Sulky pathetic husband and hunger strike

[Popcorn3]

This is just so stupid. I don't even know what I expect from posting this, just need to vent. Would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
A little background, we have been married for 10 years, have 3 school age children. We generally get on very well until recently. I decided to go very low/no contact with his parents. It has been years of them treating me like a non entity and having complete lack of respect, I decided enough is enough. Whenever the issue was brought up with my H, he agreed that their behaviour wasn't right but never did anything about it as he hates confrontation. We both are very calm people may I add.
So I made it perfectly clear to him that I don't want to get involved with inlaws anymore unless I absolutely have to. I also made it clear H is more than welcome to take kids to their place and visit, just leave me out of it. He listens but doesn't hear what I am saying. Still keeps telling me his mother wants to do this or his father wants to do that and I repeatedly say I don't.
So last Friday H tells me his parents want to visit and he already told them ok, I said no, he stupidly asks again why. I repeat why. Well he blew up, started to shout at me how he is fed up with this, how I hate his parents and trying to cause problems, I am stopping him and kids to see them, how I am always unhappy and complaining etc. I said it would be nice if he had my back for once. He stormed off and went to bed, I slept in spare bedroom and I am still sleeping here.
On Saturday he wouln't speak to me all day and spent most of the day in the bedroom. Occasionally would come out, make a mess in the kitchen, wouldn't tidy up after himself, eat kids' snacks and dissapear again. I had to wake up very early on Sunday morning for work so was hoping to get an early night. I made dinner for everyone, he decided he is not eating it and buggered off to bed at dinner time leaving me to sort out the kids.
On Sunday I came home early evening time, showered, changed and went to spare bedroom to lie down for a bit. He made dinner, I came through just to find he has set up a table and made enough for himself and kids, nothing for me. I asked if I am not invited to eat now, he said he thought I was sleeping. I found some leftovers from the night before and ate them alone.
So today he spent all day in a bedroom again. I picked up kids from school, made dinner and again he decided he is not eating. I told him to stop wasting food as I made enough for everyone. He is still sulking, sighing, giving me silent treatment and basically being an arse. He also closed a door in my face today when I was saying something. Is this the beggining of an end of our relationship?

Good advice

Sadly I'd agree that tolerating this doesn't teach your children very healthy ideas of relationships. I'd at least put it out there to test the water and get his reaction at being asked if he wants to separate. It seems now you've put your foot down and he realises you mean it this time, he knows now that he is going to have to go against his parents if he supports you and that worries him. There's absolutely no reason he had to 8nvite them to the house to see the kids because you're not stopping him or the kids seeing them anyway.

I would not let these people destroy my marriage. That would make them happy.

you need to challenge these people. Nicely. Have your stock phrases ready!

you’re stupid? Excuse me did you just call me stupid?

asking invasive questions - why do you want to know that?

etc

I think you are in the wrong for forbidding him from inviting his parents. It is his house too.

I will caveat that maybe you do have good cause, but I can’t tell from what you have said here. One instance of calling you stupid without knowing how it was said doesn’t really seem to justify it, I have joking called a relative stupid at some point I am sure.

Maybe RTFT? OP has made it clear it is far more than a single instance of bad behaviour. It's structural and long term.

OP's husband won't let her leave for the day, which would be the obvious solution, because he thinks it would look bad. So what's she supposed to do?

Me, I'd be getting rid of the pathetic mummy's boy.

He'd pathetic.

Actually I feel for you because I don't like my in laws either! They've said some horrendous stuff about me. Still try to control DP and every aspect of his life. I'm also not in any pictures around their home but BIL's partner of 3 months is up there 🤔. It's just petty things like that.

The thing is it's lack of respect from your DH. My DP knows I don't like his parents and I won't shy away from telling him that and he respects that. I don't want to be involved in anything they're doing, so I don't. He wouldn't even question it. It's his parents he can see them.

He's*

You say you're both calm people but I'm wondering if that's code for "unable to have an honest and difficult conversation and just ignore things until they blow".

Clearly you're enormously pissed off to cut his parents out of your life and clearly he's enormously pissed off too - and it seems he can indeed have a confrontation of sorts if he really wants to. I'd like to hear his side of things, although he's an arsehole to leave you with the kids the whole time.

Perhaps if you can both get a little better at awkward conversations, communication won't have to come to this. If this is how it has to be, then no, I can't see it lasting.

Just wondering if your situation has improved at all for you @Popcorn3 ?

My FIL is awful to me, he is sneaky though and did it out if earshot of witnesses so whilst DH believed me he couldnt witness the venom in the way FIL came across.

He once told me the English are stupid, vulgar and second class in status to his Scottish countrymen. My children, his grandchildren are half English and ironically FIL swear terribly and uses phrases like "darkies" to refer to POC, when confronted he says it's normal in scotland and not offensive and I'm just trying to be woke. I told him I thought he was vulgar.

I went low contact, I wont go and stay in their house anymore. But have done a short visit if we are up there visiting DHs friends. If he came to visit I would make plans to be out as much as possible and DH supported me with this. One thing DH does is male sure I'm never alone in a room with FIL, and calls FIL out more on his behaviour.

Now FIL wont visit, i suspect because we now have a really nice house, nicer than his and half his pleasure from visiting came from being able to tell me how much I was failing as a mother by having children grow up in a crappy house (it wasnt crappy, just needed work doing to it which we couldnt afford and then when we could afford it we moved).

