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Original poster

Lose weight to start dating?

45 replies

Singleasapringle · 03/10/2022 07:49

As above.. I've been single for a long time and not been on any dates etc because I've had some serious mental health issues and dating just hasn't been on my radar. Happily now out the other side of those and ready to start dating, but I've put a lot of weight on. My "normal" weight is curvy (never been a v slim person) - like a size 12-14. I'm currently a size 18 and do feel massive (no offense intended to anybody the same size - different people pull off weight differently and if you're happy at this size, that's great). Everyone I've spoke to IRL about this says I should just start dating and I'm just being paranoid people won't want to date me because of my size. I'm not fussed about the size of the person I date, personality is much more important. I'm 31 so conscious if I wait to lose weight that's probably the best part of a year gone. As daft as it sounds to say when single, I would love a husband and family and conscious there is a timeline for that. On the flipside I don't know if I'm going to be significantly reduce the pool of people willing to date me at this weight to the point where it's going to be much harder to find someone who I want to be in a serious relationship with. The other factor is I'm in a pretty small city so also concerned that if people reject me now (I'm thinking of dating sites) I might not have that many left to date when I do lose weight if they've already marked me down as a not interested (sounds crazy but I have seen the same names come up online a few times before- I'm not sure the pool of single men my age here is that big!). Thoughts? Honest opinions would be useful as I think everyone in real life is probably just going to say the politically correct/nice thing!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2022 10:55

Everyone will reduce their dating pool with something about their looks, personality, lifestyle or preferences - you just have to see it as being overweight is part of who you are at the moment and you want to meet somebody who likes or doesn’t mind that, rather than worrying whether or not more people would like you if you were something you aren’t. You’ve said yourself that size and looks aren’t your primary focus: unless you’re only searching out bronzed, toned Adonises, all of these men will have their own imperfections and bits of their bodies they aren’t confident about, as well.

Make sure you’ve got a good range of photos including full length ones. There are many men that aren't bothered about their partner’s size but they are bothered about being misled.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2022 11:07

Yes I would lose weight first but actually my main reason is because it you don’t feel comfortable and happy as you are then you won’t meet a decent person. Exercising and taking care of your nutrition will help with your mental health and get you into the right head space.

crochetmeahat · 03/10/2022 11:09

If you lose weight, meet someone you really like who's bothered about weight, then put it back on... where does that leave you?

meateatingveggie · 03/10/2022 11:10

Your weight sounds like it is affecting your confidence, so I would try and lose weight, feel better about yourself, for yourself.

You will (I know from experience) have a lot more choice in what to wear and feel good in, and it'll all help

Good luck OP.

SimoneSimone · 03/10/2022 11:12

Are you willing to date fat guys? If so, then you are good to go.

Treezylover · 03/10/2022 11:13

I went through this thought process but I deliberately didn’t wait until I’d lost weight, because the subtext to that is that you don’t feel deserving of love if you’re bigger. Any guy who you want to marry, you’d want to know that if you got bigger they’d love you because of who you are, not how you look.

bringincrazyback · 03/10/2022 11:17

SimoneSimone · 03/10/2022 11:12

Are you willing to date fat guys? If so, then you are good to go.

Nice.
Perhaps the OP isn't superficial or shallow and thus is indeed willing to date 'fat guys'.

bringincrazyback · 03/10/2022 11:17

Treezylover · 03/10/2022 11:13

I went through this thought process but I deliberately didn’t wait until I’d lost weight, because the subtext to that is that you don’t feel deserving of love if you’re bigger. Any guy who you want to marry, you’d want to know that if you got bigger they’d love you because of who you are, not how you look.

This.

GoogleUser · 03/10/2022 11:39

Don't put off dating. Life's too short. Instead, focus on getting to a weight you're happy with, whilst keeping an eye out for a partner in the real-world.
Join a gym, start jogging in a local park, walk a friend's dog or join a local book club, because you never know... you might meet your perfect partner on your self-improvement journey. If not, then OLD will always be there for you when you're happier with weight.

H112 · 03/10/2022 11:55

No put yourself out there now and also remember if you aren't happy now at size 18 there will still be something wrong when you're a 12

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2022 12:02

H112 · 03/10/2022 11:55

No put yourself out there now and also remember if you aren't happy now at size 18 there will still be something wrong when you're a 12

Sorry I completely disagree- everyone has a size that would make them unhappy. The idea that if happy you’re happy at any size just isn’t true. Piling on weight is not a sign of happiness, nor is a plummeting weight.
The OP has stated this isn’t her usual size, and she’s not happy with it.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 03/10/2022 12:07

I feel exactly the same OP, and I’ve now been single for 3 years because try as I might I just can’t seem to find the discipline or headspace to lose the weight. I think you should just go for it!

SallyWD · 03/10/2022 12:13

bringincrazyback · 03/10/2022 11:17

Nice.
Perhaps the OP isn't superficial or shallow and thus is indeed willing to date 'fat guys'.

