Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having a laugh at ex-friend

32 replies

Auguste · 01/10/2022 22:37

Sorry this will be long, not looking for advice, just sharing a story.

Met a mum in a playground just over 1 year ago. Out DDs (3 yo at the time) started playing with each other and we exchanged numbers and then had a few playdates over the summer in 2021.

My STBX husband is an ogler and a sleaze, can't help it. I invited this new friend and her family over to our house exactly 1 year ago. Our husbands met for the first time and I thought it was a nice idea to socialise with another family (we moved in our new house right before lockdown and didn't manage to make many friends by then).

I offered to make lunch (pizza - with home made dough) and so whilst I spent some time in the kitchen putting the oven on and getting the pizzas ready, the 3 of them were chatting in the living room. When I came back in the living room I could sense the atmosphere has changed and H and this woman were exchanging flirtatious glances. I felt sick to my stomach that this cretin of a H I was married to couldn't help doing it here, in our house, in front of this woman's husband. I know it was him starting it.

To cut a long story short, I came to MN for advice at the time and people suggested I should give her another chance and invite her again and see how things go then. We'll, I did. H was very excited they were coming and I could see it clearly when they were here that what I sensed the previous time was right. I never said or did anything that would give away the fact that I was aware of what was happening. They left and this woman never contacted me again. EVER. This was a woman who would text me almost on a daily basis, oversharing things, initiating playdates and so on. I never contacted her either.

Fast forward 11 months, I went to a playground today, half way between our house and theirs. We live about 4 miles away from them. I was in the sandpit with DD when I spoted a familiar face on the other side of it. And I realise it's her. Whilst all sorts of thoughts crossed my mind, whether to get DD and leave or sit here and wait for her to approach me, I could see her DH sat next to her and both of them whispering to each other and discreetly looking at me. Then 2 mins later I could see them grabbing their DD out of the sandpit and taking her to a different part of the playground. Then 5 mins later they took their DD, her husband holding their DD in his arms and her pushing the pram, rushing out of the playground. When they got out they were running as if they saw Satan. I mean, sad people!!! I laughed to myself to be honest and I keep wondering what could she possibly have told her DH to make him run out of the playground like that 😄. Sad sad people.

P.s. my STBX ended up assaulting me a few months ago and Police was involved. I couldn't wait to share this story with this woman and tell her he'll soon be divorced and available...if she wasn't so quick to leave.

OP posts:
Banrockmystation · 01/10/2022 22:57

Sorry but the way I read this makes me feel that they were uncomfortable with your ex (and therefore you) because of the way he conducted himself?
They obviously decided to rightly distance themselves from you both. It’s great you’ve managed to escape him but I’m not sure it’s anything to do with them, in fact I think they did kind of the right thing if a little clumsily?

Triffid1 · 01/10/2022 23:04

What @Banrockmystation said.

Original poster
Auguste · 01/10/2022 23:09

Banrockmystation · 01/10/2022 22:57

Sorry but the way I read this makes me feel that they were uncomfortable with your ex (and therefore you) because of the way he conducted himself?
They obviously decided to rightly distance themselves from you both. It’s great you’ve managed to escape him but I’m not sure it’s anything to do with them, in fact I think they did kind of the right thing if a little clumsily?

You are probably right, although we'll never know the truth. The fact is she was very flirtatious too, if she wasn't reciprocating my X would have given up quite quickly.

She kept texting and asking to meet after the first time she met Mr. Sleaze, so not sure what was different the second time. Second time she came all make-up, nice hair and fancy clothes, so she enjoyed the attention.

If it was me meeting a friend's sleazy husband I'd have had a different attitude, in fact I experienced that before and I kept the friend and completely ignored her H, now X.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 01/10/2022 23:25

Laughing at ex-friend? Telling when your H will soon WH available?….

