If you have preschool children, how much does your husband honestly do?

[Saltseaair]

I’m torn on this, as I love my DH very much. The things he DOES do are:

Works very hard to provide a good standard of living
Everything relating to the cars
Mows the lawn - we have a big garden so this is no small task

But I am getting a bit concerned about him being a bit too hands off where our toddler is concerned. I do pretty much everything. Make breakfast, lunch and dinner, take him to the park, to groups, for walks, swimming. I pack the bags for any days out. I buy his clothes. I do bath and bed. I read the books and play with the toys.

As a result I hate saying this but while the toddler is pleased to see DH and they interact nicely it doesn’t take long before toddler is wanting me. He will not accept DH doing bedtime - has to be me.

How is it honestly in your house? I feel we’ve fallen into bad habits.

Lots and lots but both my children as toddlers still preferred me for bedtime. I work in a less flexible job so he did most nursery drop offs and pick ups, GP appointments etc and we share the load at weekends.

DP does:
• most of the earning (he is full time, I’m part-time, plus he earns more)
• some cooking (approx 50/50)
• some food shopping (approx 50/50)
• some dishes (approx 50/50)
• occasional superficial cleaning (eg quick hoover of the living room)

I do:
• some earning (part-time)
• the other 50% of cooking / shopping / dishes etc
• majority of cleaning
• all tidying
• pretty much all childcare
• all ‘mental load’ tasks

DP does cuddles, playing etc. I do nappy changes, getting dressed, baths, bedtime etc etc. Essential I do most of the parenting and he gets to be the fun one.

Both work, me four days, him five.

We take it in turns to do nursery runs and bedtime, and arrange meetings around our days.

He does all the cooking and usually does the supermarket shop. All car stuff, his own laundry, all money/insurance related stuff as he's better with numbers than me. He pays more into the joint account as he earns more.

I do most of the housework and mental load type stuff - keeping the house in a reasonable state, remembering stuff for nursery, gp appts, vet appts, prescriptions, recycling day etc etc. Childcare on my day off work. Laundry for me and child, all household laundry. Generally keep the house running as best I can while working almost full time with a three year old.

It feels fair. I get annoyed that I have to remember more stuff and keep on top of things, but he never complains about cooking every dinner (which I hate doing) so I'll take it!

He does everything during work hours, he's the SAHP. Outside of that it's 50/50.

I also work full time BUT compressed hours 37 in 3.5 days) so less nursery fees and I get 1.5 days with DS in the week. DH has had the cheek a couple of times to refer to this as ‘part time’ and he’s lucky to still have a head.

He does DIY stuff. He will put Hoover round. Dishwasher etc, a wash on, puts his own clothes away. There was a mold problem in the cupboard and he’s dealing with that. due to the nature of my hours he does more pick up and drop off than me.

I do all toddler admin. All clothes, buying new, laundry, bed changes, helping supplies topped up, packing for days out, organising days out, dealing with nursery admin etc etc, you all know it.

DH works 8-6 5 Monday to Friday, I work 2 days.

He does bath and bed once he is home from work.
He mows the lawn, puts bins out, and does the dishwasher after dinner.

At weekends he does his fair share of taking them to activities.

I think DH does a bit more than me, or maybe 50/50. We both work FT. We take alternate nights.

Bucking the trend a bit here - DH works 21 hours a week (3 days) and I work full time. We share nursery drop-off and pick-up depending on schedules. We both cook; I might do slightly more often but DH is playing with or bathing DC whilst I do this.

He does the food shopping, or we get it delivered. I do most of the laundry and general tidying and mental load, though. Despite having the opportunity and time, DH rarely goes to groups or activities with DC so I spend a lot of the weekend going to soft play, seeing DC friends etc, which DH is happy to participate in but will not organise or do during the week. It fucks me off a lot and although me working full time is the right choice for us, I made that decision on the proviso that he would be a better SAHP than me. That’s turning out to not be the case and I resent him for it.

