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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he intentionally do things to hurt me - birthdays ruined for me.

27 replies

zeldacelestia · 02/10/2022 19:56

i absolutely adore/adored him at one point in my life. It sounds pathetic but I don’t have many friends and a horrendous mental health history so I was so pleased to have found someone that actually had something in common with me, and said they loved me. We are constantly on/off

When I was younger an ex boyfriend broke up with me the night before my birthday and threw me out of the house. It was 7 years ago and it still makes me hate birthdays.

Well, the first year me and current boyfriend were together I confided in him that it was the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me. A few months later, the night before my birthday he ended the relationship. It was over an argument about me having to wait 2 hours in his car for him to finish talking to his friend at work. He said I was selfish and sulked for a week, met up with me in person the night before my birthday and said he needed to “protect” himself from me. He then sent a message on my birthday saying he wished me the best and the best year.

I ended up taking him back and ever since he finds a way to ignore my birthday - either working away, saying it a few days later or just giving me a gift months later and saying it’s for my birthday.

I’ve had enough this week and blocked him without explaining why - am I being manipulative? Childish?

I just can’t cope with feeling like this anymore and he always finds a way to talk me back round into staying

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 02/10/2022 19:58

He's doing this deliberately - keep him blocked!

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 02/10/2022 19:59

You've done the right thing

user443741922 · 02/10/2022 20:02

Absolutely not being childish at all.

He is using the information you told him against you and to hurt you.

Stay strong. He is doing this intentionally to hurt you. Move on and put yourself first!

nilpois · 02/10/2022 20:09

Please don't tolerate this behaviour.
Get rid of this person.

Chicheguevara · 02/10/2022 20:14

He is a manipulative tosspot. Keep him blocked. It’s him, not you and you deserve better. Men that play head games need a good kick up the backside. They are not all like that.

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 20:14

Yep he’s doing it deliberately and using it as a way to hurt you as you’ve told him it hurt you in the past. It’s a form of emotional abuse so keep him blocked and don’t go back

Original poster
zeldacelestia · 02/10/2022 20:16

It’s so heartbreaking. It took a lot to tell him about this.

i also told him that my ex boyfriend would regularly goad me and tell me I was lying about previous sexual assault. He said he was a twat and a misogynist.

A year later he told me that he felt like he needed a “signed contract” to sleep with me again because when we broke up the first time we continued to sleep together. When I asked where it was going I said “I don’t just want sex” - he said that made me feel like a predator

OP posts:
OldFan · 02/10/2022 20:17

He wants to hurt you more than your ex, as an ego boost.

Yep, keep him blocked for sure.

Bouledeneige · 02/10/2022 20:20

OP he's nasty and manipulative. He's doing it deliberately to show you he doesn't care. Move on. He's worth exactly nothing.

And for relationships in the future be careful who you tell about the nastiness of previous boyfriends - a narcissist will use it against you. And hold them to the standards you'd expect from a really close friend.

Mumofnarnia · 02/10/2022 20:22

zeldacelestia · 02/10/2022 20:16

It’s so heartbreaking. It took a lot to tell him about this.

i also told him that my ex boyfriend would regularly goad me and tell me I was lying about previous sexual assault. He said he was a twat and a misogynist.

A year later he told me that he felt like he needed a “signed contract” to sleep with me again because when we broke up the first time we continued to sleep together. When I asked where it was going I said “I don’t just want sex” - he said that made me feel like a predator

He’s being manipulative! He will only get worse. Next time he says something hurtful just act as if it doesn’t bother you and just say “whatever”!

Dery · 02/10/2022 20:25

“OP he's nasty and manipulative. He's doing it deliberately to show you he doesn't care. Move on. He's worth exactly nothing.

And for relationships in the future be careful who you tell about the nastiness of previous boyfriends - a narcissist will use it against you. And hold them to the standards you'd expect from a really close friend”

This with bells on.

Original poster
zeldacelestia · 02/10/2022 20:25

Bouledeneige · 02/10/2022 20:20

OP he's nasty and manipulative. He's doing it deliberately to show you he doesn't care. Move on. He's worth exactly nothing.

And for relationships in the future be careful who you tell about the nastiness of previous boyfriends - a narcissist will use it against you. And hold them to the standards you'd expect from a really close friend.

i just don’t know why I haven’t cut him off before. He gives me the silent treatment when I’m unwell - I was post-surgery and he didn’t speak to me for days

OP posts:
category12 · 02/10/2022 20:33

As Dery says, be very careful about sharing your history with boyfriends/partners - the bad guys will weaponise it against you.

You might want to look into doing the freedom programme, as this guy sounds like he was emotionally abusive, and that can really mess up your boundaries and make you vulnerable to ending up in further abusive relationships.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 02/10/2022 20:53

My exh ruined my 40th birthday. He was and exh before I was 41.
Seek therapy for this self destruction op.
And Ltb for good.

Redqueenheart · 02/10/2022 20:59

You need to cut this guy off for good, he is scum.

If you can ask your GP to refer you for some counselling to help you as well because it seems that you are trapped into a pattern of toxic relationships with abusive men.

A therapist can help you with boundaries and working on your self-esteem.

