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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you found yourself single in your 40s…..

37 replies

WinneyWasherWoman · 02/10/2022 19:48

Were you pleasantly surprised or disappointed in the interest you got from decent men?

In my 20s when I was dating, I guess I had a pretty clear idea of what “league” I was in when it came to my attractiveness, as a whole package not just looks.

But now I wouldn’t have a clue.

OP posts:
MrsKaleidoscope · 04/10/2022 03:18

I was much more insecure (about my looks but more secure about everything else about me) in my early forties and a single parent than twenties or thirties, but I met my soulmate when I wasn’t even looking and we’ve been together 15 years. There’s a 20 year gap, so he was in his sixties, and had been single for over a decade, but we clicked immediately. Oh and the sex was (and still is) the best I’ve ever had.

Trez1510 · 04/10/2022 04:03

Married at 18, divorced at 42. Was astounded at the interest I received IRL - never tried OLD - because, although others have always assessed me as such, I have never considered myself to be attractive. Confident in who I am, my traits, my foibles etc., but never my physical appearance.

I spent a few of years dating three men - not simultaneously obviously. Two similar age to me, one about ten years older. As others have said, they were nice enough but not the entire package (for me).

Then dated someone from work - different division so not close colleagues. Despite being a powerful man in the workplace, outwith it he was a manchild, needy/clingy so speedily dispatched.

Took a couple of years out (for medical reasons) and then decided I should go down the fuck-buddy route with a younger man who had expressed an ardent interest! That was a weird experience and nowhere near as liberating as I'd expected - again with the clingy/needy attempts to move the boundaries of the relationship to something different.

During that phase, I met my current partner. Ditched the FB instantly.

Current partner is, for me, the complete package. He provides me with everything I want/need from a relationship, and he's equally happy with me.

The bizarre thing is although we were in the same year at school, have lived in the same city all of our lives, I could recall all of his schoolfriends and he could recall all of mine yet we could not recall each other! We like to say our standards have reduced with age. lol

The point is, as others have said, there are decent men out there - might take some time to find one, a bit of frog-kissing to be done, but they do exist!

Talon01 · 04/10/2022 07:27

WinneyWasherWoman · 03/10/2022 14:19

Interesting isn’t it. If a woman posts on here about a marriage that’s say lacking sex or something but not otherwise unpleasant she’s often told to end it. But seems like reality is she may end up single, or getting sex from dodgy men online but not meeting a decent man.

(caveat - appreciate if relationship abusive or absolutely terrible being single is a much better option. But if marriage is just unsatisfying I’ve seen women being told to leave, even though it could leave them much worse off in many respects)

I think the tables turn more towards men in their 40s. Obviously not the sex pests or hopeless types but those that are fit, healthy and have a bit about them like a decent job.

Can date casually in their 40s without really having to worry about whether it works out. I think generally speaking women are looking for more serious in their 40s and that's where the difference sometimes is.

I also think that if a man has been burnt in a long time relationship he's far less likely to commit seriously. Will be keep an eye on the exit should things start to go wrong and make sure he can do so relatively cleanly. Probably prepared to commit with the right person but not for the sake of it.

I do think in their 40s some women think that men will act like they did in their 20s and simply be grateful to be dating them. 'Being given a chance'. I think it comes as a bit of a shock when it doesn't play out that way.

Before anyone says I know women get plenty of attention regardless of age on the dating apps. I suppose it's more a quality not quantity thing.

containsnuts · 04/10/2022 07:49

"I've completely given up, accepted that I'm going to grow old alone, and make plans accordingly"

Same. I have a few single friends but only one is actively out dating. I can't think of anything worse at this stage of life. I want to be settled and if that means being settled on my own - so be it!

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 20:51

@Talon01 yes the tables are turned for men I think. They have far more women prepared to date them than we do, on the whole, if they are reasonably fit.

However unless we want just causal sex, men who want to treat us like a wank object before they’ve even met us is a way to weed out anyone who doesn’t want a relationship.

And even if I did want casual sex, I would find it a complete turn off to have sexual innuendos before meeting someone, it’s the equivalent of dogging but online!

Account392 · 04/10/2022 21:32

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HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/10/2022 22:40

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 02:18

I am reading with interest, although am early 50s! About to hit the single market whenever I can get regular childcare…

However it’s hard not to be cynical as the ‘fantastic man’ I met last time I dated turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing and I had my fingers burnt.

After a slow start I had a ball in my early 40s and found myself getting really attractive men of all ages, couldn’t believe it! I found loads of lovely men, it took a massive amount of effort on my part, I was super social. Just gutted the lovely man - intelligent, good looking, caring, kind, funny… was actually never off OLD even after we had a child… his midwife crisis didn’t stop with me unfortunately. He is well and truly after a woman much younger now… and I do feel quite left high and dry at the much harder age of 50.

Interesting to read, I’m 50 something male and had a similar experience in my 40s meeting a few lovely women to date, but moving into my 50’s has been a different experience, women in my age group are seemingly not interested ( in me at least), anymore, not sure if this a “me” thing, maybe I’m just not appealing or have anything interesting to offer to someone my age, or a location thing ( rural), or just that I’m a boring old fart.

Spaceprincess · 04/10/2022 22:57

I was single at 48, did OLD, had lots of matches with younger men and men my age. I was surprised at how much interest I got as thought I was past it.
Some respectful some awful.
I've been with lovely DP two years now, he's 19 years younger but never wants kids. We are really happy.

bonzaitree · 04/10/2022 23:15

I dated in my early 30s and got some attention from 45 ish year old men.

They all seemed a bit off. Too intense or grumpy. Cycling obsessed. All seemed to defo be interested because I was younger. V odd. I found someone my own age!

WalkthisWayUK · 05/10/2022 01:47

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow that sounds tough as well, thanks for making me thing it’s not just me! I don’t know if it’s just a strange 50s thing. It’s ok to be a bit boring in your 50s, much better than wanting to pretend you are 30!

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