I should say, FIL now wont engage with us more than a bare minimum anyway after he got into a verbal fight with DH. I think FIL is really struggling with the idea that he is no longer the strong, male "head of the family" and is now just a grumpy old man. He used to comment that he could win in a physical fight against DH, now clearly he wouldnt. Ditto, as a strong female and talented martial artist I'd wipe the floor with him 😁 he thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen.

If I were you OP I'd be confronting DH, asking if he wants to separate. It's one thing to not agree with you going no contact, but to treat you with such disrespect is just wrong.

In the real world, standing up people such as the IL means full in aggression from their part when they are pulled up in their behaviour.
It wouldn’t solve any issues.

The OP can’t tell her DH that his parents can’t come. It would have been polite to ask her first, knowing she doesn’t want to see them anymore. Plus if course, when there are family sites such as that one, one partner going on their own to see their parents (with kids) is a pretty usual way to deal with the situation.
More to the point, the OP proposed to be away at that time and her DH refused!

Lastly, I’d like to know why the impact on her DH is important in your eyes than the impact on herself. And why she ‘should have taken that into account’? Shouldn’t her DH have taken into the impact of his parents and him insisting g they all play happy families on the OP?

As fur the dcs, I have been the child in the middle. I would have preferred not to see said grand parents. I never liked the way they were talking to my mum. I always felt extremely uncomfortable. If the OP isn’t there, there is a chance the IL will be more relaxed, which is a plus for the dcs. If the IL make a scene and make everyone uncomfortable, then it’s their responsibility. They could have chosen to deal with it when dcs aren’t I resent etc…

He is highly abusive behaviour and a terrible environment for your children to be in.

Your marriage is over.

Start making plans.

Start with asking him to leave and go stay with his parents.

So sulking has stopped. I think. He is away on a work trip. Called me today, initially just asking about kids and general stuff at home.
Then started talking about the issue. He was trying his best to reassure me how important our relationship is to him, he would do anything to make it right. He hates conflicts and is struggling to manage this kind of stress (his words). He is building up to have a converastion with his parents and doesn't know what to say, is worried what the outcome will be. It seems to me he is not accepting me going low/no contact with them, he just wants everyone to get along and to be happy, wants to fix this but doesn't know how.

Why are you accepting being treated like this?

It's a good start @Popcorn3 . Don't let him drop the ball.

He was trying his best to reassure me how important our relationship is to him, he would do anything to make it right. He hates conflicts and is struggling to manage this kind of stress (his words).

Really? He doesn't talk to you for days, he slams a door in your face, he doesn't cook for you when doing his own/dc dinner, and he forbade you from leaving the house when IL visit ? That is not a man who dislikes conflicts or views you as important. That is a man who is very cross that little wife is disobeying him. Hes trying to get you back in line.

When you say you are both calm people generally, is this because you normally agree/have no view and follow his lead, his suggestions over anything? Where to go, what to eat, holidays, gadgets etc? Have you ever said no, I want this?

i hope you said however you manage this stress it needs to be without ever behaving like this in front of our kids again. I’ve come very close to just asking you to move out this past week. I think you should get some counselling to help you find techniques that will work without destroying your marriage, I’m happy to help you look for some.

Seems like he’s been loving conflict the last few days
he’s very able to make his displeasure clear to you, crazy how it doesn’t work when he unhappy with his parents
I’d find it very off putting to have a H who didn’t have my back and defend me. So I couldn’t put up with this or the sulking. Who does he even think he is, it’s laughable

That might be what he has said, but his behaviour clearly tells a different story. He has been trying to punish you for days by sulking, to get you to fall in line. He obviously has no issue being in conflict - with you. He does have an issue with conflict when it means he will lose face in front of his family.

He's realised his punishment of you isn't working, so he is trying a different tack to get you to comply. Think of it as good cop, bad cop, only he is playing both parts.

Agree with this and subsequent posts too.

You are married to a nasty abusive prick who has been bullying you.

My marriage would be over if my husband did ANY of those things.

You need counselling if you think his behaviour is normal or acceptable.

I wouldn't want any man who thought behaving like that in front of my children was acceptable returning to the house.

He is a bully and you have low standards if you just allow him to move on from this.

His parents are the least of your worries with an abusive prick treating you like that.

The key should be in the door when he returns, pass a bag out the window and tell him to stay with his nasty parents as you need space to think about his behaviour.

That's what someone with self respect would do.

They would not tolerate behaviour like this.

He's making it all about him and his feelings when he should be grovelling on his knees over the way he has behaved to you. It's incredibly manipulative - he's seen that the sulking hasn't worked so now he's trying the 'woe is me' approach. Don't fall for it. You've set fully reasonable boundaries with his awful parents and he isn't supporting you. Tell him that playing happy families isn't going to happen and he and his parents are going to have to accept your VLC/NC approach.

He is building up to have a converastion with his parents and doesn't know what to say, is worried what the outcome will be. It seems to me he is not accepting me going low/no contact with them, he just wants everyone to get along and to be happy, wants to fix this but doesn't know how.

Then he just has to grow up and step up.
Mum, Dad, Popcorn and I are not at all happy with the way you treat her. We don’t want to stop you visiting our home but we will. Popcorn is NOT stupid and I will not have you speaking to her like that, you have offended both of us. There are other examples where you’ve not treated her as a family member. Unless this changes we will not be having a close relationship with you. I want you both to apologise for your behaviour.
It’s not rocket science. If they don’t change then it’s low contact or no contact, they were given the chance.

Please try relationship counselling, or he could have private therapy on how to deal with his problem of standing up to his parents.