Show quote history

It's not about being superficial or shallow. If I was looking for someone to start a family with I might well be put off a man who is significantly overweight. My own Dh is a little overweight (BMI 27) so don't think I'm a body fascist who is only concerned with looks. However, if someone is obese I would worry about their future health. Would they be able to keep up with small kids, do they have a great risk of developing health problems? If you're potentially going to spend the rest of your life with someone and create a family together, I think it's perfectly reasonable that you'd want them to be healthy.

yougotthelook · 03/10/2022 12:13

Singleasapringle · 03/10/2022 07:49

As above.. I've been single for a long time and not been on any dates etc because I've had some serious mental health issues and dating just hasn't been on my radar. Happily now out the other side of those and ready to start dating, but I've put a lot of weight on. My "normal" weight is curvy (never been a v slim person) - like a size 12-14. I'm currently a size 18 and do feel massive (no offense intended to anybody the same size - different people pull off weight differently and if you're happy at this size, that's great). Everyone I've spoke to IRL about this says I should just start dating and I'm just being paranoid people won't want to date me because of my size. I'm not fussed about the size of the person I date, personality is much more important. I'm 31 so conscious if I wait to lose weight that's probably the best part of a year gone. As daft as it sounds to say when single, I would love a husband and family and conscious there is a timeline for that. On the flipside I don't know if I'm going to be significantly reduce the pool of people willing to date me at this weight to the point where it's going to be much harder to find someone who I want to be in a serious relationship with. The other factor is I'm in a pretty small city so also concerned that if people reject me now (I'm thinking of dating sites) I might not have that many left to date when I do lose weight if they've already marked me down as a not interested (sounds crazy but I have seen the same names come up online a few times before- I'm not sure the pool of single men my age here is that big!). Thoughts? Honest opinions would be useful as I think everyone in real life is probably just going to say the politically correct/nice thing!

Definitely lose some weight!
I lost 3 stone (in 3 months) before I started dating and it made a MASSIVE difference to my confidence xxx

SpinningFloppa · 03/10/2022 12:14

I’m overweight and I will not date until I’ve lost weight I want to feel confident and good about myself before I start dating

LuciaPopp · 03/10/2022 12:24

Nothing contributes to not losing weight more than sitting at home waiting to lose weight before you start doing all the things you want to do. Getting out and about and doing what you want is good both in itself and as a weight loss strategy.

Possibly it will reduce the pool of potential partners when you start out- who cares? It will be more people than you'd meet by not dating. I'm very much in favour of doing things now, not at some future date which may never come.

Mermaidwaves · 03/10/2022 12:33

I saw a comment above about only attracting fat men if you're fat yourself, not necessarily true! I'm much bigger than the OP and I always seem to attract skinny men much smaller than me! Theres no hard and fast rule about dating as a bigger woman, there will always be men although admittedly a fewer number who are attracted to bigger women.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:45

If you want a relationship with a man whose reason for being with you isn't 'She's got a slim body', then why would this matter? Being overweight will help you, in fact: it'll filter out all the superficial prats who are looking for a traditional, slim trophy on their arm.

Don't you want a decent bloke who looks beyond weight? Or would you prefer to lose weight, and then meet a man who might drop you if you put a few pounds back on?

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:46

I also meant to add that this is you looking for the man you want, not you trying to be the woman some bloke wants.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2022 12:48

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:45

If you want a relationship with a man whose reason for being with you isn't 'She's got a slim body', then why would this matter? Being overweight will help you, in fact: it'll filter out all the superficial prats who are looking for a traditional, slim trophy on their arm.

Don't you want a decent bloke who looks beyond weight? Or would you prefer to lose weight, and then meet a man who might drop you if you put a few pounds back on?

That’s not fair. I’m not superficial but I’m not physically attracted to overweight men. That’s not to say I wouldn’t still fancy by DH if he put on excess weight.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:50

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Yes, but you're already married, rather than at the initial stages of the dating process. OP is filtering, you've already chosen.

SNWannabe · 03/10/2022 12:52

I had just started a slimming class when I met my now DH, I think id lost around 6-8 pounds at that point. We met and then didn't see each other for a good few months due to distance and we built up a LDR then, and I continued at my slimming club. When we did meet up again, I was nearly 2 stones lighter than I had been when we first met. I felt better, more attractive and confident.
He didn't notice.

He was attracted to ME. Not my body, ME. Your weight is not your worth, your body is just what houses you...not what defines you.

By all means embark on your slimming journey, but don't let your weight dictate your life...get out there and meet people.If they reject you as too fat then good riddance to them anyway, superficial twats.

PorridgewithQuark · 03/10/2022 12:54

Honestly it depends upon how much it's impacting upon your self esteem, as whatever people say if given a check-list of things that put them off potential partners, it's actually not that simple.

I've noticed that some people get described as overweight and some as slim (or weight not mentioned) when they're all objectively probably similarly slightly but not particularly overweight.

If you're feeling not great about yourself then get out for an hour's walk every day and give up processed sugar for five or six months and start dating apps in early spring, regardless of how much weight you've lost. Maybe, if you start to feel good about yourself (and are getting out and about more), you'll happen to meet someone "in real life" before that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2022 12:54

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 12:50

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Yes, but you're already married, rather than at the initial stages of the dating process. OP is filtering, you've already chosen.

Yes but my point is people have a physical preference when initially dating. Not initially fancying a size 18 + doesn’t make you superficial.

Pushyoupullme · 03/10/2022 12:55

Nah just start dating and continue to work on your weight and all around wellbeing, IMO. Life's too short. Overweight people find partners, get married, have babies etc. all the time. 😉

I would say though, it sounds as though you are wanting to continue to improve your fitness and lose some weight and generally be mentally and physically healthy. So try not to date someone who is likely to take you in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean anything about their body type or whether they are into losing weight or into fitness themselves or not, but to avoid a particular type of person who will encourage you to eat more than you want to or different foods to what you really want for your long term health, to default to "a cosy night in" when really they should be encouraging you to go out on that run you wanted to do with your friend (or whatever), too much. Often by stealth and not on purpose. Or feel insecure if you lose weight, get fitter, or get more confident. And just generally undermine you. Avoid these types.