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Original poster

Friends BF moved in after 3 months

44 replies

subolooo · 03/10/2022 10:26

I know this is nothing to do with me but I'm a little bit concerned about one of my friends. She has been seeing a guy for the past 3 months. They spend a lot of time together and get on amazingly, in fact I've never seen her so happy and he really does seem very genuine. However, he has moved in with her last week and I feel its far too early for the both of them.

I did speak to her and ask if it was the right thing to do so early on and she told me that there wasnt much choice right now as his tenancy was up and he has nowhere else to go right now. I'm not sure if it was even discussed at length or weather it was a case of "well you're staying here a lot why not just stay permanently".

I know theres nothing I can do or say to her, I'm just a bit concerned that she is going to get hurt once they do get to know each other due to living together.

OP posts:
Original poster
subolooo · 03/10/2022 15:42

@Addicted2LoveIsland Yes I'm aware its none of my business as the very first line of the post says. I'm just very concerned about my friend, I'd be a shitty friend if I wasnt to be fair. I'm actually not involved at all, just on the sidelines hoping it goes well for her.

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 03/10/2022 17:04

My DH moved in after 4 months. Now married with kids in a house we got together.
He signed an agreement though that he had no interest and wasn't getting any interest in my house unless we married (I knew it'd be void then anyway). He paid his way, 1/2 of everything. He also paid for work done on the house which was very trusting of him.
I think the telling feature is if he pays his way and is happy to put in writing his contribution isn't getting him any equity etc.

Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 08:27

@cupofdecaf I'm so happy it worked out for you :)

I had a chat with my friend last night and she told me that her DP wasnt paying anything towards the house as she had insisted that he needed to get back on his feet and get sorted before paying anything. I asked how he could have afforded his rent and other bills previously if he cant afford to pay her now and she told me that he had been borrowing from his business account and his business is in trouble financially so he can no longer do that as he may well be loosing his business. THIS has made me even more worried. The only thing I said to her was I'd support her and I hope it all works out well for her but now I'm so much more worried.

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 04/10/2022 08:31

subolooo · 04/10/2022 08:27

@cupofdecaf I'm so happy it worked out for you :)

I had a chat with my friend last night and she told me that her DP wasnt paying anything towards the house as she had insisted that he needed to get back on his feet and get sorted before paying anything. I asked how he could have afforded his rent and other bills previously if he cant afford to pay her now and she told me that he had been borrowing from his business account and his business is in trouble financially so he can no longer do that as he may well be loosing his business. THIS has made me even more worried. The only thing I said to her was I'd support her and I hope it all works out well for her but now I'm so much more worried.

Well he's a cocklodger then. Clear cut.

MsMarch · 04/10/2022 10:15

Oh god. I'm sorry to hear this. I mean, I'd like to believe he's not a complete tosser, but it's hard.

I will say that when DH and I first got together and then moved in together, he paid relatively low amount compared to me - I earned then, as I do now, many times what he did. But he has always been a partner in that the money was less of an issue because he pulls his weight and in fact, he became a SAHD for a while too. So if he's living in her house rent free but is genuinely not just sitting around eating her food and expecting to be waited on hand and foot, it might not be the worst thing.

But I'm afraid to say I am suspicious.

Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 10:16

@cupofdecaf And that was my worry. I need to let her get on with this and hope it doesnt end in misery for her but as a friend I'm not sure I can stand by and watch this happen. She's all loved up and hangs on his every word and I'm so scared for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 10:17

@MsMarch I am also very suspicious now I've spoken with her and she's freely admitted he's not paying anything at all towards household bills, or even food from what I can gather but I may be wrong there.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 04/10/2022 10:37

subolooo · 04/10/2022 10:17

@MsMarch I am also very suspicious now I've spoken with her and she's freely admitted he's not paying anything at all towards household bills, or even food from what I can gather but I may be wrong there.

At the very least, perhaps you can encourage her to see that she should not be out of pocket in any way with him moving in. eg food - feeding two really IS more expensive - so if he can contribute to that at least.

Perhaps practice a few jokey yet pointed comments, "ooh, I hope he cooks dinner every night and cleans up because your' so good to him" or whatever.

But the reality is that these men convince these women that they are "saving them", and so very quickly, he'll be sitting on a nice little pile of cash and/or living a lovely little life, while she will be getting poorer and poorer.

I wish I could be less cynical. But I've seen it too often in both real life and on MN.

MsMarch · 04/10/2022 10:49

Sorry to keep banging on about this, I know you're already worried. When DH and were getting serious but before we moved in together, he insisted on buying me a pair of boots I wanted. I only discovered years later that he literally spent his last £100 on those boots. He had no money, but he ALWAYS prioritised me. So your friend might have one like DH if she's lucky.

Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 11:47

@MsMarch I did make a comment a few weeks back about him taking her out for a meal and said "I hope its not just a Greggs" and she actually said he cant afford much more then changed the subject so I dont even know if thats what happened. I know they had an argument last week and he sent her a massive bunch of very expensive flowers as an apology saying he was stressed and he took full responsibility for the argument. I'm sure she would have appreciated the money instead of the flowers though.

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 04/10/2022 11:54

subolooo · 04/10/2022 11:47

@MsMarch I did make a comment a few weeks back about him taking her out for a meal and said "I hope its not just a Greggs" and she actually said he cant afford much more then changed the subject so I dont even know if thats what happened. I know they had an argument last week and he sent her a massive bunch of very expensive flowers as an apology saying he was stressed and he took full responsibility for the argument. I'm sure she would have appreciated the money instead of the flowers though.

If she doesn't mind paying and he can't afford anything, that's fine. But is he also leaving her to do the cooking, cleaning, organising etc? Does he proactively enjoy spending time together - whether that's taking (free) walks or watching (free) movies at home? Is he supportive of her when she's had a bad day or is struggling with work? Does he, overall, make her life better and easier? Because if not, there's a problem. If he does, great - the money isn't a problem.

Aprilx · 04/10/2022 11:56

Why are you worried about her getting hurt? Maybe he will get hurt. I could understand if you were worried that it wasn’t fair on the children, but I would presume your friend is no more likely to get hurt than anyone else and no less able to deal with it if she is.

And another one, my now husband moved in with me after a couple of weeks, if that. Now together almost twenty years.

Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 12:53

@NotLactoseFree I'm just worried he is using her as she has everything he doesnt, house, good job, money etc. They do spend time doing things together but it looks like its nearly always on his terms. For example, he has his own business and she tends to go with him to do pick ups and stuff so they can spend time together but its for his work so not really time spent doing something she wants to do.

All I can do is be there fore her and support her with whatever decision she makes. Theres so many lovely comments on here about moving in with DP's in such early days and its worked well, I hope thats the case here :)

OP posts:
FettleOfKish · 04/10/2022 13:05

Well first of all you're right and it's nothing to do with you, but I met my (now) DH December 2019. Three months later lockdown came in and as he was already staying at mine a lot he moved in 'for lockdown' and we've never looked back. We got engaged in 2021 and married this year. He's the best person I've ever met.

Slightly different situation in that he kept his own flat on for 3 or 4 months as a security measure should it not have worked out. I'm not sure I'd have been as comfortable if moving in with me was his only option, but I wouldn't necessarily worry about the timescale side of things.

Original poster
subolooo · 04/10/2022 13:31

@FettleOfKish I'm really pleased it worked out well for you, I just hope it does with my friend. I know its none of my business but selfishly I know I'll be the one picking up the pieces if he does turn out to be a 'cockblocker' and the more I hear from her the more I'm thinking he is unfortunately.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 04/10/2022 15:50

@subolooo I don't blame you for being concerned. And there are definitely lots of red flags. But there's not much you can do at this point except hope it turns out that it's more like the positive stories on this thread than the negative.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 04/10/2022 22:06

subolooo · 03/10/2022 15:42

@Addicted2LoveIsland Yes I'm aware its none of my business as the very first line of the post says. I'm just very concerned about my friend, I'd be a shitty friend if I wasnt to be fair. I'm actually not involved at all, just on the sidelines hoping it goes well for her.

As good as a friend as you think you are being, I think you're overly invested and worried. It isn't healthy. All you can do is be there for her. I'd be really annoyed my friend was this worried or running on to MN posting. I understand you are worried but in my opinion this is too much.
She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions.
Not sure what you posting on here will achieve as it is her situation and you can't really change her mind at this stage.

Original poster
subolooo · 07/10/2022 14:33

So a bit of an update. My friend came to me on Wednesday night in tears after yet another argument. She feelt she has made a mistake letting him move in with her so early on and I confessed I'd asked opinions of others due to how worried I was for her. I told her about the comments from those of you who have moved in with partners and lived happily ever after and that put her mind at rest a little bit. She got back home and her partner was out so she had the night to herself and realised how much she missed him and wanted him to stay. They had a talk yesterday and have decided to carry on living together and to look at it as a permanent arrangement and he has paid her some money towards the bills. So it all now looks very positive and they both seem to know where they are which is good.

I think the argument is what was needed for her to get her head around things and start asking questions. Also been told about great success stories on here has helped her loads too so thank you all for such great in put.

Also, she is very touched that I was concerned enough to ask others opinions. We have been friends since childhood and are so very close so for me to be worried about her is just second nature as she is with me at times too.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 07/10/2022 15:03

I want to feel happy for her that she feels happier but to be honest, the red flags are jumping out at me even more. She was on verge of kicking him out and... miraculously he found some money to contribute.

What were these arguments about anyway?

But hopefully I'm just being over cynical.

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