50/50

he’s currently putting DC2 to bed

he does his share of drop offs/pick ups/washing clothes/ bathing/bed times/ chores

I do most food shopping and cooking but he does the garden & bins & most dog walks too

He works PT, 4/5 hrs a day, and I don't work at the moment (though hoping to change that soon). We have cleaners so neither of us do masses of that apart from the daily keeping on top of stuff.

He does most of the cooking, daily tidying/hoovering the kitchen, bed & bathtime on alternate nights, sometimes puts her down for a nap. He does nappies, plays with her etc when he's not working but rarely takes her out anywhere on her own.

I do the washing up, all laundry, DIY, all the 'mental load' stuff and admin for her and the house (a lot as we're finishing a building project), and then obviously looking after dd, taking her out etc in the daytime.

DH works full time from home, I do 4 days hybrid working, 2 days in the office. On those two days he does breakfast and nursery drop off / pick up. Cooking, cleaning and laundry split 5050. Bed and bath we usually do together. Most of DS stuff is me though, I do 99% of nappy changes normally dress him (lay out clothes if I don’t). Always get his stuff for the day ready (including packed lunch if we need it).

DS is 21 now but when he was younger DH was totally involved (apart from when he was at work). I was a SAHM for years but DH was totally 'hands on' before work (I used to go for a 4 mile walk every morning & DH got DS up, gave him breakfast etc). As soon as he got home from work he played with DS, gave him his bath, put him to bed etc. Weekends were total involvement for DH ... I had a break . He also did all the gardening, car stuff, home admin etc etc. He got involved with the school, eventually became a School Governor, coaching for DS sports teams (took it seriously, got professional qualifications) etc etc. Took DS camping, fishing, weekends away. Neither of us is obsessed with housework ...it got done. Cooking was shared.

I honestly had a fairly easy time as a SAHM. But my DH loved being a Dad so all these things weren't chores ... he enjoyed it all ... still does .

50/50 on everything.

I've started just telling DH to do XYZ because he just doesn't take the initiative. Can you please make the kids breakfast, bring the laundry up et. Etc etc ad nauseum.

And yes, it is like having a third child.

We work equal hours. He earns much more. He does all of the playing, all of it. I do the chores.

DH does practically nothing during the week. He's usually not back until late when DC and I are in bed. He'll put the dishwasher on and wipe kitchen surfaces but that's about it. In the morning, it depends whether he has an early morning or late. If he's around and not in a rush, he might help get DC dressed (DC has just started reception and still needs some supervision), make DC breakfast, pack DC's lunchbox or supervise teeth brushing if I ask him to. But he has to be asked, he doesn't just see things and do them. It was the same when DC was at nursery...I did all the organising, drop offs and pick ups.

At weekends, DH does more. He's not very good at pretend play or arts and crafts so I tend to do those with DC. He will do building stuff or cooking or baking with DC. He usually takes DC out to the playground/park/swimming/soft play or shops for at least one weekend afternoon so I get some time to myself. In the past, I've tended to remind him what to take or pack a bag as otherwise he forgets coat, water bottle, helmet etc but I'm trying to stop doing this. He usually supervises one bathtime at weekends and I do the other. He'll make lunch for DC, but usually just a 'beige' lunch like fish fingers, pizza or pasta.

I have a 4 year old and 8 month old. My husband works from home and he is the main provider but he does so much!
He:

1. wakes up early to take baby so I can have a nap (have a non sleeping breast feeder)
2. sorts my 4 year old out with brekkie, dresses her, brushes teeth, sorts bag
3. unloads dishwasher
4. puts washing on, unloads (I put away through day
5. he's always on hand to help with baby
6. he takes eldest to nursery most days and picks up (now just in school)
7. sorts household bills etc
8. bathes kids at night and he puts eldest to bed whilst I put baby to bed
9. 50% of nights he clears and cleans kitchen
10. overnight waking with 4 year old. 1-2 times a week?

