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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Am Filled With So Much Hate And Anger

44 replies

lb66 · 29/09/2022 00:17

I hate my husband with a passion. Married for almost 27 years and we have ZERO in common. We share a house and children, that's it. We haven't spoken to each other for over 15months since he abused me so bad, calling me every name he could think of, shaking his finger at me, getting in my face and screaming abuse. My crime? I opened a window. It was the middle of winter, and the window in question was halfway down the house, behind 2 closed doors, oh, and it was the toilet window. His argument is that he had the fire going.
I'm sorry, but I'm not putting up with that kind of abuse and I refuse to speak to him until he acknowledges his treatment of me but that will never happen because according to him he's never wrong.

He gives me money fortnightly for groceries etc. and keeps taking some before I get a chance to transfer it forcing me to cut back on necessities.

I've been a stay at home mum since my children were born, now that they've grown up, I'm finding it very difficult to get back into the workforce. Believe me, if I had the money, I would have left him years ago, but I just can't afford it, so I'm stuck here.
Last year, 3 weeks before Christmas, he forced me to pay the car insurance because 'he thinks it's fair'. $550, 3 weeks before Christmas and I had over 20 mouths to feed Christmas eve. I was livid and struggling to buy groceries for holiday season.
This morning I get up and he's taken $350 out of my account to pay for the electricity because he thinks I have a heater on for the cats. I don't have a heater on for the cats, I have it on because I'm bloody cold. But now I'm $350 short for the next 2 weeks. I get an email from him telling me to save money for the car insurance again this year but I have no intention in paying it. If he wants me pay this, he can set up a payment plan and change the date but I will not pay it with just 3 weeks before Christmas. I want to answer his email telling him this but not sure what to put in it.

I'm so unhappy, depressed and just hate living here, I don't know what to do anymore. I've battled depression for years and this is not making my mental health any better.

God I hate him.

Please, I don't have the mental strength right now for negativity, so please try and be kind. I just needed to rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
lb66 · 29/09/2022 00:25

Also, I need to be very careful with how I approach the car insurance thing, he can very easily cut me off financially which I can't afford. So I need to tread very carefully there.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 00:25

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
lb66 · 29/09/2022 00:26

What do you mean?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 00:28

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beastlyslumber · 29/09/2022 00:34

You need to get some legal advice and get out ASAP. He is financially abusing you.

Can you at least set up an account he can't take money out of? Can you just get groceries for yourself and kids for now? Do you drive the car? Any family who can help? You need to deal with this situation, it surely can't go on like this much longer.

Dollydea · 29/09/2022 00:36

I'd rather have a job cleaning toilets for minimum wage & rent somewhere cheap than live off a man I can't physically stand.
Surely there are other options rather than having to live like that any longer?
Financial abuse is a form of DV, if friends or family aren't an option for help then speak to women's aid? I'm sure they'd be able to advise you on how to get out of this situation.

Watchthesunrise · 29/09/2022 00:37

Life is a series of choices.

Ihatethenewlook · 29/09/2022 00:50

I’m sorry op but threads like this leave people full of frustration, you’re not going to get much good out of it if you want kind words. It’s not that people don’t want to be kind. It’s more that you sound like you need a wake up call. There’s nothing tying you together. There’s no staying together for the kids as they’re adults. He’s abused you for years. There’s no reason to stay. Being jobless is a choice, there’s no way you have tried to get a job for years and been turned down by every agency/supermarket/hospitality/care work job that you’ve applied for. Your life is on hold until you leave. And already over if you don’t

tolerable · 29/09/2022 00:54

wow- such support!! you deserve it/let it happen?? 2022 victim blaming.
op-you CAN be without him and be ok. what support you got nearby\refuge included?

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 29/09/2022 00:57

He sounds awful.
First things I’d concentrate are the practical:
Put money where he can’t touch it. Do you have a banking App? Mine messages me as soon as anything goes into or out of my a/c. He’s paid money in — you transfer it out that minute.
Keep money back wherever you can £5 here, £10 there, it all adds up.
Are your children independent, at college or still in school? Your route out depends a lot now them.
Look for a job — shop work, restaurant, care home work, cleaning, anything. You need to earn money.
If your children are independent consider a job that offers accommodation. I knew a couple who were at risk of losing their home so they rented it out and got jobs as housekeeper and maintenance man at a huge country house, live in, all bills paid. A friend who’s a widow cares for elderly people in their own homes. You could live in a caravan or a camper van if necessary.
This man has worn you down and he’ll continue doing it. Now is your time to work your way out.

Hodan85 · 29/09/2022 00:59

Sorry to hear you've had such a terrible time. You sound like you need some positive words, so sending kind thoughts to you at this particular moment of frustration. For medium term happiness onwards you'll need to take advantage of moments that you're feeling strong to take actions to help yourself out of there. It might be scary on the financial front, but on the other side is a better life. Good luck

Ihatethenewlook · 29/09/2022 01:03

tolerable · 29/09/2022 00:54

wow- such support!! you deserve it/let it happen?? 2022 victim blaming.
op-you CAN be without him and be ok. what support you got nearby\refuge included?

