Emotional affair with female colleague (DH, not me)

[ShouldIEndItNow]

So, I'm pretty certain that my DH is having an emotional affair with a younger, female work colleague. He's got form for this and has basically had 'a close woman friend' at every company he's worked for. They are always younger than me and not as high up in the company as him. When I've spoken about these women before, in as casual a manner as I could muster, he's always said that a) they are just friends and b) that he wants to help them with their career. I know it's bollocks, but I've always accepted it for a quiet life.

This time, however, it feels different. The woman is a lot younger than him and I have seen messages between them with lots of emojis and just a sort of non professional air. There's never been anything sexual or even flirty that I've seen, but who knows what he deletes? He's out of the house for hours on end when he's at work, so how would I know what message he's sending and receiving? I've never been jealous before, or at least not to this degree but I feel that he's either crossed or is about to cross a line that has been unspoken in our 18 year marriage.

I've confronted him this evening and have taken his phone to read, after a lot of shouting by both of us. He, naturally blames me for being jealous despite the fact that I never phone/text etc him when he's at work and half the time I don't even know where he is (he travels abroad). Does it sound like I'm the crazy, jealous wife? There are the same sort of messages on his phone, some work related and some more personal, but again nothing overtly flirty. So, should I be worried or just ignore my gut feeling? My first husband was shagging every woman that he worked with as I finally found out before I divorced him and I've always tried hard not to let that influence any other relationship that I've had, but this time I can't shake off the feeling that there's more to this 'friendship' than I feel is acceptable to me. I feel gutted really :(

What do you have to lose by leaving this marriage? It sounds dismal.

Tell him to keep it professional he's diminishing himself and he's crossing boundaries with a younger colleague that HR may become involved. If he's convinced he's a mentor type that may work if you can't face ultimatums and leaving.

you mentioned having a lot to lose if you leave? What precisely is it you’ll lose?

Re; all the “if it’s not flirty what’s the problem?” replies, seriously? There’s really no need to go around befriending women half his age is there? I’ve personally never befriended men at my work (particularly when in a relationship) because there really is no need, and they’re usually the same age as well, but what can they offer female colleagues can’t? Befriending the opposite sex half your age is just bizarre and yes I’d be suspicious. It’s one thing to offer helpful advice to junior colleagues as you go about your work, it’s another thing to be personally messaging, it’s not appropriate, goodness give your heads a wobble.

What do you have to lose by leaving him? Is it worth more than your dignity and self respect that he's eroding?

You don't spend time together, you don't go on holiday together, he is controlling and a cheat.

He sounds gross and you sound like you really don’t like him.

@whenithits totally agree.

It's creepy, inappropriate and almost certainly done for an ego boost on his part

I've worked with men like this in the past. They were generally misogynistic patronising arseholes.

Why do you stay? Are you clinging on to some hope that isn’t really there? He doesn’t sound that that invested in you.

He's not invested in you. All that texting a young woman at work 'friendly things' - it is energy he should be putting into your marriage. Why is he so interested in young women's careers at work and not his marriage?

Do tell him that it only takes one woman who feels he is showing a bit of OTT interest to report it and he will be hauled up. I knew a HR director who got the boot after sharing inappropriate jokes in his team- and to individuals- not even being flirty. Someone took offence and wham that was it.

On a personal front he won't be the first or last sad 50 odd year old senior bloke who regularly likes to test that he's still 'got it' even if it's just friendly chit chat- they are never friendly chit chatting with 47 year old Matt in sales out of hours etc (well rarely unless they are both ways)

It's incredibly hurtful I know. I've been there. No intentions were there, just liked the fun I think of youthful contact with emojis etc - (I don't do emojis or superfluous text I admit after 27 years)

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think I already know that he's looking for a bit of a frisson, of whatever type, from befriending young women. I am actually going away by myself next week to give me space to think about what I want to do next.

The final straw for me with his latest 'friend' was when I realised he was following her private Insta. It's nothing work related and this is his standard excuse for having so much contact with her. She changes her photo every day - nothing seedy, just pics of her in various dresses, holiday snaps etc, but he doesn't follow anyone else on Insta, apart from musicians and artists whose work he likes. Apparently, he had no idea that I also had an Insta account, so yes, he's not exactly into me is he?

