What to make of someone saying this at the end of a relationship

[ConfusedHur]

After more than 4.5 years together, he said to me "Without sounding like a teenager, am I in love with you and have I ever been? No."

Completely floored me. Obviously the relationship ended then, this was a few months ago. But I still think about it and wonder:

1. Was he telling the truth and, if so, why waste your time and your partner's in a relationship for this long?

1. It's untrue but said to hurt me at the end?

Just find it hard to get my head around it, really, and it puts me off ever getting involved with anyone again because I feel how could I trust the person to be honest about their feelings. Also, this man was no teenager - he's many decades older with lots of previous relationships.

I'd be grateful for any opinions.

I was never in love with my ex however if he ever asked I wouldn’t tell him that, it would be hurtful. I would just tell him I did love him. No need to be cruel and hurt his feelings.

He either was so lacking in self awareness or he was an arsehole.

Either way you're well rid!!

How old are you? It's just that I think as we get older there isn't necessarily that first love / new to love / all consuming feeling you get the first time round? My marriage has just ended with my DH....been together nearly 20 years. had you asked me a year ago I would have said yes I did love him but now our marriage is over I wonder if I ever did? it's strange just the simple fact of knowing our relationship is over has made me look back and wonder if what I felt was actually love or something else?

After 4.5 years, whatever the truth he was deliberately trying to hurt you. Had he previously told you differently?

He's in his 50s and I'm early 40s.

After 4.5 years, whatever the truth he was deliberately trying to hurt you.

I agree. Even if he had sincerely come to this realisation, saying it to you achieved nothing but hurting you. Most of us would either say nothing or say "I did love you but now I don't."

@hugefanofcheese He said it very, very rarely. I'd told him first I loved him after about 9 months and he told me then "I'm not very good at saying that", but I thought he wouldn't be with me if he didn't.

I'm so sorry but he sounds like a complete prick and your way better off without him.

Yes, I do realise now that I'm better off without him. I felt used and discarded though so it has taken a while to come to terms with.

He probably is rewriting history for himself based on his current feelings, and did love you at some point.

Onwards and upwards OP (although of course you'll be upset for a while.) x

People can only say it if they really mean it. If he didn't say it, you shouldn't have assumed he did.

My exH said similar to me after 10 years of marriage and 2 DC. He was cheating and was all part of the standard script

I believe he did love me for most of the marriage apart from the last year or 2 when he met OW. It was easier to re-write history and pretend he was never happy than it was to admit the truth

This.

It's easy to forget the good once the bad has seeped in. It's like the saying (paraphrasing) that one criticism can erase a thousand compliments.

Perhaps he is incapable of loving anyone.

Sometimes men also want an easy way out so something like this will be "final" as it were. I once had someone tell me he was gay - he wasn't. Just cba to be a proper man.

@Surtsey Perhaps he is incapable of loving anyone.

From things he actually said to me about previous relationships, I actually believe this to be true.

What I would say is stop giving it headspace, he is living there rent free and you are wasting energy on this.

I wonder what you said back at the time?

Far too many women are nice about things as it’s conditioned in to them. I don’t fit that mould. When men have attempted to be condescending they get both barrels. But I have never given a shit what men think of me.

Were you really good to him? Because so many women bend over backwards to be accommodating and are very thoughtful. I behave probably more like a man as I’m very selfish and who wouldn’t like to be cared for.

he sounds emotionally constipated so very unlikely that even he has a clue what he meant. Just an extremely twattish thing to say, unnecessary and most likely untrue. I should think he has no idea what his feelings are, he sounds as emotionally intelligent as a flea. Well done for surviving him so long.

@BBBBMushroom What I said back at the time was I couldn't believe someone would stay with someone that long if they didn't have strong feelings, he said "I know". I said so what was I then, just a friend? He said I was more than a friend. I told him I felt used.

I'm not giving him lots of head space now, I feel I'm doing well, but what he said still enters my head at times. And yes, I was a people pleaser for a long time, but not any more, I've become stronger!

Things change, life moves on and mature people talk about it but many don't. Many men seem to struggle with shame and the pressure in society to be a good man and that hurts so there are a few simple strategies that they use. One is to rewrite history so they were never in love. Another one is that it is the wife/partner's fault they are unhappy. Or they find someone else and as love (lust) is the most important thing it is ok to go. All of these reduce the emotional pain that walking away from commitments bring and they can convince themselves that they are still good men. They think they are unique and special but it is amazing how often the leaving has one of those three in it. It's simple psychology but hard when you are in the middle of it.

It may be that your ex has alexithymia which is a condition where they have feelings but are unable to name them. This turns the first option into something more complicated as it might be that he struggles to identify what love feels like but oddly enough enjoys being in a relationship until it doesn't suit him anymore. Then the not being in love statement is more complex but would you want to be with someone who struggles to express emotion?

@mostlydrinkstea but would you want to be with someone who struggles to express emotion?

No, I wouldn't, and kicking myself really that I put up with his inability to discuss feelings and emotions for so long

This sounds so much like my ex.

A lot of men have a habit of rewriting history either to make themselves feel better or because they can only feel what they do in that moment. My own husband (who is a bit lacking in emotional intelligence) will say horrible things in the heat of the moment and I started taking him to task over it. Once during a row he told me that he'd never even liked me. My response was that if that was true then he had wasted nearly 20 years of his life with someone he didn't even like and I couldn't have any respect for someone who was such a fool and we might as well cut our losses and separate now. The backtracking was very rapid shall we say!

I'm guessing your partner feels he doesn't love you any more and can't be bothered to recall that he once did, or he's convinced himself that it's the easier way to end things because he won't have to deal with you asking when and why his feelings have changed.

Selfish and unnecessarily hurtful. Good riddance to him.

He's either telling the truth, which makes him look ridiculous, or he's lying deliberately to hurt you, which is nasty and spiteful. Either way, consider it a lucky escape- you're well rid.

I hope you've had no contact with him?

"Without sounding like a teenager"
Fully behaving like one I'd say.
OP you deserve more.