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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend liking Instagram pictures

26 replies

KateAlwaysLate · 01/10/2022 07:46

Name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people about this in RL.

Boyfriend and I have been friends for 2 year - instantly clicked and became close very quickly. He has made it obvious for about the past 12 months that he wanted us to be together. I had a really rough previous relationship (left due to DV in 2.5 years ago) and I said I wasn’t ready - still felt fragile/vulnerable. Over time I grew to trust him and we’ve been together for 6 months - relationships been perfect.

He’s met my daughter (3.5) who doesn’t have a relationship with her father (met her when we were friends initially).

He knew full well the “package” he was taking on, has made adjustments in his life and I feel has been totally committed to DD and I.

Family/friends have been met on both sides - everyone happy, no concerns or red flags whatsoever.

I went down a bit of an Instagram rabbit hole yesterday afternoon and noticed that he’d liked pictures of other women from the time we’d been “official” to now. The more I looked, the more I found. Pictures of girls getting dressed up for nights out, selfies… the thirsty types. I found about 50 before I stopped looking. I have no issues with him liking pictures of genuine female friends but, you know the types of pictures I’m talking about, this is different.

I appreciate some are fine with this but it’s so far from the boundaries and expectations I have of a relationship and how I would behave.

I’ve spoken to him about it and there is really no excuse, he accepts it’s stupid and how it’s made me feel. I feel, given that he very much pursued a relationship with me and worked so hard to gain my trust, it’s a kick in the teeth.

I’ve asked for some space to reflect this weekend but I genuinely do not think I’m going to be able to trust him. I work 60 hours a week in a high pressured role, I am a lone parent, I genuinely do not have the time or energy to be worrying what he is or isn’t doing and I’m inclined to break up with him.

I have a session booked with my therapist on Tuesday anyway and obviously this will be discussed but I’m interested to hear thoughts… would I be mad to throw something lovely away over this?

OP posts:

YoSofi · 01/10/2022 08:03

You sound very level headed and I’m sorry about what you went through in a previous relationship.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s ok, this is your boundary and it sounds like a deal breaker for you? It’s fine if it is, you don’t have to justify it to anyone else x

greystarblanchard · 01/10/2022 08:07

This would really annoy me too. Liking someone’s picture that isn’t even a friend or someone you know is essentially giving them validation.

GreyCarpet · 01/10/2022 08:08

I'd feel the same as you re not being able to trust and it being a kick in the teeth

As YoSofi said, it doesn't matter if other people would be ok with it, you're not and it's your boundary.

would I be mad to throw something lovely away over this?

No. Because it will eat away at your confidence and your self esteem. It's never the right thing to do to make yourself ok with something you're not ok with.

It's actually quite refreshing to read a post that isn't asking how you can make yourself be ok with it. Many women try and put up with things in an otherwise lovely relationship and it eats them up and they end up a shadow of their former selves.

Original poster

KateAlwaysLate · 01/10/2022 08:32

@GreyCarpet my fear is putting up with something like this, or accepting it, and it just eating me away forever. I appreciate it may be an overreaction but I’ve worked so hard to build a safe, happy and healthy life for DD and I - I cannot risk someone harming that again.

It’s heartbreaking because he’s otherwise great in every aspect. I would more likely accept a drunken kiss than something like this that is showing clear intent towards other women.

OP posts:

Hue · 01/10/2022 08:39

I don’t think it shows clear intent to be honest. It tends to be what immature men think is ok. You say it is your boundary and he has overstepped it but did he know this was a no no? Had you made your boundaries clear?

I would actually be inclined to give it a go if everything else is good with the proviso that he now knows what you deem acceptable and what you don’t.

if he knew then it’s over.

Willow1980 · 01/10/2022 08:50

This is a hard one. I would always go with your gut feeling. I had an ex of 7 years who did this and I would say why are you liking random girls photos? He would say oh it's a friend.. (lie) or it's only a like. After 7 years I unraveled soo many web of lies that he had been cheating the whole relationship with various woman he got chatting to online mostly by liking photos then sending them private messages!!! It's just not appropriate and it's also rather creepy!!!
Go with you gut or tell him to stop it and see if he does!!

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 01/10/2022 10:23

I think you need to get a grip. I'm all for having your boundaries and sticking to them but had you expressed this to him? Plenty of women would not mind this so it might not have occurred to him. To be clear - I would mind. I would find it pathetic and humiliating to have a boyfriend leering openly at other women online and be turned off.

However he agreed with you as and I assume has stopped completely now. So really I think the only reasonable thing you can do is drop it with him but talk through it with your therapist. Or one more conversation if you feel it's need then drop it.

dontputitthere · 01/10/2022 10:32

I agree with PP. it's your boundary so it doesn't matter if a thousand posters come on here and say they'd be fine with it. If you're not, you're not.

The thing that concerns me is I'm not sure I could trust his intentions again. He made it obvious for a year he wanted to date you. Knew your background and worked hard to gain your trust. But all the while in the background he's doing this?

It would raise questions of well if this is him doing his best what happens when he stops making the effort.

And also for him his boundaries probably are different. For him, wanting you and showing you how you can trust him is compatible with liking pictures of random girls semi dressed etc. if he thinks that's showing you how committed he is etc that's where his boundary is.

