I Am Filled With So Much Hate And Anger

[lb66]

I hate my husband with a passion. Married for almost 27 years and we have ZERO in common. We share a house and children, that's it. We haven't spoken to each other for over 15months since he abused me so bad, calling me every name he could think of, shaking his finger at me, getting in my face and screaming abuse. My crime? I opened a window. It was the middle of winter, and the window in question was halfway down the house, behind 2 closed doors, oh, and it was the toilet window. His argument is that he had the fire going.
I'm sorry, but I'm not putting up with that kind of abuse and I refuse to speak to him until he acknowledges his treatment of me but that will never happen because according to him he's never wrong.

He gives me money fortnightly for groceries etc. and keeps taking some before I get a chance to transfer it forcing me to cut back on necessities.

I've been a stay at home mum since my children were born, now that they've grown up, I'm finding it very difficult to get back into the workforce. Believe me, if I had the money, I would have left him years ago, but I just can't afford it, so I'm stuck here.
Last year, 3 weeks before Christmas, he forced me to pay the car insurance because 'he thinks it's fair'. $550, 3 weeks before Christmas and I had over 20 mouths to feed Christmas eve. I was livid and struggling to buy groceries for holiday season.
This morning I get up and he's taken $350 out of my account to pay for the electricity because he thinks I have a heater on for the cats. I don't have a heater on for the cats, I have it on because I'm bloody cold. But now I'm $350 short for the next 2 weeks. I get an email from him telling me to save money for the car insurance again this year but I have no intention in paying it. If he wants me pay this, he can set up a payment plan and change the date but I will not pay it with just 3 weeks before Christmas. I want to answer his email telling him this but not sure what to put in it.

I'm so unhappy, depressed and just hate living here, I don't know what to do anymore. I've battled depression for years and this is not making my mental health any better.

God I hate him.

Please, I don't have the mental strength right now for negativity, so please try and be kind. I just needed to rant.

To add...the most important thing here is your confidence which has been knocked from not working and possibly married to the person you're married to.

Also when your first think about leaving, getting a job and going on your own, it's overwhelming and that's without having depression. So for you especially, you need to do this is manageable steps.

What's the one thing you can do to make a difference now and and what's the one thing you can do to make a difference in 6 months?

You haven't spent to each other for 15 months and he's financially abusive? You need to leave. Life is short; this is not a dress rehearsal!!

Trust me there is a massive shortage of labor in this country (the US), you can get a job at Walmart or Target tomorrow and they'll pay for you to do a bachelors degree, free of charge.

You have allowed yourself to become completely dependent on a bully who you despise. I would have got a job years ago to slowly begin the journey towards independence. However, it's not too late and this should be your first step.

1. get a bank account to which your husband does not have access
2. find a job, any job
3. file for divorce and get your share of the assets, including his pension if he has one.

1.Find a job
2.Leave him

Please get a job OP, this is painful to read.

Your OH sounds awful, but as a neutral reader it's hard to understand why you can't get any job at all when in UK and US places are crying out for staff.

How old are the children? that is one of the main questions. are they at an age their schooling would be disrupted a lot if you moved away?

also you can get a supermarket job, a pub job, bookshops, toy shops, any retail...

is he ok with the kids or just abusive towards you?

You only get one go at a life, and you want to live

Like this? Get a job, any job, get a room in a shared house. Move out and get a divorce.

Get a life, literally.

She says they are grown up now but the poor things having been raised under the same roof as this dynamic must have been so, so incredibly damaging. I really feel for them too.

Sorry, I missed this...

In that case OP, I would get ready to leave.

I know someone in a similar situation where they are unhappy but they are waiting for the children to be at university before leaving, especially as one of the kids has SEN and the guy is a good dad and the disruption to the 'norm' would be more harmful to the child...

Don't want to victim blame but this is another example of why women always always are better off financially independent. Teach your daughters that even if you marry a millionaire, it's better to keep your job. And no, the children won't be damaged by two parents working - they will actually see the example of hard working parents and follow you and be even more hard working and successful.

OP, it sounds like you're in America please leave. I don't know the benefits available to you but have a look

You don’t know much about the impact domestic abuse can have on a person do you. Life and relationships are complex.

Your post is insensitive and lacks empathy.

@lb66 💐

Absolutely.

My dd has a lovely dh but I've told her to never give her job up.
Also women need to start making their husbands transfer half the childcare money from their own account.
Too many women pay for childcare out of their own wages.
Even if you are fair and equal with money it sets a bad psychological precedence that when a woman works childcare falls on her alone.
It shouldn't. Fathers are just as responsible for childcare costs and organisation.

You need

Urgent - A new bank account. Transfer all your money to this.

Urgent - a Job. Any job.

A short term plan. Talk to friends / family, find out if you can stay somewhere short term. Get as much financial info about his job and assets and the house etc as you can. Take copies of all paper work.

A long term plan. To leave him, obviously.

Who are the 20 mouths you feed ast Xmas? Time to tell them the truth about your life and starting taking control.

Or don't. And still be in the position or worse for the next hundred years

This is abuse plain and simple. I am so sorry OP. Please reach out to a DV charity / family / friends to get you and your kids out of there and then you can look to rebuild your life.