking them up on their offer. We will get the shutters, just not right now. To add for context - DH has an £8k games room which is solely for him

OP posts:
goldpendant · 04/10/2022 00:36

He has an 8K games room?? When did he install this? And you ok’d it?

sorry OP, you are being a mug. Sounds extremely controlling and financially abusive.

Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 00:43

@goldpendant installed a few years ago. It's his room, he choses decor etc. It has full size snooker table, bar, and mini gym. I wanted the bedroom as my domain (and the shutters in it!) to furnish/decorate how I wanted (its only ever been whitewashed so far though) he got the games room.

OP posts:
goldpendant · 04/10/2022 00:48

Did the games room contribute towards your financial difficulties now?

I’d suggest he sells some of his gaming toys so you don’t have to work a second job.

honestly if I were you I’d order the shutters. You’re working more hours and can pay them back.

but the bigger issue is that your husband sounds horrendous and I can’t imagine why you are staying? What are his redeeming features??

Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 00:59

@goldpendant the money issues stem from other things, his games room was paid for at the time. It's his dream, at the time of installing/buying it. I said I subsequently wanted more of a say in the house furnishings, to which he agreed. There's never been enough money since to get all the house bits I want to be done.

What I'm angry/upset about is the way he has thrown everything back in my face tonight and I'm puzzled as to why he is so angry about the quote. It's just a quote. And I'm angry he acts like this to me while I've been out doing job number 2

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly9090 · 04/10/2022 01:02

The other day I tried to surprise him with tickets to his favourite show, just because. I Couldn't get the tickets but explained to him after what I had wanted/tried to do.
That has also been thrown back in my face tonight too

OP posts:
unsync · 04/10/2022 01:04

He's down the pub drinking whilst you're working a 2nd job?

Sell the stuff in the man cave to give yourselves some cash. If he's selfless, he won't mind.

Not sure what you are getting out of this relationship tbh.

Yutes · 04/10/2022 01:11

OP you know you’re not selfish.
hell, even he probably knows you’re not selfish. But he knows that’s the words and actions that push your buttons.

He, on the other hand, is selfish. Even just asking you to put your headphones in tonight shows that, and that’s not counting the other things you’ve mentioned.

Hes also unreasonable to be fuming about a mere quote set up. It’s your time. And since you’re spending most of it working, a quote is no harm.

i would be having a think about my options, if I were you.

SummerWhisper · 04/10/2022 01:18

Honestly, he sounds vile. He does what he wants; spends your joint money on himself and abuses you when you make a decision without consulting him, even though he has already agreed to it in principle. Please...imagine your life without him. You could be so happy.

nzeire · 04/10/2022 02:04

That’s a hard read :(

LadyLeo99 · 04/10/2022 02:11

I do feel for you. When you say you can't work tomorrow because you're so upset, other people think you can just shrug it off, but it cuts you to the core, and I fully understand how you feel x

Thistlelass · 04/10/2022 02:29

Please identify another bank for yourself. Without telling him make sure your pay from both jobs goes directly into the new account. You can transfer back your share of essential expenditure. You might want to do that proportionate to your income or not. You need to take steps to organise this for your self esteem and also to put yourself in a more independent position if you split. Getting the quote for shutters wasn't your best move but his reaction is completely OTT.