I hope it goes well with the therapist. You sound really level headed and strong. I really wish you and your Dc all the best. You've done an amazing job getting out of the Dv.

GreyCarpet · 01/10/2022 10:35

Tbh, I don't think it matters whether she'd expressed the boundary or not. This is an aspect of his personality/character that she finds unattractive.

I've never sat down in relationship and discussed all of my boundaries. And I've certainly never felt the need to give everyone a second chance if they do something I don't like. She doesn't owe him a relationship. If she wants to end it, she can. Even if everything else is lovely.

Heyahun · 01/10/2022 10:48

This wouldn’t bother me at all tbh ! But if it bothers you then I’d probably just end it.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really - but maybe you aren’t ready for a new relationship yet after what happened with your ex or maybe this guys just not for you.

Whynowffs · 01/10/2022 11:06

Tricky one. On the surface it may seem a bit of an overreaction to throw it all away over such a thing, especially as he's involved in your child's life and families have met.
However.....how this may make you feel long term is not to be ignored.
My STBXH used to "love" photos of women on Facebook. He did know them but made a couple of creepy comments once or twice. When I got upset he gaslighted me and said I was overly sensitive. If I'm honest those little issues led to bigger ones and completely knocked my self esteem.

I've recently started seeing someone new and I have already checked his instagram. If he was liking women's pics (I know the ones you mean) I'd be ending it before it has chance to begin.

CookPassBabtridge · 01/10/2022 12:59

Urgh instant block. It's a disgusting trait.. why do they need to even look at this stuff. But liking/wowing/loving these pictures is saying to the thirsty poster.. "look at me" "I like how you look" They are enjoying having that tiny interaction with that woman.. Why do they need that? Men with pathetic fragile egos. Who know how much it bothers the woman they are with and still do it as it's "meaningless" "you're the one I love"
It's nothing to do with cheating.
It's bad in its own right. It's about what kind of man he is.. sleazy and pervy.. and they don't change.

epythymy · 01/10/2022 13:52

Are they women he actually knows? Because maybe he's just one of those people that likes everything. Or are they "models" and he only ever likes THEIR stuff. If he's not actively liking friends posts etc then I would be more annoyed. It's not a deal breaker if you've mentioned it and he reflects and stops doing it. How it makes you feel should be more important to him than "liking" a pic because what does he get out of sending the like?

MMmomDD · 01/10/2022 13:56

@KateAlwaysLate

If he knew this was your boundary and broken it - fair enough.
But as you understand that it’s not something everybody would consider and issue - I think it’s an overreaction.

Is there something in your history that is making you so scared of trusting in a relationship? I think you are bringing it all to the present. And this would be something your counsellor can help you explore. If not for the sake of this - then for your future relationships, as it will continue to affect you….

IodineQueen · 01/10/2022 14:13

I would find this really immature, sleazy and off-putting. I wouldn’t want to see him again.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/10/2022 14:23

It would be a deal breaker for me, simply because it's so fucking immature. And like you, I work long hours in a professional role and don't want to date someone vacuous.

Who spends their time scrolling through Instagram pictures of strangers and 'liking' the way they've posed? What a dull, boring waste of time.

DonnaBanana · 01/10/2022 14:38

Who spends their time scrolling through Instagram pictures of strangers and 'liking' the way they've posed? What a dull, boring waste of time.

Less time than watching Love Island though

heartbroken22 · 01/10/2022 14:40

No I think as a woman just trust your instinct. You've got your daughter to think about. Bin him and find someone better.

MsDogLady · 01/10/2022 19:11

would I be mad to throw something lovely away over this?

Gaining gratification by reaching out to women and drooling over their seductive photos is not lovely. His sleaziness would be the death knell of my trust, respect and sense of security.

Kate, this isn’t the safe relationship that you and your little daughter deserve.

MarigoldMoonStone · 01/10/2022 19:15

How do you see what other people are liking?

CookPassBabtridge · 02/10/2022 13:46

Not sure about instagram but on facebook you search for the persons name, but instead of clicking their profile you leave it on the results page.
Then click photos.
Then expand and you can see what they have liked.. if you sort by date posted it shows you even more.

Heyahun · 02/10/2022 14:56

Yeah I don’t think you can see what others have liked on Instagram? It’s not the same as Facebook! Just looked on my Instagram and anyone I follow I just can see their photos and who has liked those.. so not sure how you’ve discovered this op

Redqueenheart · 02/10/2022 15:55

It would bother me.

I don't see why anyone would feels the need to look at images of unknown women with such frequency on things like Instagram and simply like them because of their appearance.

It sounds almost like it has become a hobby or a compulsion for him.

I could understand if he was following a few female celebs and liking their pics but the constant checking of random girls' profile is a red flag.

Just sleazy and immature.

YoSofi · 02/10/2022 16:07

Heyahun · 02/10/2022 14:56

I assume the op has gone through the list of people he follows.

If they have an open profile, she will be able to see their photos and who has liked them.

Celia24 · 02/10/2022 16:14

I wouldn't like that either OP. I think it would turn me off for good.

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