I'm so incredibly sad. It didn't work out & I can't trust him

[Slavetotherhythm]

Texting with an old friend for a few months & he told me he'd always loved me, seemed kind and caring and supportive. BUT was flakey and avoidant. So it stayed at texting for weeks & weeks, and just built into an online thing, like a fantasy. Stupid. I suppose a decision had to be made, but he got really arsey with me and has now blocked me.

I feel like he drew me in, then dumped me when the crux came. I know he has trust issues but it was getting to the stage where I felt I had to prove myself all the time.

I have a big day at work tomorrow, too, and this has been shit. He won't talk to me on any other social media. I know I am strong and will get over it, etc. but it's so painful. I can't stop crying.

I need a hug! And words of advice.

Stop chasing this absolute zero of a man. Maintain your dignity and block this fucker on your end so you never hear from him again. He's nothing but a waste of your time.

Hi OP I'm in the club too. He would disappear and reappear when it was convenient. Finally I scraped my dignity out of the bottom of the bin and blocked him. He tried door stepping and asking if we could at least be friends to which I said I have plenty of friends thank you and dismissed him.
That was good for my recovery. My head was high again.
Don't let him lower you 💐

Oh, sweetpea. He doesn't deserve even 10 seconds of your thoughts.

It's bloody horrid but NC is the way to go, you know you're worth far more and you'll be back on your feet emotionally soon. Keep telling yourself that you are a better person than him and you'll get through this. Be kind to yourself though. You'll have wobbles. But you're stronger than you know.

"Ha! I include myself in that. When will I ever learn? Arghhhh..."

You'll learn when you meet Mr Right, just like I did. But the old adage about having to kiss a lot of frogs first is unfortunately true, too.

I think it's all about learning to guard your heart along your journey.

He’ll likely come crawling back, say you made him do it, and then you’ll apologise because you’re just so grateful to have him back in your life, and then you’ll take him having the power because you’ll be scared of him walking out, until he does it again, and so the cycle will repeat until finally one of you gets bored.

When somebody so clearly tells you who they are…..believe them. He’s told you he’s a knob. Believe him and block. You are just drawing out the pain by doing anything else. Now go ice cold. No contact no nothing no anything. He has told you he is a knob. How does it make you look in his eyes if you now contact him. It makes you look like a knob lodger to him. And you aren’t.

I thought I was alone in having a 'friend' like this. It's confusing and sad at the same time.

He disappeared for a second time 8 weeks ago after agreeing to dinner. He reeled me in making me think that there was hope then nothing for 8 weeks.

We spent last year denying and avoiding the obvious until we slept together. Then spent this year trying to pretend it didn't happen. He disappeared earlier this year for 8 weeks (looking back there's a pattern it seems) no contact but I saw him out and about so messaged and it started all over again. This time I'm done with reaching out to him though.

I can cope with rejection, but not knowing what I've done to deserve the silent treatment is difficult. I'm stronger than I was this time round, I've a new job, I've things planned, I've been on holiday. I miss him terribly. He's lost a good woman, be that as a friend or something more but he's lost her.

I've been chatting to a guy for 3 weeks via phone and he began to smoother me..expecting voice notes and texts all day everyday. I've had a few busy days taking my kids to a farm, seeing a friend and a genuine quiet day when I felt abit tired with My hormones.

He's turned into a needy paranoid pain in the arse. Woke up to a message from him at 3.30 saying we will have fun today and going to have a laugh. We'll Friday mornings I do a cleaning job for my parents to earn some extra money and no I can't be on my phone this morning much. So I've had to tell him straight. It is too much and really off-putting.

I also with My last relationship met him in real life a few times then we got talking online for 9 months. Got in a relationship for another 9 months and he was the biggest idiot I've ever known.

I honestly think online relationships or declarations of love when they haven't seen you in person is creepy!

@SideshowAuntSallly .
What a knob!
Yes, it's not the rejection it's the messing.

For what it's worth. The pre existing friendship made my knob think I would always be there waiting in the wings.

Until he'd tired of tinder and shagging and was ready for 'us.'

He's been popping up again recently (we have mutual friends) trying to get to me through them. I'm pretty sure it's because he's got wind I've met someone.

Block and run. They are not our friends. Would we treat platonic friends like this. No.

Thank you for sharing stories, I will reply individually soon. It's really helpful to see the pattern and I'm sorry we've had to suffer these idiots.

He texted in the early hours saying he's very sorry if he upset me, he's a mess right now, and that he hopes we can still be friends & continue where we left off.

Predictable? Much?

At least he acknowledges that he's a mess. In a previous message, I suggested he work on himself, comes back in 6 months and maybe if I'm free I will consider it. He can read that.

It's so helpful to read this - what happens if we give them the silent treatment back. Sounds like it is healthier to press on with other things & to stop caring. '

Yours didn't believe you, did he?! He thought you would hang around forever. What a nerve, to say he wasn't rejecting the idea in the future. Cheeky!

Yes, mine has crawled back already. He thinks we can enter the loop again. He spotted the pattern himself, but he needs to work hard hard hard if he wants even a fraction of our friendship back. How dare he hang up on me. Power games.

Just to clarify, I'm not chasing him. We are old, old friends. He got in touch with me and we've been texting, he was chasing me, if anything. I won't block him, because he was like a brother to me at one stage, but it's time to redraw boundaries, that's for sure.

Oh Monty, I'm sorry you're in this club, too. Yup, disappear and reappear. Sometimes after several days. Of course, some drama or other would have happened in the meantime. Very well done for putting your foot down.

