Lose weight to start dating?

[Singleasapringle]

As above.. I've been single for a long time and not been on any dates etc because I've had some serious mental health issues and dating just hasn't been on my radar. Happily now out the other side of those and ready to start dating, but I've put a lot of weight on. My "normal" weight is curvy (never been a v slim person) - like a size 12-14. I'm currently a size 18 and do feel massive (no offense intended to anybody the same size - different people pull off weight differently and if you're happy at this size, that's great). Everyone I've spoke to IRL about this says I should just start dating and I'm just being paranoid people won't want to date me because of my size. I'm not fussed about the size of the person I date, personality is much more important. I'm 31 so conscious if I wait to lose weight that's probably the best part of a year gone. As daft as it sounds to say when single, I would love a husband and family and conscious there is a timeline for that. On the flipside I don't know if I'm going to be significantly reduce the pool of people willing to date me at this weight to the point where it's going to be much harder to find someone who I want to be in a serious relationship with. The other factor is I'm in a pretty small city so also concerned that if people reject me now (I'm thinking of dating sites) I might not have that many left to date when I do lose weight if they've already marked me down as a not interested (sounds crazy but I have seen the same names come up online a few times before- I'm not sure the pool of single men my age here is that big!). Thoughts? Honest opinions would be useful as I think everyone in real life is probably just going to say the politically correct/nice thing!

everyone has a size that would make them unhappy

My weight goes up and down (more up than down) due to a medical condition and medication. While I feel better when I am somewhat lighter, or if not lighter at least getting out and getting fitter, being more overweight at times doesn't actually make me unhappy. Plenty of other things do, but not that. It's a state of mind. You can be concerned and want to change a status quo without being actively unhappy about it.

My point is that it's a useful, gross filter, not that I'm calling you superficial. If she finds someone who fancies her when overweight, it's not something she's going to have to worry about down the line. I think you might fancy your husband slightly more with a 6 pack, anyway, if you're honest. It doesn't make you superficial, it makes you human. We are biologically programmed to find fit people worthy of parenting our children, ie to want to have sex with them. Of course, many fall outside of this, again, gross filter, but there's a reason for our stereotypes.

I was in this position when I divorced my first husband. I started dating and dieting at the same time! They were a good mix - dates kept me focussed on getting ready/nice clothes, etc. And dieting kept me happy and positive with gym endorphins, etc.

I eventually met DH2 when I was a size 14, and kept dieting (for me) till I was a size 8. He loves me whatever I weigh.

Interestingly... during my life, my weight has fluctuated wildly. I definitely meet more interested men when I was skinny, but they weren't always nicer men. I think I met the nicest blokes when I was a size 12-14.

I started dating when I was a size or 2 bigger than I am now, my matches obviously liked my shape/size at the time, as equally as people matching with me do now. I'd say just go for it if you feel ready. Life is too short.

Are you seeing a counsellor, OP?

Your physical body will not limit you with dating - but the way you are thinking about it will, if it's affecting your confidence.

This is much more about your mental health and the way you view yourself than your physical appearance.

Work on your health and wellbeing, yes, of course - that's always a good thing to do at any size/ time of life!

But the idea that nobody will be interested in dating you as you are now is messed up, and it's to do with your emotional and mental health. So I recommend seeing a counsellor to explore that.

OLD is for a lot of people a cesspit of despair. I wouldn't be overly concerned about your weight: men will f**k anything with a pulse. As for a relationship, well that's going to be hard to find regardless of your weight.

I would say though, it sounds as though you are wanting to continue to improve your fitness and lose some weight and generally be mentally and physically healthy. So try not to date someone who is likely to take you in the opposite direction.

@Pushyoupullme makes a good point here OP. I agree that l life is too short, but if you're serious about wanting to get in shape then try to spend time with people who will support you in that.

You're cheerful.

Decent men won't fuck anything with a pulse, so, OP, filter out those who demonstrate in the early stages that they're not what you'd call decent, and you can remove this doom laden view. It's not hard, you just stop paying them attention, which takes no effort at all. You literally do nothing, as soon as someone speaks or acts questionably. There's definitely plenty of disrespectful people about, and people who are on dating sites because they're looking for sex, but it's essentially just a way to meet people. You can judge them as decent or not just like you would if you met them anywhere. I can see why Zonky hasn't had successful dates, with such a negative attitude. Luckily, her view isn't universal.

