Struggling so much with parenting alone - not necessarily a solution but I need to vent!

[Hersmilefadedlater]

I’m feeling really low.

I don’t see my husband and neither does our daughter. I do everything - the nursery runs, packing the bag, any wake ups in the night, get up in the morning and go to her, bath and bed. Everything.

I’ve really badly fallen into default parent mode but I don’t know how to get out of it.

That sounds really tough OP. what's the situation - does he work very long hours/away? How old is your child?

Thank you! He does sometimes work away but he seems to avoid spending time with us as well. He fills his weekend with this and that and we just don’t see him, or if we do its fleetingly.

Time for a frank discussion. Why is he avoiding you? Did he want a child?

That’ll really mess her up-the father openly showing he wants nothing to do with her. Abandonment issues, people pleaser, and then the anger. How will he parent 50/50 when you inevitably (if you have any sense) divorce the piece of shit? Surely he has plans in place for that, since only a total idiot would think anyone would want to stay married to deadbeat him.

He did as far as I know and we are TTC no2.

I don’t know why he’s avoiding us, he will say not and maybe that’s true. But it is hard not to feel a bit fed up with the assumption that you’re good to do everything child related. I am in fact but I just feel a bit taken for granted.

What? You’re inflicting this man on another kid? Ffs.

Not helpful.

It’d be cruel of you to inflict this man on another kid. Your existing child will already be damaged enough. How can you bear to have him near you? Deadbeats are scum.

What would happen if you just got up super early on Saturday and went out and left your dc with him?

Please, please don’t put up with this!

I’m parenting alone because my DH is dead, your husband is alive and kicking and bringing nothing to the party

It would have to be super super early at the moment as DD is going through a phase of waking at 5.

Nothing would happen. I mean I could but I’m not really looking to leave the house and leave DD with him. What I’d like is for him to spend more time with her and me and not to effectively forget he’s a parent really.

I really would stop TTC. He’s not interested in family life at all, and things will just get worse for you with another child added into the mix.

Definitely stop TTC. This man is a shit father, why would you inflict him on another innocent kid?

I don’t think he is, or he never used to be. I just wish I could work out what’s happened to us. In any case, stopping TTC is t going to solve the problem and not having any luck getting pregnant anyway.

I'm so sorry to say it but I think you're looking at him through the rosiest tinted spectacles on the planet.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. He's not spending time with you out of choice. His choice. He is making arrangements to be elsewhere.

What is it about the situation that makes you think this man is worth investing yours and your children's lives?

Stopping TTC won't solve the problem, but getting pregnant will make it worse. Having multiple children with disinterested fathers is pretty selfish imo.

i don’t know as on the fact of it there’s always a reasonable explanation, he certainly doesn’t have form for lying. But even if the explanation is reasonable the assumption that I’m OK with it all is jarring.

Have you actually spoken to him about it?

Focusing on that won’t be helpful, though.

You're being quite deliberately obtuse here OP, presumably because you want another baby and don't really care that much about the damage having a father who avoids you would do.

Pause TTC. Work out what is going on with your husband. Wait a good six months to see if he will actually change, and then start TTC again if he's got his shit together and is being a better parent.

Well it can't be that bad if you are TTCx2.

If he is the baby daddy you have chosen you might just have to accept things as they are.

I’m not being obtuse, I’m just trying to keep the thread from focusing on a baby that probably won’t even happen and focused on the relationship.

Stop ttc number 2 for starters! Why would you want a second child to be in this situation?

I’m trying to @frozendaisy and that’s probably the best strategy.

I cannot begin to tell you how harmful it will be to your daughter to grow up with a father who avoids her. If you're not going to address the situation with him, then you need to leave, so you can at least mitigate the damage to your existing child.