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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drink driving with toddler

35 replies

Sophie0983 · 02/10/2022 14:48

Hi everyone, I need some advice for my next steps here & also want to know if I’ve got any of this wrong?

my partner drank from 2pm to 4:30 - 2 big bottles of beer so almost 2.5 pints. He drove my little one to the playground, came back and drank another big bottle of beer around 5:30pm. We then all met up for dinner at 7:30, where he then had a pint and a half. He then drove himself and toddler home.

I was none the wiser to what he had already drank whilst we were out until the next day I found all 3 beer bottle caps.

we have been in a serious car accident before where he was the driver & I am shocked and disappointed he would drive In this situation.

he says that the alcohol would’ve worn off by 7:30 so he could drink with his dinner but that seems off to me? Surely not?

I don’t know what to do. There’s no definitive answer on Google on how long alcohol stays in your system for.

all I know is that 3 big bottles of beer is the equivalent to a bottle of wine, and I certainly wouldn’t be driving my child around or myself for that matter after drinking a whole bottle, over 3/4 hours.

what do I do?

OP posts:
sqirrelfriends · 02/10/2022 14:51

I’d be fuming, drunk driving on your own is awful but with a child in the car is so much worse.

in terms of how long it takes to wear off, apparently most people metabolise a unit an hour. So 2.5 pints would take 5 hours.

sjxoxo · 02/10/2022 14:53

If he’s drink driving with your child in the car, you protect your child and do not allow them in the company of this person when they are drunk and you certainly don’t allow them unsupervised time together and absolutely not in the car. Are you still together?? If yes I suppose you need to do what necessary to protect your child. Does your partner have a drink problem? Or are you just worried they had a bit much on that occasion? If it’s the first, you need to decide where the line is for you… without ringing the bell of doom, how would you feel if there had been or was to be another accident and your dc was in the car? I would do what you need to, to be absolutely sure they are safe. Good luck to you xx

sjxoxo · 02/10/2022 14:54

To be honest, by doing this your partner is putting alcohol above the safety of your child.. so I would be inclined to think he has a problem. Xx

GyozaGuiting · 02/10/2022 14:55

Depending on percentage that could be as much be as 14 units in 5 hours! He’d be miles over the limit!

NC12345665 · 02/10/2022 15:01

I'd report him to the police and then never speak to the bastard again.

Darbs76 · 02/10/2022 15:04

What do you do? Stop him driving your toddler anywhere. He’s way over the limit and he knows it. Why is he drinking in the afternoon when caring for a toddler anyway?

I6344 · 02/10/2022 15:24

He not only could have killed/injured your child, but many other people if he had an accident. There is absolutely not excuse ever to drink and drive. He obviously has a drinking problem if he thinks this is normal behaviour. If he had been pulled over he would've been in serious trouble.
I couldn't love a man that put beer over my child's life. But it's tricky as if you did split, he would have time with your DC without you there and you'd never know if he was drinking.
I don't really know what I'd do, apart from go fucking mental at him and make him watch shows on YouTube where it shows car accidents after people have been drink driving

Original poster
Sophie0983 · 02/10/2022 15:27

Thank you for the responses so far 🙁

He has an alcoholic dad… so potential predisposition to alcohol being a problem.

he was drinking whilst with toddler as the football was on, and he always has a beer when the football is on (usually 2 big bottles maybe 3) but stays home. On this occasion he went out after.

I had to be out all day to take care of my brother , we went out for a family dinner which was all well and good until the next day I realised what else he had drank…

he seemed perfectly fine to drive, you would never know! Which is a double concern in itself as his tolerance is building.

last week he came home from work drinks in his car after 4 pints… said he was sorry and wouldn’t put himself in jeopardy again… but he has and this time with my baby in the car.

I love him but this is unacceptable

we have only just come out of a family wedding where his own father walked his daughter drunk down the aisle.

you would think he’d want to break the cycle but instead it seems he’s lost in it and headed in the same direction.

he has great job great prospects but this, it worries me sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie0983 · 02/10/2022 15:28

I should add…. I’m way too concerned about his behaviour with drink to leave and have him with toddler for half the week. He’s a good dad bar this and it would ruin everything we have. But that’s what alcohol does… argh! I’m lost.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 02/10/2022 16:20

He’s not a good dad. A good dad wouldn’t take that risk with their child. It’s not a great idea to spend the afternoon at home drinking when in charge of a child. What if your child needed to be taken to the hospital?