As for what I stand to lose if I ditch the marriage, which I know I ought to do if I have any shred of self respect, well it would be my business (my only means of making money because I have a disability that prevents me from working outside the home) and all my animals, of which I have dozens. I could bear to 'lose' 'D'H but I know he'll take my dog away from me and I wouldn't be able to take my bigger animals with me if I moved into a rental property. I have no idea what he'd do with my pets if I were to leave. Starve them? Sell them? I cannot bear to think about it, so I will stay until they all die unless I win the lottery and can buy a small house and a field for the animals.

@ShouldIEndItNow it takes a lot of courage to stay under those circumstances and I think you should be commended for that. It's way too easy for people to see it in black and white without taking other important factors into account - as the animals, in your case. If it helps you at all, I would also make the same decision you have done. There is no way I would give up my animals.

Hold your head high. He does not deserve you, the pitifully sad man that he is.

Op if you are married then you should get a reasonable settlement if you divorce - starting point is usually 50:50. Would you be able to buy a small property with that? Could friends maybe take some of the larger animals?

Try not to catastrophise - there may be a way round this. It certainly may well be worth your while to talk to a solicitor and get some idea of what you could walk away with in the event of a divorce.

It will get harder and harder to leave as time goes on, and if you stay you could end up absolutely destroying your self-esteem, and nothing is worth that. 💐

@ShouldIEndItNow I'm sure you could keep your business if you leave- it doesn't have to be based in one particular place after all. If you're on a low income you would be entitled to some UC to help you. Do you claim PIP for your disability? It can make a big difference financially.

Unfortunately, my business premises have been specially built for me and I had to take out a big loan to get the building put up, even though it’s nothing fancy. I’m still paying back the loan and will be for quite a few more years so there’s no chance of me being able to start the business elsewhere :(

I do receive a disability benefit which helps me pay for a few things that I need, and I suppose I’d be entitled to more financial help if I was on my own, but I hate the thought of not earning my own living. No offence at all to anyone who doesn’t need to work or who cannot work for any reason, but I was unemployed for a while after leaving uni and it was the one and only time that I suffered from depression. I actually thought I hated the people standing at the bus stop outside my flat because they were obviously on the way to work and I wasn’t. I know that makes me sound unhinged, but I really can’t bear the thought of not earning my living. My job doesn’t bring in loads of money, but it means a lot to me and I like interacting with my customers.

I’ve made it very clear now to ‘D’ H that he has crossed a line by following a twenty something girl on Insta and he says he’s deleted her which is good in a way, but not really that good since he only unfollowed her because I told him it was unacceptable and that he was making himself appear sleazy. He has children from his first marriage, all of whom are older than the young woman in question. Yuck!

Does your DH have the means to pay off your business loan?

I honestly don’t know. We have a joint account and a personal account each and we both have business accounts. I think his accounts are healthier than mine, but I wouldn’t trust him to tell me the truth about how much is in either of them. There’s not enough in the joint account because that’s just for the mortgage and bills and we both put an agreed sum money in each month. His contribution is larger than mine. My personal account has virtually nothing in it because I plough it all back into my business.

So he (somewhat unsurprisingly) sounds financially abusive, too. On top of the verbal/emotional abuse (accusing you of things if you dare to go out without him). Is he very controlling generally? He seems to want to control what he considers to be "his" money and "his" wife pretty firmly.

Have you been married for 18 years? If so, I'd imagine you'd be entitled to a fair whack of money, property, pensions etc. if you left him. Potentially enough to buy a little house with a big field. Would you approach a solicitor to talk with them about what you cold expect on divorce? You'd probably need a forensic accountant to unearth all of his money, he seems the type to try to hide things (but he'll be in for a shock because those people are very, very good at finding things - it is quite literally their job).

You don't have to live like this. You can have a quiet, peaceful, stable, independent life with you own home and your animals and build your social life up again.