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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair with female colleague (DH, not me)

44 replies

ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 20:21

So, I'm pretty certain that my DH is having an emotional affair with a younger, female work colleague. He's got form for this and has basically had 'a close woman friend' at every company he's worked for. They are always younger than me and not as high up in the company as him. When I've spoken about these women before, in as casual a manner as I could muster, he's always said that a) they are just friends and b) that he wants to help them with their career. I know it's bollocks, but I've always accepted it for a quiet life.

This time, however, it feels different. The woman is a lot younger than him and I have seen messages between them with lots of emojis and just a sort of non professional air. There's never been anything sexual or even flirty that I've seen, but who knows what he deletes? He's out of the house for hours on end when he's at work, so how would I know what message he's sending and receiving? I've never been jealous before, or at least not to this degree but I feel that he's either crossed or is about to cross a line that has been unspoken in our 18 year marriage.

I've confronted him this evening and have taken his phone to read, after a lot of shouting by both of us. He, naturally blames me for being jealous despite the fact that I never phone/text etc him when he's at work and half the time I don't even know where he is (he travels abroad). Does it sound like I'm the crazy, jealous wife? There are the same sort of messages on his phone, some work related and some more personal, but again nothing overtly flirty. So, should I be worried or just ignore my gut feeling? My first husband was shagging every woman that he worked with as I finally found out before I divorced him and I've always tried hard not to let that influence any other relationship that I've had, but this time I can't shake off the feeling that there's more to this 'friendship' than I feel is acceptable to me. I feel gutted really :(

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 29/09/2022 20:43

Ok so what do you want to do? What next

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/09/2022 20:46

Posted too soon
no you’re not daft,jealous etc however that’s the script he'll probably use
awful he’s put you in this position knowing the history of the cheating husband no1
do you have a good mate,family who’ll support and listen to you
what us he saying or is it all denials

Bessica1970 · 29/09/2022 20:49

If they’re not flirty I’m not sure what the problem is.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/09/2022 21:09

the statement he’s got form is very revealing , it’s a habitual thing befriend a younger woman he’s senior to. The playing up to be mr work nice guy to chosen younger women,That’s pretty irksome

XmasTreeOh · 29/09/2022 21:59

In an ideal world we could all be friends with whoever we wanted but we are emotional creatures. He’s put you in a situation that is not your fault but he’s blaming you for being human and having feelings. He should be telling you this woman is just a colleague and you should be able to trust him

Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 22:09

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/09/2022 20:46

Posted too soon
no you’re not daft,jealous etc however that’s the script he'll probably use
awful he’s put you in this position knowing the history of the cheating husband no1
do you have a good mate,family who’ll support and listen to you
what us he saying or is it all denials

He's definitely trying to tell me that I'm the one in the wrong. When I told him that I was unhappy about all the messages (that I know about) between the two of them he admitted he'd got too attached to her but then he denied it again. That's his usual form. He sort of apologises, then rescinds the apology and blames me for his behaviour. I know it's textbook abusive behaviour, but I have too much to loose if I leave him. I'm having therapy and the therapist seems to be nudging me, not overtly, but I can see from her face and tell from her questions what she's thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 22:10

Bessica1970 · 29/09/2022 20:49

If they’re not flirty I’m not sure what the problem is.

Well obviously you wouldn't have a problem with it and that's fine. Sadly, I do have a problem with it and I feel very upset that it's happening all over again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 22:11

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/09/2022 21:09

the statement he’s got form is very revealing , it’s a habitual thing befriend a younger woman he’s senior to. The playing up to be mr work nice guy to chosen younger women,That’s pretty irksome

You've hit the nail on the head. He definitely wants to be seen as the senior man in the company to whom the 'ladies' should look up. It's always the younger ones who probably think he'll help them up the career ladder that he homes in on, never the ones his own age or older. He's got his tactics down to a fine art I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 22:15

XmasTreeOh · 29/09/2022 21:59

In an ideal world we could all be friends with whoever we wanted but we are emotional creatures. He’s put you in a situation that is not your fault but he’s blaming you for being human and having feelings. He should be telling you this woman is just a colleague and you should be able to trust him

The thing is, I've always trusted him up to a point before, but this has happened too many times now for it to be just 'friendliness'. All the women are young and attractive and the older I'm getting the younger his target age group is getting. Not children, obviously, but women in their 20s now and he is in his 50s. I hope most of them rebuff him and that he's seen as a letchy old man, but there always seems to be one who hangs onto his every word and I'm worried about the latest one. Don't want to give too much away but I think she wants a visa so she can settle in our country and that is the reason she's entertaining his messages and stream of emojis?

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 29/09/2022 22:20

If it feels wrong then it probably is.
It is actually his responses to you that I find concerning as well. How would he feel if he caught you doing something similar?

You say he doesn't text you that way. I think that is concerning. Clearly something is lacking and you should trust your instincts.

Check in with your relationship values, what has changed? Where are the cracks? Where is the romance? Do you communicate? Make quality time just for each other?