Sometimes you can access counselling through charities like Mind too.

There are way too many men out there who prey on vulnerable women and exploit any previous history of abuse. You need to be better equipped to spot them early on and counselling will help with that.

Hesleepswiththefishes · 02/10/2022 21:02

This is so spiteful and downright nasty ☹️

GCAcademic · 02/10/2022 21:03

OldFan · 02/10/2022 20:17

He wants to hurt you more than your ex, as an ego boost.

Yep, keep him blocked for sure.

This. He wants the power to hurt you that your ex had.

What a piece of shit.

Do NOT unblock him.

Original poster
zeldacelestia · 02/10/2022 21:44

Redqueenheart · 02/10/2022 20:59

You need to cut this guy off for good, he is scum.

If you can ask your GP to refer you for some counselling to help you as well because it seems that you are trapped into a pattern of toxic relationships with abusive men.

A therapist can help you with boundaries and working on your self-esteem.

Sometimes you can access counselling through charities like Mind too.

There are way too many men out there who prey on vulnerable women and exploit any previous history of abuse. You need to be better equipped to spot them early on and counselling will help with that.

I’ve had countless therapists and they’ve all just concluded I’ve got low self esteem… I’ve tried everything to work on it. My childhood was pretty shit and I just never learnt anything but hate for myself.

OP posts:
Laughingtherapy · 02/10/2022 21:59

He's an abuser, thats the sort of shit they do.

Yes, they want to hurt you.

It's who they are. Think - school bully. They may act like your friend from tine to time buy its all a big con on order to get you to trust them. Then they enjoy the fact when they hurt you, they have the added bonus of you wondering what happened, why they suddenly changed. They didn't. They were always a shit. They just font want you to know that.

Keep him out of your life. Betting he will try to come back at some point. When he thinks you are starting to bounce back from him probably. Or, when he feels you've been adequately punished for asserting your healthy boundaries (about not wanting to wait 2 hours in a car while he chatted to the colleague).

He's a bully. Remember that.
Stay away.

And don't date again until you truly like yourself. Until you can trust yourself to be your own champion. Otherwise, you'll just attract similar users and abusers. Find your self love.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 22:45

Well done.

Keep him blocked.

Please stop telling ANY men your most private hurts, you are asking to be abused by them.

Keep your private information to yourself.
It is no one's business but yours.

Oversharing is the road to being hurt deepest.

He is absolutely trying to hurt you.

Keep him blocked.

MrsKippling · 02/10/2022 23:02

Keep him blocked! I could have written this a few years ago. Anytime it was my birthday, Christmas, anniversary or even if I was just looking forward to a night out or something my ex would kick off, cause some drama and just ensure that I couldn't enjoy the day.

Textbook narcissist behaviour. I've had years of councilling and found that I seem to attract them because of poor self esteem and attachment issues, which is actually fairly common apparently.

I've read back your responses and it sounds like you are quite similar to me. I just had to comment to reassure you that it can get better, you just have to rip off the bandaid.

I was lucky my ex found a new victim and dropped me. I wasted 10 years putting myself last because I held on to the person he was in the beginning. Now I finally realise that person was never real and I just clung on to stability. I had threads on here when he left and I read them back now and again and don't recognise myself.

I am now 3 years on and my life couldn't be more different, my current partner treats me like a human and I've finally learned to set some boundaries in my life. I wish you so much luck, you've made the first step now you have to stick with it. You got this @zeldacelestia

Musti · 02/10/2022 23:21

The man hates you and wants to hurt you

Delilahonabike · 02/10/2022 23:39

Bloody well done for blocking him OP, if you get any urges to unblock make sure you come back here so we can talk you out of it! I'll let you into a secret about self esteem, it's a matter of 'faking it til you make it'. So basically when faced with a decision or situation you think 'what would someone with good self esteem do?' and then you do that. Over time you notice that people start to treat you better and with more respect (because you appear to have boundaries and self respect) and that in turn gives you confidence to keep doing it until eventually you genuinely do have good self esteem.

I agree with PP's about not making yourself vulnerable by sharing past abuse too, I recently told DH about something that happened to me in a previous relationship but we've been together 21 years and I trust him with my life. That's the level of care and protection you need to be showing yourself, people need to earn your trust because you are precious, don't waste it on people who haven't put the time and effort into showing they are worthy of it Flowers

Ithurtbad · 03/10/2022 01:02

He just doesn't care about you and is using you when it suits him. He definitely doesn't respect you at all.

So you keep him blocked and try to move on. You deserve so much better than this.

GoogleUser · 03/10/2022 05:36

You say you have low self-esteem, but you've done a wonderfully strong thing for yourself in blocking him, which screams to me that you're starting to value yourself, set boundaries and heighten your awareness of how to look after your well-being. Be proud of what you've done... your self-esteem should be a lot higher now you've made this brave decision to block him. Nobody has the right to disrespect you, like this man has done. Continue to ignore him and focus on yourself... introduce self-care and higher expectations. You matter so much.
Going forward, think carefully about who gets to know such intimate details about the past abuse you've experienced, as some people will use it against you. Not everyone deserves your trust. Stay strong, you're a brave person.