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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulky pathetic husband and hunger strike

48 replies

Popcorn3 · 03/10/2022 21:55

This is just so stupid. I don't even know what I expect from posting this, just need to vent. Would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
A little background, we have been married for 10 years, have 3 school age children. We generally get on very well until recently. I decided to go very low/no contact with his parents. It has been years of them treating me like a non entity and having complete lack of respect, I decided enough is enough. Whenever the issue was brought up with my H, he agreed that their behaviour wasn't right but never did anything about it as he hates confrontation. We both are very calm people may I add.
So I made it perfectly clear to him that I don't want to get involved with inlaws anymore unless I absolutely have to. I also made it clear H is more than welcome to take kids to their place and visit, just leave me out of it. He listens but doesn't hear what I am saying. Still keeps telling me his mother wants to do this or his father wants to do that and I repeatedly say I don't.
So last Friday H tells me his parents want to visit and he already told them ok, I said no, he stupidly asks again why. I repeat why. Well he blew up, started to shout at me how he is fed up with this, how I hate his parents and trying to cause problems, I am stopping him and kids to see them, how I am always unhappy and complaining etc. I said it would be nice if he had my back for once. He stormed off and went to bed, I slept in spare bedroom and I am still sleeping here.
On Saturday he wouln't speak to me all day and spent most of the day in the bedroom. Occasionally would come out, make a mess in the kitchen, wouldn't tidy up after himself, eat kids' snacks and dissapear again. I had to wake up very early on Sunday morning for work so was hoping to get an early night. I made dinner for everyone, he decided he is not eating it and buggered off to bed at dinner time leaving me to sort out the kids.
On Sunday I came home early evening time, showered, changed and went to spare bedroom to lie down for a bit. He made dinner, I came through just to find he has set up a table and made enough for himself and kids, nothing for me. I asked if I am not invited to eat now, he said he thought I was sleeping. I found some leftovers from the night before and ate them alone.
So today he spent all day in a bedroom again. I picked up kids from school, made dinner and again he decided he is not eating. I told him to stop wasting food as I made enough for everyone. He is still sulking, sighing, giving me silent treatment and basically being an arse. He also closed a door in my face today when I was saying something. Is this the beggining of an end of our relationship?

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 03/10/2022 22:04

Oh dear. I am sorry you are having to deal with this immature arsey behaviour. I suspect he is doing this because he knows you are right and doesn't like it so is trying to make you back down. Your decision (which is completely reasonable) means that he is having to confront his family's behaviour and he doesn't feel comfortable with that. It's his problem not yours.

Meltingsocks · 03/10/2022 22:09

Sadly he's inherited his parents lack of respect.

Ignore, ignore. Ignore

britneyisfree · 03/10/2022 22:11

Ultimatum time. Ask him if he'd like to separate. He needs to buck his ideas up

WallaceinAnderland · 03/10/2022 22:15

He is scared of saying no to his parents so he is stropping about in the hope that you will change your mind. Stick to your guns and once he stands up to his parents he will realise that he was silly to be scared of them and things might get better between you.

sallyloveschips · 03/10/2022 22:17

I couldn't live like this. What a horrible atmosphere for you and your dc. He is being so painfully immature. You have asserted your boundaries and he doesn't like it but rather than have an adult discussion he is punishing you and acting like a baby.

I don't know if there are other issues in the relationship but I would find this incredibly unattractive and would be reconsidering the future. Life is too short for such bullshit.

pictish · 03/10/2022 22:21

Well I dunno. I’d be pissed off if my spouse told me my parents couldn’t visit my home.

Original poster
Popcorn3 · 03/10/2022 22:33

If your parents visited your home and called your spouse stupid in front of everyone including your kids for having a different opinion? Who would you be pissed off at? It's my home too.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/10/2022 23:06

Oh dear. Very late in the day, manchild DH has finally had to grow up and take responsibility and challenge his parents. By next week the overgrown teenager will have acne, horrible BO and whine about the grown ups violating his human rights.

Stick to your guns, eventually he'll grow up and cut his Mummy's apron strings.

DragonflyNights · 03/10/2022 23:12

Tbh i’d say the beginning of the end was him failing to stand up for you with his parents and ignoring your repeated upset and telling him you’d have enough. This level of childish and petty behaviour from him with the food sounds very much like it should be the actual end. Sorry you’re going through this.

MMmomDD · 03/10/2022 23:45

This is a childish way to behave. Him mostly. But I think you are also being passive aggressive.

it’s all fine for you to decide not to have contact with his parents. However - you are underestimating the effect of that on him and your kids.
On this - I agree with him - you can’t prohibit his parents from visiting. If you don’t want to be there when they come - go out and visit a friend or smth.

And finally and more importantly - I don’t understand why people expect others to fight their battles. If someone called me stupid in my house in front of my kids - I would tell them in no uncertain terms that this isn’t acceptable in my house. I don’t need a man to protect me.
Going low contact is a conflict avoiding strategy that solves nothing - why not tell his parents directly what your issues are with them.
They then can decide if they want to change for the sake of seeing grandkids, or not.