Sending love OP

Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 29/09/2022 22:24

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/09/2022 22:20

If it feels wrong then it probably is.
It is actually his responses to you that I find concerning as well. How would he feel if he caught you doing something similar?

You say he doesn't text you that way. I think that is concerning. Clearly something is lacking and you should trust your instincts.

Check in with your relationship values, what has changed? Where are the cracks? Where is the romance? Do you communicate? Make quality time just for each other?

Sending love OP

Thank you, that's really nice of you :)

He would be really angry if I were doing the same as him. I no longer work in an office (have a little business that I run from home on my own) so I don't see many people but he used to question me about who I'd been talking to and still does on the odd occasion that I go out without him.

He's a workaholic so we don't spend much time together even though I'd love to. I've given up asking after all these years because he obviously doesn't want to. We even go on holiday separately now because he always ended up having to work and I didn't want to miss out on the chance to travel.

OP posts:
vanishedwithoutatrace · 30/09/2022 08:18

Does he help out young men with their career also or is it always young women? I think I know the answer to this one!

Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 30/09/2022 11:09

vanishedwithoutatrace · 30/09/2022 08:18

Does he help out young men with their career also or is it always young women? I think I know the answer to this one!

You’ve guessed right I think. It’s always young women, never young men. I’m being taken for a fool aren’t I? 😢

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 30/09/2022 11:51

If they're not flirty, why isn't this just a friendship he has?

Cheminaufaules · 30/09/2022 12:23

Whether the messages are objectively flirty or not isn't the issue. I think the issue is that this man is diverting too much of his attention than the OP feels comfortable with towards this other woman.

OP, in a respectful relationship, you should have the space to tell him how his choices are affecting your feelings and thoughts. The fact that you're not the typical 'jealous' partner should mean that he should be paying close attention to your feelings when you do speak to him. After all, it's not like you're 'nagging' him daily!

If I were you I might tell him directly that I understand he might enjoy their communications, and that I wouldn't want to make him stop what he enjoys, but I would ask him to consider whether he has appropriate boundaries in place, as well as tell him directly that their messaging was starting to make me sad, anxious, whatever.

If he is an emotionally mature adult, he should be able to re-assess the situation. If he cannot do this then perhaps consider if he has been a bit of a player all along, and your good nature has masked this truth somewhat from you.

Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 30/09/2022 13:09

ShouldIEndItNow · 30/09/2022 11:09

You’ve guessed right I think. It’s always young women, never young men. I’m being taken for a fool aren’t I? 😢

Show quote history

Are you a twenty something woman? How many fifty something men friends do you have? Just curious 🤨

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIEndItNow · 30/09/2022 13:10

Sorry, I’m on my phone and quoted the wrong post! Sorry 😣

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 30/09/2022 13:18

OP, the messages themselves aren't the problem. The problem is that when you tell your husband that this is bothering you, he is doing nothing to cut contact. My husband wouldn't show me such a lack of respect.

blockpavingismynightmare · 30/09/2022 13:26

He either does not care about your feelings because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong and you are making something out of nothing or - he does not care anyway.
Question is what are you going to do about it if you want him to stop or at least spend more time with you?
You see, from my point of view if this were me and my bloke was behaving like this there would be hell here in our house OP.

2bazookas · 30/09/2022 13:55

I'd contact the woman and say "Back off my husband , you're just the latest in a line of silly little tarts he messes with at work."

Leave it to DH to handle the fall-out. If he accuses you, say " Back off, arsehole. Or I will copy that message to all your work colleagues and boss".

tootiredtospeak · 30/09/2022 14:07

Only you can decide if this is a pitiful ego boost or something more sinister. Ask him why these friends are never young men and how he would feel if you had a young male friend from work. Only you can decide if it's worth 18 years down the pan but if you have had enough then its probably time to start standing up for yourself. He eithers stops it or leaves your self respect is worth it.

Realityloom · 30/09/2022 14:12

I'll tell you what my best friend says to me (generally). Why are you upsetting yourself if your not going to leave?

My mothers aunt swore by "Shut up or put up". You said your DH has form for this.... like it's the norm.

Kateandherbush · 30/09/2022 14:16

Your DH’s vile and creepy behaviour aside - your relationship sounds pretty crap with him working all the hours (if he is actually working all those hours) and not even having holidays and time together. Just think what a much lovelier life you could be having with someone who actually wanted to spend time with you.

Frankly he sounds pathetic and a creepy old perv who likes hanging out with women who he’s old enough to be the father / grandfather of🤮

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2022 14:28

I’m being taken for a fool aren’t I? 😢

Yes, and sadly you've allowed it for a very long time. You say you have a lot to lose, but isn't your dignity and happiness worth more? Why be with this fuckwit of a man?

madasawethen · 30/09/2022 14:33

How many times has he done this and does it involve him leaving for another job for it to go away?

Maybe you should ask yourself what you are getting from staying married to him. He's never around. He doesn't seem to want to do anything with you. You don't take vacations together.