Page 2 | Codependancy. Good or bad thing

Duchessisawesome · 2022-10-03T11:10:56+00:00

It has been suggested that I read about codependancy. I have done and done on online test which suggests that I am moderately codependant. Is this a bad thing based on my marriage problems

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 07:46

It keeps getting mentioned about my childhood. I had what I thought the most loving, caring parents. Like any child I would get disciplined when necessary. I must say though. I was never shown any love as such though. I can't remember the last time I would give my parents a cuddle and/or a kiss before bed. I can't remember saying I love you to them untill they got poorly and I lost them both. My husband on the other hand has this kind of upbringing. Even now. He will still say I love you to his brothers, sister and even his dad and give them a kiss when he leaves them after visiting. Could this be my issue although my 3 older brothers don't seem to have any problems that I know about anyway

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Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 07:55

I'd also like to mention not recalling seeing any violence between my parents or towards me or my brothers. I did sort of detach myself when I met my husband and spent lots of time in my bedroom but I was 14 at the time and thought this pretty normal for a teenager.

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Choconut · 04/10/2022 08:26

You met your husband at 14?? How old was he? You've basically never known adult life without him which I would guess would make you more prone to dependency because you've never have the experience of managing without him. Boundaries are really important for you to have and saying no at times is a very important and positive thing. If you don't feel you can say no for whatever reason then that is an issue.

You say you had the most loving, caring parents but in the same breath you say you were never shown any love. Did you feel loved, supported and valued by them even if it wasn't said or shown physically? Or did you just think what you had as a child was normal because you didn't know any different?

It sounds like you are a people pleaser, always wanting to say yes - were you discouraged from having your own opinions as a child? Were your wants and ideas over ridden by your parents? What happened if you said no to them?

This doesn't have to be just one person's problem. If your OH is being abusive then that is unacceptable and he has a problem. I don't know what's going on for him so I don't know if he's dependent on you. But if you minimise his bad behaviour, don't like to say no to him and walk on egg shells to keep him happy because you are afraid of losing him - and generally don't feel like you could manage/live without him - then it sounds like you are dependent on him.

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 09:56

Choconut · 04/10/2022 08:26

You met your husband at 14?? How old was he? You've basically never known adult life without him which I would guess would make you more prone to dependency because you've never have the experience of managing without him. Boundaries are really important for you to have and saying no at times is a very important and positive thing. If you don't feel you can say no for whatever reason then that is an issue.

You say you had the most loving, caring parents but in the same breath you say you were never shown any love. Did you feel loved, supported and valued by them even if it wasn't said or shown physically? Or did you just think what you had as a child was normal because you didn't know any different?

It sounds like you are a people pleaser, always wanting to say yes - were you discouraged from having your own opinions as a child? Were your wants and ideas over ridden by your parents? What happened if you said no to them?

This doesn't have to be just one person's problem. If your OH is being abusive then that is unacceptable and he has a problem. I don't know what's going on for him so I don't know if he's dependent on you. But if you minimise his bad behaviour, don't like to say no to him and walk on egg shells to keep him happy because you are afraid of losing him - and generally don't feel like you could manage/live without him - then it sounds like you are dependent on him.

I don't like to say no to him and try to keep him happy because he gets moody and can get angry and then the verbal comes out which I can't stand.

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Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 10:19

He was 16 at the time

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christmasGift · 04/10/2022 10:25

I think my relationship is one where codependency is happening. I have severe issues (ptsd, asd, adhd, ocd, abandonment fears and anxiety). I basically can’t function and dh has to do far too much for me. Like another poster we’ve been together since our teen years. I was living in an abusive home and he was my friend and the only one who helped me now here we are in what to outsiders is an unhealthy relationship?

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 10:44

christmasGift · 04/10/2022 10:25

I think my relationship is one where codependency is happening. I have severe issues (ptsd, asd, adhd, ocd, abandonment fears and anxiety). I basically can’t function and dh has to do far too much for me. Like another poster we’ve been together since our teen years. I was living in an abusive home and he was my friend and the only one who helped me now here we are in what to outsiders is an unhealthy relationship?

I feel for you. I suffer from anxiety and its not good at all. I do find people's comments are helping me with that somewhat

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FlowerArranger · 04/10/2022 10:50

So you grew up in an emotionally barren home and attached yourself to the first person who offered you scraps of love? And you've become a people pleaser who is walking on eggshells to appease the abusive partner he has become?

There's a lot to unravel here, @Duchessisawesome . If you could get a few counseling that would be great, but reading up on these issues, including about attachment, would be a good start.

The following are classic books that will give you a lot of insight:

Women who love too much by Robin Norwood
The six pillars of self esteem by Nathaniel Barden
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 11:04

Thank you. I will have a look at the attachment thing first.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2022 14:45

Everything @FlowerArranger said. You were craving love and something that looked a bit like it walked in. Because you haven't had good, healthy love in relationships modelled to you, you are clinging to a facsimile of it.