Original poster
Popcorn3 · 04/10/2022 00:15

I did suggest to disappear for when inlaws come to visit, that wasn't good enough, he kicked off about how obvious it would be. About calling me stupid, that was just one example and before I got the chance to say anything my H quickly changed the topic to avoid any uncomfortable situation.
This has been going on for years, I've been cut out of family pictures, treated as a non family member because I am not related by blood from what I understand, being excluded from events, being left to deal with difficult situations alone with no help or support, the list goes on and on. I told my H if roles were reversed I would't hesitate for the moment to tell my parents to get a grip and to treat my other half with respect they deserve. He has stood up for me many years ago and I was hoping he still would but that seems not be the the case anyomore.

OP posts:
pompomdaisy · 04/10/2022 00:31

I think you should leave the sulky bugger and his in laws. Your not in a relationship really.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2022 00:35

Is this the beggining of an end of our relationship?

Yes. That's exactly what this is. If the shoe were on the other foot, your husband wouldn't stand for it. Leave the pathetic, hypocritical coward.

unsync · 04/10/2022 00:42

It sounds like you are done. Let him get on with it, he can go stay with them as they appear more important to him than you.

Delilahonabike · 04/10/2022 01:02

I would be finding it very difficult to not tell him to grow up or fuck off tbh OP, I'm not surprised you're struggling to cope with or understand his behaviour, it's beyond ridiculous. I don't think I could stay with a grown adult capable of throwing such a giant sized tantrum, does he genuinely not have any better tools for dealing with conflict?

For now I think the best thing you can do is emotionally detach, go about your business as if he wasn't there, don't cook for him again and maybe start quietly putting some ducks in a row so you have a head start if this is the end.

MintJulia · 04/10/2022 01:45

unsync · 04/10/2022 00:42

It sounds like you are done. Let him get on with it, he can go stay with them as they appear more important to him than you.

It sounds like it's over. He refuses to accept any of your solutions to the issue (you making yourself absent etc), and won't suggest any solution himself.

He just wants to disregard your feelings, he wants you to shut up and put up with his parents. And when you won't let him have his own way, he's having a toddler's tantrum.

You have two choices, ignore him and wait for him to get over it, until next time, while setting an appalling example to your children, or separate.

Your poor dcs. 🙁

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 01:51

Contempt is a very powerful relationship killer.

He seems to feel it for you, and hearing your side of the story even I feel it for him!

What will you do? It’s no way to live.

His actions say a lot more is going on. Such an ugly dance.

Vegay · 04/10/2022 01:57

@MMmomDD has hit the nail on the head.

Cameleongirl · 04/10/2022 02:06

I wouldn’t discuss it further and if he wants to have them over, go out.

GingerKittenTail · 04/10/2022 02:08

Why should you have to go out of your home tho for them to visit

he can take kids n visit them

this is your home your nest and safe place

Cameleongirl · 04/10/2022 02:10

@GingerKittenTail That would be ideal, yes, but if he insists on having them over, because it’s his home too, I’d personally go out!

pinheadlarry · 04/10/2022 02:35

Something is giving meq alarm bells about your DH because ive seen this type of behaviour before..

Could it be possible that he is bad mouthing you to his parents and "stirring the pot"?
He might be venting to his parents about you, saying negative things
" shes not letting you see the kids because she doesnt like you/shes difficult" or something to that effect
And of course if hes saying bad things about you, his parents are going to have a negative view of you now.. which could explain the way they treat you 1( not saying its right)

I think your dh could be playing both sides of the fence here and his behaviours,
silent treatment, sulking, blowing up on you, are all narcissistic behaviours

I think it would be in your interest to have a family intervention
You, your dh, his parents and if you want, a mediator,
It could be one of your friends who is neutral to the situation (but has your back)

You can put everything on the table, explain how they make you feel
And they can give their sides too, it will be interesting to see what they have to say and how your dh will react to this confrontation, he might get angry about it..

Hopefully,
if you can all verbalize your feelings, it might diffuse the tensionthats built up and you can discuss how you can move going forward
You dont all have to be best friends but it will be benefecial to your kids if you can all get along..

autocollantes · 04/10/2022 04:15

Go out when they come. He can't stop you. He'll throw a strip because he'll have to give a reason and he's clearly unable to do that.

While I agree with MMmomDD and have had positive experiences of airing problems, I've also found that it only works if the people you're discussing the problems with are open to discussion. If they're the gaslighting type ("Oh goodness, why would you think we don't like you? You're taking things out of context. I'm so upset that you could think about me like that?") then it's entirely pointless and can really backfire if they're professional victims because they'll tell everybody how horrible you were to them.

Ignore your DHs behaviour. Literally don't mention it or react to it (outwardly). Meanwhile make sure your ducks are in a row so that if this is the beginning of the end, that you are as well positioned as possible. And then if this idiocy is still continuing, then approach it directly with him: if he doesn't want to eat with you, listen to you, interact with you or respect you enough to make your own decisions about who you see, then you want to know why he is still with you. Depending on that answer, you know your next steps.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2022 05:04

Agree 100% with @pinheadlarry

I had this exact experience with exH and his mother. He realized he could get her attention and sympathy if he sobbed on her shoulder about what a bad wife I was and how miserable I made him. His mother lapped it all up and encouraged it, even at one low point telling me exH was only looking at porn because I had failed as a woman and a wife. ExMIL badmouthed all her sons and daughters in law to all the other members of the family. She liked to play the spider at the centre of a web she had created.

Leomii81 · 04/10/2022 08:06

That's really good advice

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