If you have preschool children, how much does your husband honestly do?

[Saltseaair]

I’m torn on this, as I love my DH very much. The things he DOES do are:

Works very hard to provide a good standard of living
Everything relating to the cars
Mows the lawn - we have a big garden so this is no small task

But I am getting a bit concerned about him being a bit too hands off where our toddler is concerned. I do pretty much everything. Make breakfast, lunch and dinner, take him to the park, to groups, for walks, swimming. I pack the bags for any days out. I buy his clothes. I do bath and bed. I read the books and play with the toys.

As a result I hate saying this but while the toddler is pleased to see DH and they interact nicely it doesn’t take long before toddler is wanting me. He will not accept DH doing bedtime - has to be me.

How is it honestly in your house? I feel we’ve fallen into bad habits.

When we’re both at home its fairly equal with the children, he doesn’t do as much practical stuff because he can’t do a lot of it. He doesn’t go back to work until January so he obviously does a lot more with the children than I do.

My dh does loads and loads of hands on stuff.
We have one 3yo dd and neither of us had a clue what to do with a baby.
The thing I find I do the majority of is planning things out/ figuring out what we’re supposed to do/ keeping track of things etc.
So for example, he would prepare her food and feed her but I figured out how to go about weaning her, all about nutrition, bought everything we needed, told him/ showed him what to do and he took it from there.
I also had to tell him what food was safe and appropriate and I am the one who keeps track of how much of this or that she’s getting, worries about it if it’s too much/ too little.
He changed more nappies than I did but I had to find out how to treat nappy rash, knew how many wet and dirty ones she was supposed to have, read up about potty training and again, had to explain it all to him.
Same with how to sterilise things, what vaccinations and check ups she needs, booking the appointments, car seats, baby proofing, what’s a high temperature and what to do, common illnesses, teething, what all the important milestones are and if she’s hitting them, when to get her first shoes, when to start pre school, which one…
Even when I was pregnant, I did most of the research on what we needed and made a list but we both bought the stuff. It was just sort of expected I would be in charge of that side of things.
That is the main difference in what we do for her.
I don’t think he even realises how much effort it takes to figure it all out and make sure it happens and feel guilty if it doesn’t. He thinks everything is split evenly and doesn’t see the difference.

I work full time and do all the laundry, cleaning, house admin, bills, clothes for kids, nursery/school stuff.

He works four days a week and he does 50% of bedties and does the dinner. I do the washing up.

We have a 1 and 3 yr old.

But then look at my username.

We are very balanced in my view, and i wouldnt settle for less.
3 DCs: 16 months, 6 and 8 year olds.
I work 4 days, DH 5, and earns approx 20% more than me pro rated. Both hybrid working (2-3 days a weel from home each).
I do night wakings as I'm a lighter sleeper (within reason, if I've been up every hour I'll kick nudge him awake and get him to do a stint). He then gets up with the kids and sorts breakfasts while I snooze for an extra half an hour. He does older 2s lunch. I come down and do DDs hair, tidy away breakfast stuff, get all 3 dressed washed and ready.
Nursery/school drop off on my working days are dependant on meetings, workload and whoever is wfh. But it's 50/50 4 of the 5 days (on my non working day I do school drop off and pick up and have younger DD on my own)
Days off for kids sickness absence are split depending on who can clear out their diary at short notice, probably errs 70/30 to me taking time off as I'm more junior.
General household management i.e. meal planning and food shopping, cleaning and washing, household bills, Christmas and birthday planning is probably 70/30 to me again. He is more than capable when he needs to but doesn't automatically think "DC 1 needs new school shoes" and buy them for example. Typical mental load type of thing. But I'm a worrier and a planner by nature while he is more laid back, so it's a typical of our nature.
Drop off/ pick up for extra circulars is 50/50. Bath and bedtimes, monitoring homework, reading, parents evenings all 50/50.
DIY is 100% his domain.
Household decisions are 50/50 ( I like to think... he would probably argue otherwise 😆...)

We have a 4 year old (reception) and 22 month old.

We both work 5 days, but one of DH’s is at the weekend so we both have a day when we are solely responsible for the kids.

I do:

• medical and dental appt booking (we split actually taking them)
• clothes and most present buying
• financial stuff
• booking activities and sorting play dates
• gardening

he does:

• online shop and most of the cooking
• car related things (I don’t drive)

we share:

• bedtimes (usually one child each, we swap)
• drop offs (50:50)
• time with the kids when at home
• DIY
• laundry, though he probs does more

Making this list has been really useful actually to see how equal it is. Though I should say that DH travels often for work so there are frequent periods when he’s not there at all so I have to do everything. Miss him a lot when this happens!

We have 3 year old twins. I work full time. My husband works four days a week and looks after our twins on his non-working day. He also does most (95%) of the cooking, empties the bin most of the time, usually mows the lawn and basic DIY.

I clean, do the washing and do pretty much all the life admin (book appointments, order the kids clothes and shoes etc).

He is great. I can’t complain!

I don’t understand parents who have time during the week with young children and don’t do anything. For me the stay at home parent days were only bearable because we had loads of activities and loads of company. Sitting at home watching CBeebies and playing with the car mat made me lose my sanity and also made the house so dirty. I took them out to keep the house clean, partly!
Does he give a reason for not doing much?