What he doesn't do (and what I do)

1. overnight wakings with baby (EBF)
2. food shop
3. things / appointments relating to school, doctors, dentists
4. cooking
5. clothes shopping for children
6. organising any days out.

We have a good split and balance I think. He's excellent and I'm very lucky.

Depending on dh shift (he's early start week one, late start week two) we alternate drop off, I always collect, although if dh on earlies, I pick dh up first then we collect together. We only have 1 car.

At home he plays with ds while I sort dinner out. I tend to do bedtimes, but he does bathtime, although he's been doing bedtime more frequently lately because ds wants daddy for stories and snuggles.

Dh struggles to get up in the morning, so I'll get up, have a shower, have a peaceful half hour with a cuppa and breakfast, sort bags and make a cuppa for dh, I then wake ds and get him ready for the day while dh gets showered and dressed.

Dh does a lot of the fun play and entertainment stuff, I do more the sorting and getting ready. Although Saturday afternoons are reserved for baking with mummy.

DH does - cars, garden, odd jobs round house, takes one DC to weekend clubs while I take other. Takes both DC to one DC’s swimming one week, so I can have a break, the other week, I take the swimming DC and he keeps the other DC at home, as he works long hours and hardly sees DC in the week.

At the weekend, he might do their lunch, plays with them, takes them out on bikes etc. I do everything else in week as I am very PT at work, and mostly at home.

Around the house i do cooking and washing, dh does vacuuming and dishwasher. Pretty much split all other cleaning household chores.

I do all the admin, financial and nursery related stuff.

I work in a school so have more free time to organise, he works 8 to 10 hour shifts 5 days a week.

A lot! He works full time, over 4 days. Childcare for a 3 yr old and baby on the 5th day when I work. He does the bins, washing up (no dishwasher) cooks occasionally, some laundry, cleans bathrooms, bath/bedtime when home (4 kids), most house & car admin, generally tidying and cleaning- he likes it that way. He also spends time playing with the children, helping with piano practice, homework, pets etc. I'm not idle, but DH is hard-working all round.

Nope.

• DH cooks at least once over the weekend
• we alternate who is doing bath time while other is doing the kitchen and evening jobs
• plays with the kids
• does oldest bedtime
• bins
• random laundry
• jobs I tell him to do
• some homework
• random chores he sees eg hanging out washing, empty dishwasher

I’m a sahm.

50% of nursery runs
The two days I worked a full day he did dinner, bath and bed because I was rarely home before 7pm.
The three days I worked shorter days I did dinner and bath but he was usually home in time to read a story.

Chief entertainment at weekend tbh, I don't really enjoy playing with small children. He loves it.

I do a lot of the mental load, washing, tidying etc and I'm not convinced we have a fair split there. But he definitely does way more directly child related stuff than me and always has done.

I assume from what you’ve described that you are a SAHP?

I’ve not been at home except for mat leave so with Dh and I we pretty much do the same things in our off hours, though I’ve tended to do more of the practical things (cooking dinner, online shopping, sorting out school stuff) as I’m naturally more organised. And Dh tends to do more of the actual childcare in our non-working hours. And then obviously, over COVID, things were different as I was employed and could make the case for more flexible working due to homeschooling, but Dh is self employed (so no work, no income).

Realistically, if one of you is working and one of you is not. The working parent should take over time with dc in non-working hours, to let the other parent crack on with other stuff that needs doing. You both should get equal ‘time off’.

On the days DH and I both work mornings he gets up and does breakfast for DC, I get ready then take over getting them ready. In the evenings I do snacks and that we’ll all spend some time together and I do bedtime (while he does dinner for us). On weekends I’m more hands on with playing and I have to direct him if I want him to do the meals (no idea why really but it’s a bad habit whete im somehow responsible for meal planning for them). I definitely do the organising about the kids - nursery, packed lunches, clothes etc.
I would say though that despite DH always getting up with the DC my toddler DS still always wants me