The op hasn’t worked since her children were born and now they’re adults. She’s decided that she can’t work again because she’s been out of it too long which makes her unemployable, which isn’t true at all, I know because I live in one of the most deprived areas of the uk, didn’t work for 17 years when I had the children and still managed to get and keep 3 jobs since I started work again 2 years ago. All of the arguments she’s listed is about her spending money and her dp getting upset. Imagine this the other way round and it was a man complaining that his wife expected him to either get a job or cut back on household bills now their children are adults and he’s sat at home doing nothing. He’s had decades of pressure of financial provision, and his wife’s given him the silent treatment for weeks as he asked her to cut down on heating or get a job and she’s decided he’s a twat for suggesting it

Fraaahnces · 29/09/2022 01:35

Set up a new account that he has no access to and transfer everything on the spot. While you’re at it, document his behaviour. The financial, emotional and verbal abuse and refusal to speak. Then see a solicitor and get a divorce. You will be entitled to half of the value of the home and his pension. Please tell all your family and friends about him and stop suffering in silence. You are the only one who can rescue yourself.

Musti · 29/09/2022 01:57

Hi op. You need to get some legal advice. Then start divorce proceedings.

Once you have some legal advice then if they advise you to do so, look into getting a job. As a mum you will have gained lots of skills (eg, you can plan and prepare for 20 people at Christmas).

Musti · 29/09/2022 02:03

Ihatethenewlook · 29/09/2022 01:03

The op hasn’t worked since her children were born and now they’re adults. She’s decided that she can’t work again because she’s been out of it too long which makes her unemployable, which isn’t true at all, I know because I live in one of the most deprived areas of the uk, didn’t work for 17 years when I had the children and still managed to get and keep 3 jobs since I started work again 2 years ago. All of the arguments she’s listed is about her spending money and her dp getting upset. Imagine this the other way round and it was a man complaining that his wife expected him to either get a job or cut back on household bills now their children are adults and he’s sat at home doing nothing. He’s had decades of pressure of financial provision, and his wife’s given him the silent treatment for weeks as he asked her to cut down on heating or get a job and she’s decided he’s a twat for suggesting it

Show quote history

you don’t know their financial situation or whether her husband wants her to work. It sounds like he just wants to control and punish her.

It isn’t that easy to have the confidence to get a job when you haven’t worked in many years. I struggled with confidence as I had been a sahm for 10 years. I did some courses and started working and it all came back, but I did have to overcome limiting beliefs.

Tsort · 29/09/2022 02:22

You’ve posted this before. Word for word.

FatMog · 29/09/2022 04:05

There are always means and ways to plan and get yourself a better future. Take any work you can, stick your wages in an account that he can't get his grabby mitts on, and start planning to get away from him. You can get accounts that are just internet only, like Monzo, jbut hide your debit card. Keep some cash hidden in case of emergencies. Is there someone you can stay with initially?

Fullsomefrenchie · 29/09/2022 04:28

I think you need to decide what’s worse. Continuing to live like this and being fully reliant on him for money, or working and going it alone.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/09/2022 04:31

Womens aid can help you. Reach out. Don’t continue to live like this

Cakeycrumbz · 29/09/2022 05:11

Surely you can get a basic job in a shop or as a cleaner and go part time, claim working tax credits?

As someone who was abused mentally and emotionally and financially for 18 months (and ended up unwell due to the abuse) I will tell you that I reached our to my gp..I then paid for 6 therapy sessions and I also educated myself by watching you tube videos on abusive relationships and narcissism.

6 months on (I didn't live with him) but I've found a very peaceful place in my life. I know this Is easier for me as I didnt need him financially but, consider that maybe you need to be reaching out to professionals or charities if you are being controlled financially and verbally abused. If he's controlling and responding with aggressive words then he's abusive.

There is also your family. Trust me when I told mine they were so shocked I hadn't gone to them. Its hard admitting your being abused.

Yes you hate him. That's anger. Inside you feel powerless and like your control has been taken away.

Speak to some charities do s
ome research and ask yourself if this is abuse or do you both not work in general?

PaperPalace · 29/09/2022 05:15

OP would you consider care work? Massive shortage at the moment, I'd be amazed if you couldn't get a job. Also can you open an account he has no access to?

DarceyG · 29/09/2022 05:49

Yes, there are many jobs at the moment. You e probably lost confidence but you can get a job. Make that your first priority, rent somewhere small that you can afford and live your life in peace away from this soul sucker. You are wasting your life there.

OldWivesTale · 29/09/2022 05:53

I don't think the OP is in the UK so Women's Aid might not be able to help. Where are you, OP?

Bihan · 29/09/2022 06:12

I was in a similar situation and if you can handle itnand job hunting is fruitless I'd say stay until you're in a better position to leave. Make a plan and give yourself say a year. In that time get work experience. I volunteered to get mine and then look for a job. Once you're on your feet and feeling ready, leave.

In the meantime, reach out to friends and family. Find something which makes you feel good, even regular walks with a friend makes a huge difference. Refocus your energy and concentrate on yourself and not how much you hate him. Open another bank account and transfer your money.

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 06:18

It’s going to take a while? But you need to go back to work and work on a plan for leaving him from there. You can only do it one step at a time and you need to take the first step.