Your post is very strange. You seem to think women are/were after your H just because they ‘flirted’ with him (once) and dressed nicely when coming to visit you.
While in reality - the woman most likely just politely played along to whatever conversation was happening. And just dressed the way she wanted to dress the second time around.
The fact that you think she was interested in your H based on these two interactions says more about your insecurities then about anything about her.

I am sorry about domestic abuse and your divorce. Hope it gets sorted soon.

SpinningFloppa · 02/10/2022 01:01

Confused 😕

aurynne · 02/10/2022 02:03

OP, I find it very concerning that you cannot see the more than likely reason this couple behaves like they do. Your Ex-H's influence in you is still, unfortunately, very patent.

it is obvious that the flirting and inappropriate behaviour all came from your Ex-H and made this poor woman so uncomfortable, that she must have told her DH about it (or even more likely, he noticed himself) and they have decided not to have any contact with you or your Ex-H or ever come to your house again, as they believed you were in collusion with this.

What I find even more concerning is not that you have bought into your Ex-H's view of the world - as in that "the woman was responding to his flirting, she must be as guilty as him", but that after finally getting rid of the piece of shit that your Ex-H was, you are still brainwashed enough by him to goad over this poor's couple discomfort at encountering you again. I can only imagine what this poor woman had to endure at the time, your Ex-H unwanted advances on her, and the ones you probably didn't see or were aware of. I wouldn't be surprise, considering her reaction, if your Ex-H had pursued and harassed this woman outside of those brief visits to your house.

"My STBX husband is an ogler and a sleaze, can't help it."

Read your own words again. And again. And then think back to what happen.

aurynne · 02/10/2022 02:05

"The fact is she was very flirtatious too, if she wasn't reciprocating my X would have given up quite quickly." --> This is exactly what sleazy men want their wives to think. And they don't give up. in fact, the more the woman ignores them and tries to deflect the attention, the more they take it as a challenge and think that they must be playing hard to get.

HowVeryBizarre · 02/10/2022 02:29

Having a laugh? You sound delusional tbh, your sleazy ex said something to your friend which she obviously shared with her DH and they decided to have nothing further to do with you. The fact that they avoided you in the park would confirm that to me, I have no idea how you think you look like you have some kind of upper hand in this story.

Stichintime · 02/10/2022 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sammylady37 · 02/10/2022 06:37

Ah yeah, it’s her fault isn’t it. Your poor ex just can’t help himself

lickenchugget · 02/10/2022 06:37

Your horrible husband made this woman so uncomfortable, twice, (and in front of her own husband!), that she cut her losses and never spoke to you ever again.

But you think your DH can’t help it, and that somehow it’s her fault? And that you come out on top in this situation?

No one is laughing with you.

Original poster
Auguste · 02/10/2022 06:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you, very kind! I guess years of mental and psychological abuse have taken a toll. I'll seek help, thanks again.

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 02/10/2022 06:49

I understand it must have been awful to feel like you were being shunned and avoided for your ex’s behaviour, I think some of the responses here are a bit unsympathetic to that. I can definitely see why you’d want to mentally frame it as them being sad.

I do agree that it’s likely your ex made them both uncomfortable and that’s why they’re avoiding you. Just another reason it’s a good thing he’s an ex!

thewallisblue · 02/10/2022 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow, that is unnecessarily harsh.

OP, I don’t think you sound unhinged. You sound like you’ve been through a really traumatic time, and I’m sorry for you. I hope you have some support around you now.

Trez1510 · 02/10/2022 07:26

I'm getting an impression you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with your ex., and that has skewed your views on the three incidents - two visits to your home, and the playground.

I'm not sure discussing it further on here will be useful to you, given all expressed views so far cannot see anything wrong with the behaviour of the woman and/or her husband.

Like others have said, hopefully you will have appropriate support around you at the moment including some counselling to help you understand how your ex's thinking may have affected yours too.

Good luck.

Watchkeys · 02/10/2022 07:31

I think that if you're calling them 'sad', you need to look at yourself, too. You're coming to a forum to share your story because you want people to say 'God, yeah, you're right, how sad are they?!'

