What to make of someone saying this at the end of a relationship

[ConfusedHur]

After more than 4.5 years together, he said to me "Without sounding like a teenager, am I in love with you and have I ever been? No."

Completely floored me. Obviously the relationship ended then, this was a few months ago. But I still think about it and wonder:

1. Was he telling the truth and, if so, why waste your time and your partner's in a relationship for this long?

1. It's untrue but said to hurt me at the end?

Just find it hard to get my head around it, really, and it puts me off ever getting involved with anyone again because I feel how could I trust the person to be honest about their feelings. Also, this man was no teenager - he's many decades older with lots of previous relationships.

I'd be grateful for any opinions.

What a selfish beast for using you for company and nothing more

This. My ex was a big fan of doing this.

he said to me "Without sounding like a teenager

Hm. Well, the shit's been shat on that one already, son.

"am I in love with you and have I ever been? No."

100% intended to hurt. So sorry OP, that's horrible after almost half a decade together.

I think you will, over time, have picked up flags that his emotional maturity and commitment wasn't where it should have been. It might not have flagged quite at the right time in this relationship, and you might not feel this way right now, but in all likelihood it'll fire up properly a lot sooner next time. Think of it as fine-tuning your Dickhead Radar.

I think it's important to recognise that there's no one firm definition of what 'in love' means, and that feelings/definitions of feelings change. So he could easily had a feeling he called 'in love' when you were together, but then one day realised that 'in love' meant something different to him, and told you he was never 'in love' with you according to his new understanding.

Given this, there's too many variables here for you to ever work out what he meant and how he felt. Your questions would be healthier if they were things like 'Why am I still spending my time thinking about his feelings rather than progressing with my own life?'

You're not in a relationship with him now. That's for the best, because nobody worthy of a relationship with you would be a person who could say what he said. So, nothing in your life now is about him/his feelings/his thoughts. It's all about you, now.

This.

Don't give him another seconds headspace. Find someone much nicer who isn't so ... well ... unkind. Or un-self aware. Or just plain stupid.

but I thought he wouldn't be with me if he didn't.

Big mistake. Hugh.

I'd say it's more about checking whether his actions are congruent with him caring about you and prioritising you over his own convenience. Especially when there are bad times. Anyone can be lovely in the east times, it's when bad things happen that you see the measure of the man.

Yes.
And feels frustrated by that so took it out on you.
Unfair and unnecessary, and I hope his behaviour makes it easier for you to accept that he’s no great loss.

@Scotcousin Zero contact. He said he'd like to be friends. I declined his offer, want nothing to do with him.

@NightmareSlashDelightful "I think you will, over time, have picked up flags that his emotional maturity and commitment wasn't where it should have been. "

Definitely this. I know he ended all his many previous relationships. Unfortunately I thought I was different. I can see now he could never talk about serious or emotional issues.

I'm by no means perfect and have my faults, but I've been trying to educate myself on what to be more aware of in the future.

He is a nasty twat. Onwards and upwards.

The “have I ever been” is deliberately nasty. Probably not true but even if it was, there is no reason to say that except to be cruel.

Glad you escaped!

So you think he's probably not capable of love, emotionally shut down and has ended lots of relationships. Likes to put the boot in at the end. Does he rate himself highly? I ask because he's ticking a few boxes there for narcissism.

@Choconut He does rate himself highly and everything he does/ has has to be best or better than anyone else. I have had a couple of sessions of therapy - which has been helping me - and she also suggested narcissism.

Glad to hear you've had no contact. Did he really expect you to be friends after what he said? Sounds like he's lacking in common sense and decency.

Well, I bumped into him this week at an event. He was a short distance away with mutual friends of ours. As we weren't too close, I gave a general wave and hello to the gang and they did the same back, except for him, he just stood and stared. I felt my greetings covered him also. My first time to see him but I felt I handled it well, even though my heart was racing. Can't believe he didn't give me a little wave even.

Sounds like you handled seeing him really well. Well done.
As for the comment you originally posted about, he sounds like the sort of person who spends a lot of time contemplating his navel and has a very high opinion of himself. He also sounds immature and to be honest, quite cruel. What a pity it has taken up so much headspace. To be honest, you will never understand what he really meant or why he said it, so please don't waste any more time trying. Reflect on the relationship by all means then get on with living your life. If and when you are ready to meet somebody else, I wish you a much happier ending.

Re reading your most recent post, he couldn't do anything but stand and stare because he wouldn't have been able to believe that you are still able to function perfectly normally without him. I bet he was kicking himself later that he handled it so badly.
You are the better person

Yes, he does have a high opinion of himself and none of his exes seemed to meet his high expectations - me included now.

I'm doing well now in not giving him too much headspace, it was just strange seeing him again

Well done on a dignified way to react. I can't believe this man is in his 50s. He may not like to sound like a teenager but sure acted like one in what he said to you.

It's strange to see someone you were intimate with react like you're a stranger.

This. I’ve been in long term relationships with partners who I was not “in love with”, did I told them that when I broke up with them? No way! It would have been incredibly cruel on my part. I told them “I no longer feel the passion” or something kind. I’m friends with most of them now. Being kind to the other person during a break up is the most honorable thing you can do if you care for that person.

OP: your ex is a massive tw-t. You don’t want to remain friends with this person.

Perhaps he doesn’t know what love is. Possibly lacking in people skills if he was being honest? Or he was trying to hurt you. Sometimes it best to not try and work it out.