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Original poster

Friends BF moved in after 3 months

44 replies

subolooo · 03/10/2022 10:26

I know this is nothing to do with me but I'm a little bit concerned about one of my friends. She has been seeing a guy for the past 3 months. They spend a lot of time together and get on amazingly, in fact I've never seen her so happy and he really does seem very genuine. However, he has moved in with her last week and I feel its far too early for the both of them.

I did speak to her and ask if it was the right thing to do so early on and she told me that there wasnt much choice right now as his tenancy was up and he has nowhere else to go right now. I'm not sure if it was even discussed at length or weather it was a case of "well you're staying here a lot why not just stay permanently".

I know theres nothing I can do or say to her, I'm just a bit concerned that she is going to get hurt once they do get to know each other due to living together.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 03/10/2022 10:28

No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to live.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 03/10/2022 10:34

Does she have kids

Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 10:45

@SunshineAndFizz Thats exactly what I thought too.

@Cigarettesaftersex1 She does but they are both older and one has left home already.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 03/10/2022 10:55

Not much you can do other than be there for her if/when it all crumbles. Sounds like you are a good friend

Snugglemonkey · 03/10/2022 10:57

Noone knows if it will work out but it is not to do with you. All you can do is support and hope it goes well.

Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 11:04

I'm hoping and praying it works out well for both of them as they do really seem so happy together. I dont really know much about his background and I'm scared that he's taking advantage of her and using her for a place to stay. I really hope this is not the case though.

OP posts:
moonriverandme · 03/10/2022 11:09

How old is your friend? Have they both got homes of their own? I met my husband in April, we both had our own homes. We moved in together in June. Been married 36 years, it can all work out well.

NotLactoseFree · 03/10/2022 11:25

If there aren't young children involved, I wouldn't be hugely concerned about the speed as an issue all by itself - if you fall hard and you fall fast and you're of an age that means you know your own mind, it's not that big a deal.

But there are potential red flags here, most notably is whether he's paying his way? Because moving in quickly for convenience and love but still contributing is very different to targeting someone so that you can become a full time cocklodger.

bonzaitree · 03/10/2022 11:27

Tbh, she can kick him out whenever she wants 🤷‍♀️

Make sure you speak to her about fair split of bills. If he turns out to be a cocklodger he can be kicked out. Job done.

TightDiamondShoes · 03/10/2022 11:28

Hobosexual.

CannibalQueen · 03/10/2022 11:31

Ain't that the truth.....

YouAreNotBatman · 03/10/2022 11:37

TightDiamondShoes · 03/10/2022 11:28

Hobosexual.

I love this word!

MsMarch · 03/10/2022 11:39

Friend 1: a man she had been friends with for years, broke up with his wife and suddenly him and my friend were soooo in love. He "had" to move in with her and her young daughter because "he's still paying the mortgage and all the bills for his wife and he had nowhere else".

Friend 2: New boyfriend, all super loved up and he's "amazing" but <shock> he had to move in after 3 months because he was lodging somewhere and couldn't stay there but couldn't get a private rental because his girlfriend had "Screwed" him on the money and as a result he was no bankrupt.

Friend 3: Fell madly and totally in love with a starving artist type and he, of course, moved in. It supposedly didn't cost her much to have him move in with her so there was no reason to force him to pay.... funny how he always had money for beer and weed.

Obviously, I hope your friend isn't in one of the above situations. But it is surprisingly common.

Iflyaway · 03/10/2022 11:42

they are both older and one has left home already.

No way would I move a man into my home if I had kid living there. (I'm a solo parent). They suddenly have to share their home with a stranger....

Wonder if she discussed it with him/her before moving him in.

Anyway, I hope it works out for them and that he is paying HIS FAIR SHARE OF THE BILLS!!

Doggiedoodoos · 03/10/2022 11:46

How old is the child at home? 3 months is far too soon to introduce a new man to the child let alone move him in.

GoogleUser · 03/10/2022 11:52

He knew his tenancy was up, yet he hadn't bothered to secure somewhere new to live???

Any self-respecting adult who knows their tenancy is running out would've been actively using their notice period (usually, a tenant is given a two months notice period) to secure themselves new accommodation.

He's a scrounger, an opportunist and unreliable.
Alarm bells are ringing!

Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 13:09

@moonriverandme They are both in their mid 40's. She has her own home, he was renting but the tenancy was due to expire as the landlord was selling the flat so he was going to move into his parents who live a few hundred miles away. I'm so happy to hear a positive story, congratulations :)

@MsMarch I've never even thought about the money side of things, I'm not sure what hes contributing to be honest. I was more focused on her getting hurt than the cost of things.

The child living at home is nearly 18 and about to move out pretty soon.

The house he was renting was up for sale and was sold quicker than they thought it would be so he was given the time it took for the solicitors to sell it unfortunately.

I will have a word with her about the cost of things as this has worried me now. Maybe setting up an agreement where he signs to say that the house is not his as I know she has paid off most of the mortgage on her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 13:11

@Doggiedoodoos Nearly 18 and my friend knew this guy well before they started seeing each other so he already knew her kids, family and some friends before they got together. I've met him well before they got together and thought he was a decent guy, no crazy ex's, own business, good morals etc but I'm now worried about her heart and her finances.

OP posts:
LovelaceBiggWither · 03/10/2022 13:12

My DH moved in 3 weeks after we got together. 35 years later, we are still married. He also couldn't find anywhere to live but I don't think he looked all that hard.

MsMarch · 03/10/2022 13:16

I think a casual word re costs is probably all that's needed right now. Best case - it's all sorted, he's paying his way and she's looking forward to a lovely life with him once her last DC is out of the house. Worst case - he's a cocklodger and is paying nothing because (and this is the most common one): "It doesn't cost any extra to have him here" and THAT is a massive red flag.

Edinvillian · 03/10/2022 13:28

When I was 21 my BF moved in with me after about 1 month. We've been together 24 years now so it can sometimes work out.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/10/2022 13:51

I have two friends whose boyfriends moved in with. Both guys were 'artists', both women owned their own place. These men had managed to reach their fifties without making any financial provision for themselves and were delighted to find a woman to live with rent free and ultimately to leach off their pensions.

LuciaPopp · 03/10/2022 14:11

I moved in with my husband after 2 weeks. We've been married two decades.

He might be a cocklodger, he might not be. I think all you can do is be there for your friend. I wouldn't say anything more (unless she's especially vulnerable)- her life her choice.

Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 15:31

@MsMarch This is my worry as she did say to me a few weeks ago that it doesnt cost anymore for him to be there as the heating, TV etc are already on weather he is there or not but I didnt take much notice of that comment until I've read these replies.

It is lovely to hear some really positive stories from similar situations though.

OP posts:
Addicted2LoveIsland · 03/10/2022 15:35

It's absolutely none of your business or anyone else's how she decides to run her life.
We don't know his previous living situation to judge. With the cost of living crisis it may make sense. Also of he was there most nights anyway it may make sense.

Everyone has their own pace and there is no fixed formula for things to work. It could work beautifully or it could fail. It could fail if they waited 3 years to move in.

I think you are way too involved OP.

Just be her friend and be supportive no matter what.