Why do you need that external validation. You think they're sad, and that's it. Why are you wasting your time telling strangers about it? Have you nothing better to do? Could you conceive of the idea that your behaviour might sometimes be a bit sad too?

butterfliedtwo · 02/10/2022 07:35

HowVeryBizarre · 02/10/2022 02:29

Having a laugh? You sound delusional tbh, your sleazy ex said something to your friend which she obviously shared with her DH and they decided to have nothing further to do with you. The fact that they avoided you in the park would confirm that to me, I have no idea how you think you look like you have some kind of upper hand in this story.

Yeah, this. Weird post.

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/10/2022 07:41

So you bought her into a situation that you knew would be uncomfortable and you think she was was flirting back? I doubt she was. As for " he can't help it" that's ridiculous. Like the other poster said, nobody is laughing with you.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 02/10/2022 07:51

HowVeryBizarre · 02/10/2022 02:29

Having a laugh? You sound delusional tbh, your sleazy ex said something to your friend which she obviously shared with her DH and they decided to have nothing further to do with you. The fact that they avoided you in the park would confirm that to me, I have no idea how you think you look like you have some kind of upper hand in this story.

^ This.
I would maybe look into some counselling.

Minimalme · 02/10/2022 08:03

When you came back into the room and the atmosphere had "changed" and your friend never contacted you again, have you considered your ex had done something unacceptable op?

Your friend's husband was there during both meet ups. It is a stretch to think she was flirting with her husband and child in the room. I would think it far more likely that your ex made her nervous and she was trying to be friendly.

The friend has done nothing wrong.

Sorry you have experienced abuse op. I'm glad you are out of it and wish you well for the future.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 02/10/2022 11:09

You sound mean, OP. And deluded.

Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 11:51

‘Sad, sad people’

No, you set your friend up to be a victim to your predatory creep of a husband in that second meet up and you say that was mumsnet advice?!?!

Your ex friend and her husband have done nothing except show you healthy boundaries. They’ve walked away from a friendship with a very toxic pair.

You shouldn’t be laughing, you should be apologising and putting time into ensuring you get truly rid of your abusive husband.

You have not come out well here.

tea1tea2 · 03/10/2022 06:49

The other couple definitely behaved odd in the playground. If they wanted to cut contact thats fine , they been to your house twice and they should better know that you are not responsible for your ex s behaviour. Running from playground is bit immature. There are so many people we distant from our lives but it does not have to be awkward. A simple hello could have been more nice gesture. I understand it must be made you thinking bad about yourself . This is based on that your ex was not with you at playground , the time they ignored this but if your ex was with you playground, then i get it why they did it

LemonDrop22 · 03/10/2022 09:29

They have no idea you're separating from you h, is that right?

Seems like he said something or acted in some totally off way to her, she told her husband, they broke up the friendship, and are now avoiding you.

They don't know you're separating.

You've said he's a ogler, sleaze, and that he's physically assaulted you. It's not beyond the realm of possibility he's said or done something sleazy and offensive to her.

Your interpretation of her flirting back could be wrong. She could have just been trying to be friendly or could have been trying to politely or laughingly brush off flirtation. If she wanted to flirt back more or pursue something with him, she'd hardly have told her h (which she clearly has) about his behaviour or cut you both off!

LemonDrop22 · 03/10/2022 09:34

They either believe you know what your stbx said/did and think;

A. You're in on it and are some kind of swingers or wife swappers

B. You're not in it but are in.a fucked up dysfunctional relationship and they don't want dragged into any conflict/mess

Many people would think "best to get the fk out of here and avoid these two" if they encountered a suitation with a h acting totally inappropriately... And they maybe even realised you were watchful, annoyed, tense etc as well.

It's a pity they can't be civil to you and you are being punished because of your stbx's behaviour but clearly he's a fkg asshole creep and unfortunately people just try to avoid trouble (esp if they don't know you're breaking up).

Swipe left for the next trending thread