I think there's no point dating if you aren't happy with yourself. You want to put the best you out there. If you're conscious about your weight/size then you won't show the best you, same goes for if you aren't mentally feeling 100%.

Yes you might well expand your dating pool by losing weight, however, it's not the best reason for losing weight, you are more likely to keep it off if you do it for yourself, not others. You don't have to hold off dating till you've lost weight, it's not mutually exclusive. Work on both at the same time, otherwise, what do you intend, are you just aiming to lose weight till you've found someone then mission accomplished so stop? That's not the way to go about it, and you'll just end up worrying if someone is still as attracted when the pounds come back.
Lose weight by all means to feel fitter and healthier in yourself, find it easier to get and cope with a future pregnancy, or, as I am, staving off older age in a 'use it or lose it' way. But if its purely to increase the pool and none of the above reasons encourage you, it's not likely you'll stick at it.

Most of us have parts of ourselves we're not happy with. The key is accepting that we are still lovable, not in making ourselves into our own version of perfection.

If we didn't date until we were happy with ourselves, most of us would never date/have dated.

A size shouldn't get in the way of a shag.

Thanks, a lot of helpful advice!

To answer a couple of questions, I will be trying to lose weight irrespective of the dating situation. All my clothes are the wrong size, and I'm not happy in this body. When I'm myself I'm quite active and enjoy hiking etc, and I would feel much better being smaller and fitter again. So whilst dating is one motivation to lose weight, its just one among many, and not even one of the top one tbh.

I am still seeing a psychologist for various reasons, but self esteem is in the mix.

Leaning towards putting some feelers out just now at least and seeing what happens, and then I'll maybe make a more concentrated effort once I lost the weight if nothing has yet.

It sounds like you’re being quite sensible tbh. I started OLD not at my happy weight (roughy 2st more than I am now) and I met nice guys where we really got on and whilst I wasn’t entirely happy with my weight I still had a good time. What it did do was help with losing weight. There’s nothing like the prospect of getting naked with a man you like to focus the mind and I’m sure that works both ways. We are all human and we all want to feel good about our bodies whatever they are like. I know for sure that dating wasn’t my sole reason to get back to my normal, so as long as your not losing weight FOR a man and actually still for yourself then it’s fine. Basically aim for nice guys irrespective (and they do exists on OLD) and do the weight loss for you and only to the level that YOU are happy with, not some fucker who tries to determine what is sexy. Good luck, I hope you get great sex, connection and and happy shopping! When you are picking the size clothes when you feel your best shopping for clothes is as good as any initial OLD experience and if the two are hand in hand it’s a winner 😂

How do you aim for nice guys? You can only go by what they tell you... there's very little way of validating anything on there. Most men can appear nice in order to get laid (plenty of them lie and cheat) and are very very good at covering their tracks...

I’d probably give myself a couple of months and really go for it weight loss wise. This will then fill you with confidence and attract more dates. Good luck

Lose weight to feel more confident in yourself, confidence is key for dating. You won’t truly enjoy it if you’re sat there feeling insecure. It doesn’t take that long to drop a stone or two - especially if it’s there to lose! The best time to start is now, the time will pass anyway. Good luck ☺️

I would
mainly because the exercise process to lose some weight will boost your mental health even further
Datings a bit brutal
feeling strong 💪 will help

@xfan i make sure my pictures are not at all sexy, filtered etc, I’m honest and not flirty in my bio and I use my gut feel when looking through profiles. Make sure to chat in the app for a while and usually the dodgy ones show their hand pretty fast. If they actually chat to get to know you and don’t ask what your looking for too soon and promise not to send you a dick pic then they make it into WhatsApp. I’ve not got a huge amount of experience but it’s been relatively ok so far. Obviously there are loads of sex obsessed weirdo types but I just say I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for and goodbye 😂 I can’t help being polite even to the idiots!