Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad sign or not necessarily?

57 replies

fe05ome · 30/09/2022 14:49

Been talking to a guy on OLD and we are meeting next week. It’s been going pretty well, seem to have a lot in common.

He is going away over the weekend with his friends (basically a boozy weekend) and he texted saying “right I’ll speak to you on monday as I’ll be drunk all weekend hahaha. Have a good weekend x”

Now I have zero problems with this - I’ve not even met him yet and I would never expect him to text me all throughout his holiday.

However, I wanted to ask from people’s experiences, is this something that may reflect how he would be in a relationship? Or not necessarily - do people tend to be like this at the beginning, and then if something progresses they’d be more communicative?
I am looking for a relationship and I could never be in one if I didn’t have that sort of contact, so I don’t know whether to just leave it there.

Sorry for the waffling!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/09/2022 18:14

The other end of the scale is a guy with no mates to go on boozy holidays with and no hobbies so he’s just sat trawling the apps for dates out of sheer desperation to have a social life/get laid

There are many other alternatives including well adjusted men who have their shit together, have a healthy social circle, and don't abuse substances.

HikingforScenery · 30/09/2022 18:24

I’d be looking elsewhere because of the ‘getting drunk all weekend’ thing.

Trollcity · 30/09/2022 21:05

I'm going to ignore all the 'red flag' shit about a lad in his 20s going on a weekend away on a stag do and mentions he might spend it drinking to a woman he's never met before - I guess you were all in nunneries being teetotal in your 20s MN!

OP, no-one can tell you what this man might be like in a relationship (unless his ex pops up with nightmare stories) so it's an entirely rhetorical question that will only get you unreasonable replies from the nuns on here. He may text you, he may not but at least he's warned you he might not and hasn't just gone away without comment at all, leaving you thinking where he's disappeared to. You could take this as a positive.

You will only know how he'll behave in a relationship if and when you're in a relationship with him. Go on a date, take it one day at a time, see how it goes. Also remember you're young, free and single (I'm assuming your in your 20s too) and just because you've agreed to go on a date with this one guy, doesn't mean you can't go on dates or communicate with others. Keep your options and mind open and if it turns out he is an arsehole, you've only lost an option, not your heart.

Sunnytwobridges · 30/09/2022 21:32

This would raise an orange flag for me but I would still meet up with him. I know if I was going away with the girls all weekend I would be out of pocket the whole time and I would prob even tell people that I'd be messed up drunk the whole time so don't expect to hear from me but in actuality I wouldn't get that drunk. For me all that means is that I will be having fun partying and having a good time, not necessarily being drunk off my arse the entire time. LOL

minticecreamisjustok · 30/09/2022 22:07

Depends if your lifestyle is similar? personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who was frequently away on boozy weekends.

Remember things you don't like now are what is going to become more of a problem in future.

Trollcity · 30/09/2022 22:16

Why on earth is everyone concentrating on a young lad going on a stag do weekend where alcohol is involved when OP has quite clearly stated that this aspect doesn't bother her. She's asking about the lack of contact, not the fact he'll be drinking.

Tinkerbell1281 · 01/10/2022 10:32

I think it’s just a throwaway comment to highlight the fact he won’t be in touch on the weekend, as he’s with his mates. It’s probably not that deep, and you can’t read into a text from someone you’ve never met or gain any insight from all of us, when we’ve never met him either! Good luck.

DenholmElliot1 · 01/10/2022 10:38

In my experience the men who weren't available at weekends were married/coupled up.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2022 10:46

I think some blokes do say stuff like this when they don't know you well and wanting to sound 'fun' - a bit 'nuts and loaded' if you know what I mean -some women do like guys that sound like they go for laddish times and have plenty of mates .

I think see how it goes , but keep it in mind!!!

Bossa09 · 01/10/2022 10:48

From what you know already, does he do this often? You said it’s a stag do, is it abroad, does it involve travelling? I assume he’ll be in a room or room sharing with friends and certain behaviours are expected on a stag do. Don’t want to be the one always on their phone, I know some even have rules of no phones?
I would say it depends if this behaviour is regular, if it would be carried across to regular nights out or if usual nights out extend over a few days. Then I’d say it’s a red flag but if it’s a one off then what’s the issue.

Sandra1984 · 01/10/2022 11:36

I don’t do guys who go on stag parties or spent the weekend drinking with the lads, but that’s just me, they’re simply not my type. This said it might be your type, and that’s totally fine. Horses for courses. If stag boys are your type I think it’s completely normal the man would be “dissapeared” all weekend and not contacting you, this is no red flag. What is indeed a red flag is you being so emotionally invested in a guy you’ve never met, it denotes a neediness and a bit of desperation. I would step away from OLD and work in yourself before you continue pursuing meeting strangers on the internet.

Always4Brenner · 01/10/2022 11:49

Any sign of this I’d be off not a chance in hell.

