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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know he’s not being honest with me

35 replies

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 20:02

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs. We are both single parents and live 30 min drive away from each other so have never wanted to uproot our kids to combine households. Its worked fine and we are in touch all the time. we also met at work and still both work in the same company. We go on family holidays together and see each other’s families regularly etc. Recently he has had various “illnesses” to the point I became suspicious. I have access to his online bank acct as he’s always been open until now and I've had his login details for various stuff to make sharing costs on days out easier. I was suspicious things weren't right and looking for answers, so i logged in to his accts. I was horrified to see several large credits from payday loan companies, followed by immediate cash withdrawals of similar amounts (like a thousand in one day, on a few occasions). I have rarely seen him carry cash, if at all. The balance was well over the agreed overdraft limit too. He is still working and being paid as normal, but has called in sick for the past 3 weeks solid. I feel sick to my stomach with worry for him & also because I know somethings up. I saw a taxi was paid for at 2am on a weds morning when he had told me he had covid and had gone into detail about ill he was. I don’t know what to do. I cant pretend everything is fine but equally its none of my business and I shouldn’t have looked. Help (and yes bring on the judgement trust me im judging myself for it more than anyone else could)

OP posts:
outtheshowernow · 30/09/2022 20:05

I would say either gambling or cocaine what do you think ? You are going to have to ask him I guess

FlowerArranger · 30/09/2022 20:10

I agree with @outtheshowernow .

This is serious.

Don't try to help or be understanding. He'll just tell you one sop story after another.

End it.

Maybe - MAYBE - this will make him wake up and take control of his life.

Though I wouldn't bet on it.

Banana2079 · 30/09/2022 20:16

Sounds like He owes someone money big-time , or could be a loan shark, or He’s being blackmailed
If he was using drugs you would’ve noticed this before? Unless he started smoking crack or heroin or using lots of cocaine It might not be a drug problem, I don’t think it’s gambling otherwise what would a taxi be about
I think you should just be honest and ask him

Hairymaery · 30/09/2022 20:20

Liar whatever it is. I'll be the first to say it.. LTB

LivingMyBestLie · 30/09/2022 20:29

I'd guess gambling.

Either way, I couldn't be with someone who's making me so worried. I would ask him to meet up and confront him. Then go from there. But if he lies or conceals, then that's it. Life's too short to be with a gambler.

LivingMyBestLie · 30/09/2022 20:29

Or any addict really.

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 20:35

Yes theres hardly any chance its drugs as he’s just not the type- more a few beers then a takeaway but never even touched a cigarette. My instinct is gambling so to hear you guys all say it too was what i needed to hear. Im genuinely heartbroken and shocked tbh x

OP posts:
MintJulia · 30/09/2022 20:37

I hope he doesn't have access to your accounts. And if he does, change all the passwords immediately.

I'd ask him what's happening. If he lies to you, finish it.

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 20:41

No he doesnt, he willingly gave me his to organise a holiday as im netter with money. Only just realising how much better with money ffs

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/09/2022 20:45

Get out before he drags you down with him.
But don't be so naive about drugs. Not all druggies smoke actually cigarettes I am sure!

JessesMum777888 · 30/09/2022 20:45

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 20:35

Yes theres hardly any chance its drugs as he’s just not the type- more a few beers then a takeaway but never even touched a cigarette. My instinct is gambling so to hear you guys all say it too was what i needed to hear. Im genuinely heartbroken and shocked tbh x

Sorry but their isn’t a type of drug addict.
they all lie and believe their own lies so please don’t dismiss it other than that they come in all walks of life.
He’s definitely lied to you though so for me that’s a deal breaker , everyone’s different.
I would be asking him where he was at 2 am weds morning.

outtheshowernow · 30/09/2022 20:47

If you think it's gambling then he must have a serious addiction which he needs help. I know you said his not the type for drugs but honestly cocaine is absolutely rife amongst all walks of life now and it's very addictive and expensive.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2022 20:47

Confront him and then end it. No matter what he says or what empty promises he will undoubtedly make. Walk away now before he takes you down with him, and be absolutely sure he has no access to your home or money.

LuckyLil · 30/09/2022 20:48

I think you need to tell him what you know and give him the opportunity to come clean, but the fact he's hidden this so long suggests he isn't going to be honest with you. Sadly I think that changes things entirely and you now have to consider if this relationship is worth fighting for because you're already being deceived and will continue being lied to.

Choconut · 30/09/2022 20:48

I would just be honest - 'you kept saying you were ill and it made me suspicious so I looked at your bank accounts to see if you were out spending money on another woman' (if that's what you were thinking). I wouldn't say anymore - he'll know. And see what he says.

Sittingonabench · 30/09/2022 21:01

I too would be a bit vague and tell him you know he isn’t being honest with you and if he can’t be honest then you’re can’t be in a relationship. If he comes clean then you will know the issue and can decide if you want to work it through with him. If not then I would end it. But I wouldn’t be telling him what you know until he starts spilling the beans. There may be more or he may tell you other things to deflect if he isn’t certain what you know.

fdkc · 30/09/2022 21:20

I agree with others, it is either gambling or drugs. I am leaning more towards drugs though as you said he's been out sick from work for the last 3 weeks. Possibly too strung out to go to work?

He definitely needs some sort of help, whether you want to be the one to give him that help is up to you but personally I would run a mile, to keep my own children safe if nothing else.

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 21:29

I feel so bloody stupid and naive and id never even considered it could be drugs but you're all absolutely right and telling me what i would tell someone else. My excuse is im a busy single mum working full time and im honest so naively assumed he was too. But no, my kids are so much more important than getting dragged down in whatever this is x

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 30/09/2022 22:35

£1000 sounds more like gambling than drugs to me but a taxi in the middle of the night sounds far more like drugs. What would his reaction be if you said you'd looked at his bank account? Obviously you weren't meant to do that and he could quite rightly be furious. I don't blame you though and would have done the same in your position.

YoSofi · 30/09/2022 22:40

I agree with the above poster.

If it was the money I’d say gambling, but the 2am taxi makes me think drugs. Unless he is near a 24 hour casino or similar?

MarigoldMoonStone · 30/09/2022 22:42

lots of casinos are 24hr so could explain the 2am taxi. The amounts of money I would definitely think gambling over drugs, but could certainly be both!

Purplehonesty2 · 01/10/2022 10:03

What a shock. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Unless he has met someone else and is spoiling them? Going to hotels? Meeting her in the middle of the night?
Idk

Whatabambam · 01/10/2022 10:48

If he's addicted to drugs, he could be gambling in order to try to fund his habit. Cocaine and gambling often go hand in hand. Loss of control, risky behaviour and an addiction to seeking out dopamine highs.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2022 10:51

I would have said hookers - but that's a lot of cash- sounds more like casinos or something.

I would just end it OP, he's clearly lying and at this stage in the relationship I wouldn't be arsed with the argument or playing James Bond-

bossorworker1 · 01/10/2022 10:55

It's either drugs, gambling or women. Just get out now- do not become his crutch!