DH

• main earner- full time out of house 8-5.45, 5-6 days a week
• 50:50 washing (on line etc), I put most away
• lawns
• cars
• weekly shop *pits the bins out *older twos bedtime and teeth/bath And will bathe the baby too. Babies bedtime will be down to him soon as I will be returning from mat leave *cares for pets-litter trays, fish water changes weekly *tidies in evening, runs a hoover around *in the mornings, I get up with the older two to make breakfast, DH gets the baby dressed. *night wakes if older two wake up

Me

• work part time at home ( can choose my hours) currently on mat leave *most cleaning *all cooking- he may cook once a month maybe *all school runs *babies bedtime *breastfeeding baby *top up shops *all mental load *anything relating to DC- hospital appointments,doctors app, if children are sick, packed lunches *night wakes with baby

This would annoy me too. I would ask him to increase his hours and put DC in nursery/ with a childminder if he can't be bothered to do stuff with them. Unless he is just a bit of a homebody but is doing stuff like baking, playing in the garden, crafts and painting with them? As a minimum, I'd ask him to do weekly swimming so we didn't have to do that at weekends.

We have 2 children, aged 3 and 5 (so oldest is in school). DH works full time and I do part time. We both have some level of flexibility but my hours have been specifically configured around kids.

The only thing I wish he helped with a little more is the mental load as others put it. I make all the decisions about what to eat, what to buy (food), children's timetable and activities, homework, teacher communication, birthday parties (our children's and presents etc for attending others),sort their clothes and uniforms, school/nursery communications, holiday childcare, medical, dental, eyes etc etc. It is tiring when it all falls to me a few things come up on a working day that I need to try and sort.

However, in terms of housework, we are fairly equal, he cleans, deals with household bills and any car issues, will cook if knows what we are supposed to be eating,

On balance, I would say it works and I'm happy with our life.

We both share our responsibilities as parents - so our responsibility to provide financially for our child and our responsibility to provide direct care to our child.

If one of us wasn’t engaging in the paid work that supports our parental responsibility to pay for our child’s needs, i’d expect that person to do as much housework as possible during the day and then split everything once we were both at home.

We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I work full time, but compressed hours so that I start early, finish early 3 days and work 2 longer days. DH is self employed and fits his work in around the family. I earn more than him usually but his earnings fluctuate massively. I'd say we have a fairly even split with everything, DH is very involved with the kids, we both have our own strengths and preferences in terms of household tasks so tend to split things accordingly.

DH does:
•All school and preschool drop offs and 2-3 pick ups
•Most of the hoovering (he loves it, and has very high standards for it so my hoovering usually doesn't pass the requirements)
•Approx 50% of the laundry
•Lots of DIY on our crumbly house 😂
•Puts our 2 year old to bed - the 2 year old is actually really attached to Daddy and will often insist that things are done by Daddy rather than me
•Deals with a lot of the car stuff (I'd say 80-90% of this is done by him) and remembers to put the bin out etc
•Some of the cooking, he's a good cook but he's not very good at remembering to start early enough for the kids dinner time
•Tidies up more than me - he'd live in a minimalist house if he could, I'm more relaxed about the kids mess (not saying either is right!)

I do:
•School pickup 2-3 days a week
• All reading and homework with our 5 year old
• Put our 5 year old to bed
•Mental load - organisation of clubs/play dates/things needed for school or preschool, research into insurance/credit card changes etc
•Admin/correspondence/forms relating to school/preschool and payment for childcare/trips etc
•Any vets stuff relating to our pet (although he will sometimes take the pet to the appointment)
•Weekend clubs (I often take our 2 year old with me so that DH can get other things done or do some work if he needs to)
•Most of the cooking - I love cooking and baking so this works well for me

We both do:
• Juggle midweek clubs between us
• Bath time
• Laundry
• Paying bills/ house admin split fairly evenly between us, usually depends on who has the time and inclination
• Food shopping - this depends on who has the time or is passing the shop, we have a shopping list we both add to and we both try to communicate if we are going in case the other knows of something essential that isn't on the list

I've probably missed something in there. We both feel like we are drowning at times trying to balance both working and everything for the kids, AND having time to actually enjoy life with them, but it does feel like we both shoulder a fairly even amount of the burden and we both try to support each other and communicate when we're struggling

Oh, he does the dishwasher 90% of the time and we both do the garden as we both enjoy gardening

He does full time job and earns most of the money.

Bins

All drop offs nursery at school
Most cooking
Bedtimes 50%
Weekend activities with the kids to give me time

We share the rest of stuff

I do clothes buying
Nursery/school admin

Honestly 50/50

one of us does bath and bed while the other gets dinner ready -tidys up

he does most breakfasts while I get ready for work and then I do nursery drop off

I’ve been doing a lot a bedtimes lately as daughter doesn’t want him to! But he does other stuff

ive Just been away for 5 nights on my own at a wedding and seeing some friends abroad

husbands been fine juggling all the mornings, nursery drop off pick ups, food, bedtime and I haven’t gotten involved at all just left them to it.