Mine is an old friend, and I think I will have to let go of that in time. Put him back in the silence box where he was, after he popped up after these years.

Yes! Dignity is good. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I've been really accommodating and patient with his woes: "I'm a mess", "I'm a wreck", "I'm not in a good place". It's true, he has had hardship recently - although in some ways it has propelled him into a position of freedom. I kindly suggested that he's vulnerable right now and not in a position to start anything with anyone. He is a dear friend, we go back a very long way. But I can't be his punchbag.

I hope so, but I seem to have met so many potential Mr Rights. Was even married to one of those frogs. I am at the stage where I don't think it will ever happen. Maybe it's me - I attract this sort of man and my own attachments were rubbish. I can't do relationships very well.

That's certainly one pattern that could happen, but no, I don't think I will do those things. He has already come crawling back, but I am not replying. I'm not scared of him.

He has told me who he is, and I already knew because he is a very old friend. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he's in a tough place right now, and we've loved each other like brother and sister. But yes, there is the feeling that even though it only "went further" hypothetically - over texts, etc. it can't work like this and it's time to redraw the boundary.

I'm sorry you've had one like this, too, @SideshowAuntSallly Yup, that has all the hallmarks: confusion, disappearance (usually after an event has been arranged), pretence that things didn't happen/denial, lengthy times with no contact.

Those things give them power, so that they can then do the dumping. It's a control thing and it is manipulative.

Mine told me at the very start that he has insecure attachment issues and fear of abandonment. This makes them think that by abandoning us, we won't abandon them. The last time he did it, I pointed it out to him and told him it actually makes me want to run for the hills - so it's a self-prophecy. I feel sorry for someone who has to conduct this sort of self-harm either to prove to themselves that they are unlovable, or to keep control within a relationship.

I told him, I won't be treated like that. Yes, in a way, the silent treatment is worse than the actual rejection itself. Closing the door is the kindest thing anyone can do.

You too, eh, @Cakeycrumbz sorry to hear this. VERY well done, on keeping your life going. Yes, I think absorbing ourselves back into our own lives with our own activities is best. No more late night phone calls for me, I will sort my sleep patterns out again.

Yup, same here, I had a message in the early hours. Same sorts of things in the past - that future faking, the things we will do, the fun we will have, similar things said here. I pointed out that if he can't be arsed to even meet half way, those other things are very unlikely to materialise. He can't take the emotional risk.

Agree I am not going to hang around. Talking online for excessive amounts of time is really unhealthy. You're right, it's creepy to tell someone you love them, without having seen them for years. I suppose that's one of the vulnerabilities in being old friends - you already have a shared history which they can use to their advantage in drawing you in. I told him - just because I know him from many years ago doesn't necessarily make him a good person for me to have a relationship, or even a friendship, with.

EXACTLY. The pre-existing friendship makes them believe that they have super powers to your heart. I told mine that whilst it might make a romantic story, just cos he's in my past doesn't necessarily make him healthy for me.

I need space. I feel sad about losing the friendship, but this is not friendly to me, and I need to look after myself.

Reading everyone's experience here, in my head I am imagining all these guys swinging about on bungee chords. Launching themselves at women, then at maximum stretch point, springing back and bouncing back and forth. They love the thrill of the drop, so get back on the platform again and again. No bounce, no fun for them. Leave them dangling in mid air, arms flailing, eyes bulging and purple faced.

@Slavetotherhythm last year I actually told him how I felt I had done something wrong when he went silent and he said I have never done and could never do anything wrong and he takes himself away to get his head together. After we slept together, he said he didn't want to hurt me so I said don't disappear and he promised he wouldn't. Words are easy though.

Like you, it's the friendship I miss the most. We both love tennis and I so wanted to send him a picture of the 4 greats of tennis(Federer, Nadal, Djokovic and Murray) that I saw the other day, or ask him about the issue I'm having with my bike.

Good way to put it, @ChonkyDonkey I've known my chap a while, so we have had chances for long and meaningful discussions.

He even knows he's doing it - he's launching himself in the hope of being loved but is, in reality, fearful of being rejected. Availability of love isn't familiar to him, but absence is. His mother was an alcoholic and father was absent, so he is attracted to absent and unavailable women. That's what perpetuates the cycle. I am more attractive to him when i stay away. When we get together, the stakes are raised for what he can lose, and so he becomes absent. One of us has to break the cycle, for sanity's sake.

Thank you for sharing further. Yes I said similar to mine - I feel I am being punished. It's helpful that we can read them, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

I'm sorry you have had the extra pain of having slept with your guy. That extra intimacy makes it so hard to deal with. And empty promises. These men can't change. I don't think they are capable of doing so - not unless they work extra hard on themselves. Mine has done about 50% of the work on himself. I see it. But it's not enough.

Yes! It smarts, doesn't it? I miss things and want to share things with mine, too. We can share them on here, instead. That sounds like a lovely pic of the tennis greats. Hope you get the bike sorted.

The other thing I am struggling with, @ChonkyDonkey is to do with compassion.

I don't want to leave my friend dangling.
On a platonic level, I love him. He's an old, old friend, and I care for him.
How could I ever leave him, "dangling in mid air, arms flailing, eyes bulging and purple faced"? I love him like I would do a brother.

This is my struggle.
He says he is scared of being abandoned, and I don't want to be the friend who abandons him.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

BUT I have to look after myself in this. I can't allow anyone to treat me like shit

Wow deep stuff .