Am I gay?

[Popcorns]

I know no-one can answer, really. I'm just looking for feedback, I suppose.

I found female friendships growing up intense, I'd get attached quickly. I had a girlfriend when I was early 20s but this ended when she cheated.

I've been married to a man for 15 years. I do find men attractive but only to a certain extent, I've never fancied a guy so much I wanted to rip his clothes off, and don't find sex with a man that great, but assumed this is normal?

Sex with my ex girlfriend was great, although looking back it was all about her needs, I don't think I minded!

I feel like something is missing, like I'm not myself. I don't know if I'm making these worries up in my head. Previously I considered myself bisexual, which DH knows, but I feel like I've only just realised that I'm not really that sexually attracted to men - before marrying DH while dating, I was happy to kiss a guy but was never turned on/interested in going further. I did love any attention that made me feel attractive.

I had a terrible, abusive childhood and had very low self esteem for years, I feel as though validation from men made me feel better in some way, but now I'm finally more confident after therapy and working hard, maybe I've been in denial for years?

I don't know. This has all been thrown up as my ex girlfriend from my 20s has been in touch and wants to meet up.

They say that sexuality is a spectrum between gay and straight. If you still find men somewhat attractive, then you probably aren't fully gay or fully straight.

Also, if you have sex with a woman you might not feel your desire to do so quite as intensely after a while. At the moment the idea might be more captivating because you haven't done it.

I did a few times and have a 'been there, done that' attitude to it now, although being a Catholic convert has a lot to do with that. I still sometimes experience same sex attraction.

Ah ok you've had a female lover. A few more times might get it out of your system, but ideally not when you're married.

Thanks for your replies, OldFan. I think I wish I knew exactly where I fell on the spectrum! Everyone else seems to just 'know' themselves better than I do.

But you absolutely could be right, especially after so many years of marriage, the idea of sex with a woman again is juxtaposed and I'm over thinking.

Does it actually matter?

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It matters to me, I feel I've always struggled with knowing myself and this is a part of that.

It's a spectrum. You're clearly not entirely straight but also seemingly not entirely gay. You're somewhere in the middle. That's totally fine.

You could be gay from what you’ve said. Growing up in a heteronormative world and seeking validation from men is a common reason women come out much later. When you say you find men attractive to a certain extent, do you actually find them sexually attractive or just notice that some men are nice to look at? Of course you could also be bi, only you can figure that out unfortunately.

What do you mean by get it out of your system?

I can only share my experience, and you could possibly take something from that, or not perhaps.

I'm a gay man. I've only ever been with men, and whilst I can look at a woman and think she is beautiful and stunning, I've never been physically aroused by a woman.

I've been with my dp for 22 years. I'm 41. I suppose age is relevant in this case. I love him in a way I've never loved anyone else, and I could not ever see myself being in another relationship if anything was to happen to us. He is also subjectively very attractive. Sex is rare, and that is all me. I don't class myself as asexual though. I suppose I'm a gay man with a low sex drive 🤣. I even told him he could see other people to meet those needs, which he declined.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that a label doesn't always fit everyone. Although I'm not interested much in sex, I'm still a gay man rather than an asexual man.

This could just be verbal diarrhoea from another person's perspective, but please just be yourself and as honest as you can be.

I think the most important thing in this situation is to try and seperate out how you feel about your marriage, and sexuality, and feelings about your ex girlfriend.

I think if you are feeling unsure about your marriage, and sexuality, then meeting up with an ex might just complicate those questions.

Are you able to raise these questions in therapy and explore your feelings there?

I'm bisexual and have wondered at times if I'm actually gay or actually straight, but ultimately I just fall for who I fall for and that's that.

I have no idea what I am. Pretty much asexual but fancy some people? I try not to spend too much time stressing about it as it doesn’t help me.

Don't meet up with the ex, it's just going to lead to more confusion and angst. Concentrate on working out whether you want to be in your marriage or not.

Don’t meet up with your ex . It will totally head mash you . Only focus on your marriage.

Sounds like you’re bisexual. The main issue tho is that you’re married and your cheating ex wants to meet up. I wouldn’t meet her its just going to confuse you more. Focus on the life you have and training your husband to be better in bed.

Perhaps the label isn't part of that. but learning to recognise and respect your own feelings is what you need? How you feel is what's important, not what it's called.

Agree that the biggest issue is that your ex - who you say was selfish and a cheater - wants to meet up. It's very common for contact from old flings to rekindle a flame, and sudden doubts about your sexuality are a very good way for your subconscious to rationalise meeting with her and then likely going further.

If you think there's a chance, work on your marriage first. If there isn't, then still explore your sexuality in private and decide what to do next without her involved.

Bi 40 something female here. If you must give your sexuality a prefix, l would say that you are bi. Although my own preference is to be regarded as “sexual” no prefix or label required.

Not only are you on a spectrum, l consider it to be a very fluid spectrum, although l have been criticised for saying this before.

l would suggest you focus on your feelings/emotions and respond accordingly after consideration. Not try to stick a label on what you are.

Good luck OP 🌷

I'm in a similar situation OP. I was a fairly promiscuous teen /young adult (with men) but I'm not sure how much of that was driven by actual sexual attraction and how much was a need for validation or attention. I also knew I liked women but was afraid to be honest.

I had f/f experiences and fell in love but eventually I drifted back into straight life, it wasn't a decision... Just that it was easier and I kind of got swept along doing what was expected, meet a nice man, moved in together etc.

I didn't really think about women for quite a few years. I didn't feel especially sexual about anyone for a while and thought perhaps I'd just lost interest in sex. In my mid 40s though it was as though my feelings for women began to 'wake up' again.

I stumbled across an online chat group (through MN of all places) of 'bi' women. Don't worry that you don't know where you are on the spectrum, many of us are asking ourselves the same questions! A few have since 'come out' as exclusively sexually attracted to women. It's impossible to say if that's because sexuality is fluid and changed as they got older or if they got swept along with comp het expectations and are only now realising it, I suspect it's a bit of both.

Sorry for such a long post OP! I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. If you think you would find it helpful, DM me and I'll tell you more about the chat group.

So you are married and want to take a chance on ditching the happiness and companionship you have found? Sounds like a fool’s bargain to me!

If she is gay though companionship with a man will never be enough. There is a lot to work through for op I think.

Really? So you think good advice would be to stay in a relationship where I feel like something is missing, like I'm not myself?

Why?

I don't know if I'm making these worries up in my head

@Popcorns Can you break this down for us? What is it that you think a worry should be that your worries aren't?

So we always think of ourselves and ourselves alone? Pretty typical of modern society. Anyway how do you know the gay relationship be successful?

I’d rather have what I have rather than trade it in for an unknown which might be a disaster.