Struggling so much with parenting alone - not necessarily a solution but I need to vent!

[Hersmilefadedlater]

I’m feeling really low.

I don’t see my husband and neither does our daughter. I do everything - the nursery runs, packing the bag, any wake ups in the night, get up in the morning and go to her, bath and bed. Everything.

I’ve really badly fallen into default parent mode but I don’t know how to get out of it.

Why are you trying to have another baby with someone who isn't interested in you or your existing baby?
It makes no sense.

I think you have to ask him OP.

Also - do you work? if you are a SAHP and he works full-time, he may think that gives him the right to solo weekends too (for some reason?!)

But if this is new behaviour, you need to raise it with him and let him know clearly that you feel abandoned

Having another baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship, even healthy ones can struggle with the extra responsibility, less time ‘off’, recovering from birth and helping the older child adjust.

I cannot see why anyone would try for another baby with a man clearly not interested in their first one. I feel very sorry for your daughter and when you have another baby you will be one person split two ways rather than two equal parents supporting each other and both children.

also quite telling he has time to ‘ttc’ with you but no time to spend with his child. Grim.

I think pp are focusing on the TTC aspect because it's such a terrible idea, you're literally choosing to have kids with an absent father.

How long have you been together? Does he love you..

F

I know you don't want to focus on the ttc, but to my mind its the most urgent part of your post. If you think it's hard being a solo parent to one child, just wait till you have to do it with 2. Reading between the lines, you want a second kid and the circumstances of its birth are not something you are concerned about. Sure, you've not been successful yet but it could be next month or the one after. And then that's another child on earth, wondering why its dad doesn't love it, why it's dad will do anything rather than spend time with it. You're not responsible for your husbands lack of interest in his child, but you have the power to limit its impact onto yet another child. That's why everyone is talking about that part.

In terms of making him step up to parenting in his family life, if you haven't already then you need to talk to him and lay it out in no uncertain terms. You don't say if you are a sahp or what the situation is, but regardless, the weekends should be a 50/50 split of responsibility at the very least. He won't change when you talk to him (or maybe he will, maybe I'm just jaded......) so you need to decide what you are willing to accept and what is your "walk away" point. Keep in mind what your DD will see, think, and feel living with a man who actively avoids her (and you). Is that the kind of relationship you want for her when she is older? What is it teaching her about what is acceptable in relationships? Also worth considering - is this all you reckon you deserve in life?

I'm sorry this is falling to you when it is his actions causing it. Unfortunately that's just the way it is. He's abdicated responsibility and you are left having to struggle with the weight.

I was in the same position as you and I’m afraid it didn’t get better, it got so much worse. He didn’t know how to do anything for our children and started working late, became angry, controlling with finances, then had an affair for a year and a half and then left earlier this year - yet he was the one who begged me for children.

I was desperate for another baby too (even had a miscarriage a week before he left though we weren’t actively trying) and though I’d love another baby I’m glad I only have the children I have now. A newborn on top of this all would be devastating.

You need to have a sit down, really address these issues with him and maybe even try counselling - if he gets angry or defensive or doesn’t want to try and sort this then you really do have your answers - it’ll never get any better I’m afraid.