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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know he’s not being honest with me

35 replies

Georgia71 · 30/09/2022 20:02

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs. We are both single parents and live 30 min drive away from each other so have never wanted to uproot our kids to combine households. Its worked fine and we are in touch all the time. we also met at work and still both work in the same company. We go on family holidays together and see each other’s families regularly etc. Recently he has had various “illnesses” to the point I became suspicious. I have access to his online bank acct as he’s always been open until now and I've had his login details for various stuff to make sharing costs on days out easier. I was suspicious things weren't right and looking for answers, so i logged in to his accts. I was horrified to see several large credits from payday loan companies, followed by immediate cash withdrawals of similar amounts (like a thousand in one day, on a few occasions). I have rarely seen him carry cash, if at all. The balance was well over the agreed overdraft limit too. He is still working and being paid as normal, but has called in sick for the past 3 weeks solid. I feel sick to my stomach with worry for him & also because I know somethings up. I saw a taxi was paid for at 2am on a weds morning when he had told me he had covid and had gone into detail about ill he was. I don’t know what to do. I cant pretend everything is fine but equally its none of my business and I shouldn’t have looked. Help (and yes bring on the judgement trust me im judging myself for it more than anyone else could)

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 01/10/2022 11:03

Can you tell if he paid for 2 taxis. If there are 2 taxis, what was the gap betweeb them? This might tell youvwhat he is up to. A few minutes between the payments could mean picking up coke. Half an hour to an hour could be visiting an escort. A few hours visiting a casino.

Winceybincey · 01/10/2022 11:10

Gambling is so easily accessed online. Are there any transactions for gambling websites, in past history? If he has a problem then he wouldn’t be able to resist the easy access to it on his phone. I can’t see him withdrawing huge amounts of money for it and going into a bookies or to a pub for a fruit machine when so much more is easily available online. Even if he’s been banned from all websites, there will be a history of it in his transactions.

My guess is drugs or a loan shark. Sorry Op, how shit you must be feeling. Can you ask him about it?

Jesibel · 01/10/2022 12:12

I don’t think it’s drugs, it defo sounds more like gambling. It’s awfully frightening to discover this type of stuff

if you are both open and honest with bank accounts can you ask him?

Charcol · 01/10/2022 17:08

its either gambling or women. I have been there and worn the t shirt. And that was my pattern to.

U gonna speak to him?

Georgia71 · 01/10/2022 17:41

yep, i had it out with him and eventually a lot came out. Hes been suspended from work pending a disciplinary, drinking & gambling. Will always trust my instincts from now on. Its very very sad but I walked and wished him all the best

OP posts:
Georgia71 · 01/10/2022 17:44

Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post. Youll never know how much you've helped me x

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 01/10/2022 19:18

Either way, he’s unlikely to be out in the middle of the night doing Charitable good works with it, is he?

MarigoldMoonStone · 01/10/2022 19:20

Good for you for walking away x

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 01/10/2022 19:23

I came on to say wouldn’t even bother trying to find anything out or sort it, I’d just walk away. I then saw your update. You’ve done absolutely the right thing, and I’m sure it’s very, very hard for you but honestly, it’s for the best, I’m positive about that.

Prawnandcrocktail · 01/10/2022 19:27

Bless your heart- walking away is the best thing to do. I wish I had as soon as I realised that my ex was gambling £1000 a night. I knew he was drinking heavily but not that he was in a 24hr casino rather than at the naval base working! You seem incredibly strong. I wish you so much happiness in the future.

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