Soooo... should I change my name?

[MamaMaiasaur]

I got married a few weeks ago and I am in an absolute quandry as to whether to change my name.

For

1. my husband has a nicer name than me
2. it would mean a lot to him
3. I would have the same name as my children (but I don't really mind having a different name)

Against

1. It goes against all my feminist principles
2. I can't imagine having a different name
3. It is unusual in my profession to change your name

I didnt change my name - all three of your against reasons applied, and only the 3rd of your for reasons, so it was a no brainer.

I spent 30 years building my brand, and have enhanced it further in over the last 15 years while I've been married, so I wouldnt dream of changing my brand name IYSWIM.

Thank you for all your brilliant points. I'm not a raving feminist and agree that the feninist movement gave me the right to use.

the key points for me are:

It is important to DH and would mean a lot to him. He recognises and accepts my right to use my maiden name. I married him because I love him and couldn't I do that for him. At the end of the day it is not a big deal for me.

I'm not really worried about having the same name as my children or changing my name professionally. If will be one name or the other and not a mixture. These aren't the important points.

I just can't imagine having a different name - it would be like being someone else.

Hi name is definitely nicer than mine - so am I just being bloody minded by not changing it!

when we get married, we do become someone else, men and women. We are no longer the independant, single carefree person we were before (even when we were with our partners, from a legal standpoing we were still pretty "free and single" IYSWIM). So I don't really buy this loss of identity thing - it sort of happens to us both in some ways anyway. MY DW found it odd at the beginning but this was way superseded by us becoming a unit, a family, a family with one collective surname. Not really sure what the point of getting married is if it is not to become a unit.

No, I am not an old-fashioned mysoginist. On the contrary, I am more like an old hippy!! But on this score, yes I think you are being bloody minded.

It's also much easier for the kids, not having to explain your name in front of them at parents' evenings etc.

Finally, DW kept her maiden name for work but over time, I just switched slowly and naturally...

...and postingatlast illustrates perfectly why I am so uneasy about taking up my partner's offer of marriage....

I haven't changed my name - I too would have found it v weird. Hasn't caused any practical problems. Friends of mine combined both their surnames when they got married - so they both changed their names - which I find quite refreshing.

Why do the children have to have your husband's name?

My children have a hyphenated name - so far it has caused absolutely no problem at all. We have told them that if they want at any stage to choose either ot their names to be called by that's fine - but so far they have kept the hyphen.

very fair point about teachers, Sprogger. I take issue however with you saying I decried the identity questions. I was simply saying that marriage is a change, lots of things change and, as such, our identities do change. As people we do not change but our situations do. That doesn't mean we are not independant etc but we are now legally bound in a partnership (which I hope for everyone is 50/50 at all levels) and I feel it is futile to try to deny that.

Not sure why you can't be a unit with different surnams, though.

I've never had to explain having a different surname from DS, either... this being the twenty-first century and all.

(OP should do whatever she feels like, mind you)

maybe Posting just has a traditional heart inside that modern 21st century brain of his

and I know, just because it is tradition doesn't mean it is right!

and of course, OP should go with what her gut says...

Actually plenty of people get married because of the state's financial blackmail (if I marry, I'll be entitled to benefits as a parent that I'm denied if I'm not). Not because they want to be - shudder - a 'unit' or somesuch. Which I personally have no intention of being, I am quite happy being me.

...I mean obviously I have crises of existential angst and self-doubt and all, but I really do not think these would be solved by Merging With My Beloved or somesuch...

Sobernow, given that my two have origins as diverse as a Bangladeshi village and a town on the Swedish/Danish border they might as well give up now

LOL twice at Sobernow. Behind what you say there is also a serious point though. Surnames are also just a way of keeping track, historically. There needn't be any deeper analysis than that.

Ms. Inferior, LOL at you too but also you are being very cynical in your post about the government!

Sprogger - as I said earlier, DW changed her name but kept her maiden name for a time for her work. Hope that answers your question. Yes, I guess it is a male dominated thing but like i said earlier, maybe I (and my very feminist wife) also like to doff our cap sometimes at tradition too.

Postingatlast, I think you'll find a vast number of posts on MN recommending marriage precisely because of the financial benefits. And state blackmail - you won't get it if you're not married - is certainly the reason why at least one friend of mine got married. Marriage makes sound financial sense, I fully realise.

fair point Sprogger. Sometimes things are in our cultural genetics and as such are hard to explain rationally. Doesn't mean they are right.

Motherinferior, yes there are state benefits to being married but there are also lots of financial "risks" to getting married. Yes, I know there are contracts you can take out but fundamentally either partner does have more of a claim to the other partner's assets once married. If the man ( or woman) has a business, if a divorce happens, courts may rule that a big chunk of that goes to the partner. Assets always form part of a settlement - and they were certainly not in the mix before getting married.

But we get married knowing this and it is an even bigger sign of mutual commitment.

Oh dear - I had the horribly shallow motivation of wanting to wear a pretty white dress and walk down the aisle (and I'm an atheist).

I'm glad I did though but I still can't get used to saying 'my husband'

I didn't change my name. DH wasn't really bothered.

I thought it would be nice to have the same family name and suggested we both change our name, or that we added another name to each of our surnames which would be our family name and which our children would have to save the double barrelling but DH wouldn't go for that. So we kept our own names.

My sisters both changed their names and both gave me the 'doesn't matter if its your husband's name or your father's, its still a man's name' line. This is only partly true. The name I have is my father's name, but it is also the name I have had all my life, the name I am known by personally and professionally. I don't see any need to give it up. Nor do I see any need to suddenly become Mrs instead of Ms. I thought the whole point of using Ms was that your marital status shouldn't be relevant.

DD has my name - again DH wasn't that bothered. His family is very blended and there are several different surnames in the family already, one more makes little difference. I would have been happy for DD to have a surname made from both of our names but DH thought that was silly. And he hates double barrelling. So she has part of his surname as a middle name. And any other of our children will have the same middle name. And he got to chose the first name....

Having said that I find myself more and more just saying 'yes' when someone phones and says 'is that Mrs DH surname' rather than trying to explain exactly who I am.