Watchkeys · 01/10/2022 20:13

Trollcity · 30/09/2022 22:16

Why on earth is everyone concentrating on a young lad going on a stag do weekend where alcohol is involved when OP has quite clearly stated that this aspect doesn't bother her. She's asking about the lack of contact, not the fact he'll be drinking.

Because it's important and OP seems to be dismissing it.

It's not rocket science.

Original poster
fe05ome · 03/10/2022 09:32

Welp, I’ve not heard from him since then. So I’m not going to text first and am going to assume the date isn’t going ahead unless he says otherwise!

OP posts:
shipwreckedonhighseas · 03/10/2022 09:36

Nothing wrong with his message but I wouldn't want him.

NotLactoseFree · 03/10/2022 11:31

You posted at 9:32? He said he's speak to you on Monday. I think give the man a break.

For the record, actually, I would consider his behaviour to be a very good sign. Instead of just disappearing off, he's clearly laid out what he will be doing, and that he's not going to be in touch. He hasn't left you hanging, wondering why he hasn't been in touch etc. And he's also carefully avoiding any chance of drunken inappropriate texting.

Hopefully, he'll be back at work today, tired and a bit hungover and will be back in touch later or tomorrow to firm up any date plans. Depending on how your chat has been in the past , I also wouldn't think it was weird if you texted him to ask how it was.

fucap · 03/10/2022 11:45

You haven't even met him yet!!
You are overthinking this at this point.
You could meet him and not fancy him at all.

I think he was communicative - he told you he was going away for the weekend and would be in touch on Monday. It's not like he disappeared leaving you wondering what had happened.

As for the drinking, having been with an alcoholic for 5 years who was constantly going out with workmates and getting smashed, I wouldn't be impressed with someone who was going away to drink all weekend - unless it really was a one off. So going forward, watch out for it. If it's something that happens often, it's something that will not change if a relationship were to develop.

Original poster
fe05ome · 03/10/2022 11:57

Thanks all, I understand your points!
I think I am probably thinking. I know we’re supposed to be meeting tomorrow and what time, but he was going to plan and finalise which restaurant we are meeting at, and he hasn’t done so yet. So I think I’m just aware that it might not happen

OP posts:
Original poster
fe05ome · 03/10/2022 11:57

Sorry, I meant overthinking!

OP posts:
fucap · 03/10/2022 12:20

I think I am probably thinking. I know we’re supposed to be meeting tomorrow and what time, but he was going to plan and finalise which restaurant we are meeting at, and he hasn’t done so yet. So I think I’m just aware that it might not happen

There's still plenty of time for him to do that. But I'd not bother chasing him up about it. If he contacts you great, if not bin him.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 03/10/2022 12:27

So I'm a bit older but met a man in his late 30s and he did this once, went to some sort of rave involving drinking. Great, I told him to have a good time but send me a few pics of where he was (seaside) which he did.

I was messaging a man over the summer and he's a bit older but told me when he'd been away with friends/to meet friends and had drinks out at venues and also when he met them up town and one time couldn't meet me as too hungover (totally true!). I didn't care that he got drunk/had drinks, a bender might have been more of an issue but it's his life not mine. As others have said, its the contact side of it which is most important. Both these men contacted me regardless of what happened but I kept it light/casual so they knew I wasn't checking up/policing them - which why would I do that anyway?!

Opentooffers · 03/10/2022 12:43

As you haven't met its totally fair that he doesn't see a need to contact you. You are also correct in having an expectation that contact should occur once in a relationship, so yes you can expect it to change, and if it doesn't, then that is an issue.
At present though, he should let you know if the meet is still happening. You can chose to wait or ask - I think I'd wait as its only tomorrow, but I'd take a negative view if he waited till the day its meant to happen before contacting. Last minute arrangements imply you are an afterthought.

Tootels · 03/10/2022 12:48

My husband goes on weekends away for birthdays / stag dos / reunions. They drink all day and night. Although I'm used to no contact dud to his job.

Bunda · 03/10/2022 12:51

No issue with this whatsoever and I only drink on occasions. He set his boundary clearly and light-heartedly. If you were in an exclusive established relationship then yes, I'd expect a few messages/calls.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/10/2022 14:34

fe05ome · 30/09/2022 14:52

It’s hard to explain but I don’t have an issue with him doing it now as I’ve never met him!!
I just mean is it necessarily how he would be in a relationship? Like from peoples experiences would they go from this to wanting contact in a relationship

Stop overthinking.

You don't know what he'd be like in a relationship.
PP don't know what he'd be like in a relationship.
A relationships expert won't know what he'll be like in a relationship.

You seriously need to chill & stop working yourself up, second guessing, & extrapolating a relationship situation onto some random geezer you've never met. I mean this totally kindly btw - it must be tiring to keep thinking about him, & trying to work out - in the age old way of insecure women everywhere - "but what does it meeeeeeean?"

It means NOTHING. Because you have not met him.
Try to focus on your own life, not his.
And when you DO meet him - continue focusing on your own life.
A man should not be the answer to all your prayers - he should be a pleasing extra who makes you feel happy & secure.