It’s sad that he has grown up with an alcoholic father and seems to be predisposed to do this as well. But you have to put the safety of your child first. No second chances as he will only do it again.

Thesearmsofmine · 02/10/2022 16:22

This would be a relationship ender for me. Alcohol is more important to him that the safety of your child and I would struggle to look at him in the same way again.

Pollydon · 02/10/2022 16:26

He needs to loose his licence before he kills someone.

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 02/10/2022 16:29

Why does the ‘he’s a good Dad’ line always get trotted out. We hold men at such a low bar.

TimBoothseyes · 02/10/2022 16:55

He’s a good dad bar this and it would ruin everything we have.

Not as much as killing someone - quite possibly your child - would though.

Playthegamebwah · 02/10/2022 17:01

I really feel for you op.

What would he say if you said going forward you weren’t happy with him drinking and driving on the same day, even if it was “just one” drink.

Could you do that rather both over analysing how much alcohol he may or may not have had driving yesterday?

romdowa · 02/10/2022 17:05

Risking the life you his child does not make him a good dad. Raise your standards a bit before you child ends up another statistic

AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 17:06

A drunk driver is a ''good dad'? A man who actively chooses to risk his kids life is a 'good dad'? That's disturbing. You need to drastically raise your standards since your kids life actually depends on it. The drink driver needs reported, he can't be trusted around the child, so you need to document what he's done so far.

ElizabethBest · 02/10/2022 17:14

report him to the police. In the long term, it’s for his own good.

AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 17:22

^ and the good of society, when he ends up killing someone at least your conscience can be a bit clearer knowing you reported him. Safeguard your kid.

novalia89 · 02/10/2022 17:30

They say a unit an hour, but there is no way that I would have 3 units over 3 hours or 5 units over 5 hours and the drive. That seems far too risky.

Toastoftheton · 02/10/2022 17:41

I was the child in this situation. It's very easy to say leave but very, very hard to do but you do need to. If he's at the stage where he's driving drunk with a toddler then he's probably done it before, it's always an escalation. My mother was a fantastic mum and thought she was protecting us and in many ways she was but it was still no way to grow up and no way for you to live. Please check out Al-anon and get yourself real life support to think through your options and make a plan.

Just to note he will make every promise under the sun and have a thousand clever reasons why you are blowing everything out of proportion or that it's your fault and you're making him drink, it's not you. To an extent it's not him either alcholism is a clever demon doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. You can't fix it or change it, only he can and he has to face the reality before he can do that, you aren't helping by staying.

wishing you all the luck!

StarDolphins · 02/10/2022 17:56

I would never ever drive my DD after drinking & I grew up with an alcoholic mother. even if he seems ok, he’s not. Also, a toddler is destructing enough.

Hold is he? It potentially could get worse if he’s young. I know people that drink & drive & they’ve definitely got worse as they’ve got older.

My Sister continually drink drive until she was caught & banned. It’s awful to put innocent lives at risk. I feel for you.

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/10/2022 18:07

According to this calculator he could have drunk up to 23 Units (3x 660ml bottles + 1.5 pints) depending on strength.
www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/unit-and-calorie-calculator

That's an astonishing amount of alcohol in a short time and the fact he doesn't show it does prove he's building up a major tolerance.

He clearly is minimising the fact he has a drink problem and it will be hard if not impossible to get him to agree to stop. Or more likely, he'll agree and then not be able to sustain that and start hiding it even more (he probably already does now)

You are right that leaving still means a risk he will drunk drive when he has your child on his own. You cannot trust him. You will have to find a way to legally prevent him having the child unsupervised unless he gets help and can prove he is not drinking.

But take it from the child of an alcoholic, you have to leave. As an adult I'm a nervous car passenger and don't enjoy driving at all. Childhood memories of driving in a tense, silent car with my mother speechless with fear as my drunk father drove us all home is not something easily forgotten, along with the terrible parental rows if she tried to get him to let her drive. Plus lets not forget the domestic violence that inevitably goes with most heavy drinkers. Go now, don't wait, protect your child.

Coffeesnob11 · 02/10/2022 18:15

I hate to worry you but the chances are he has drunk more than he said. People with alcohol problems always do and take a couple off when telling soneone else. You cannot let him drive or look after the kids alone. Maybe think about al anon sessions either onlone ir in person for yourself. Good luck it's so tough dealing with people and their alcohol addictions or dependency.

TwigTheWonderKid · 02/10/2022 18:17

This is not just about your toddler and your family. If he hits a pedestrian or a cyclist and kills them what about them and their family? Do you really want that on your conscience?