Growing up with an absent parent?

[SpinningFloppa]

Do children with absent fathers really grow up not being affected by it? I often see it said that it doesn’t bother children but my children seem to find it hard, sometimes I regret not dating when they was younger so they had a father figure growing up. Is it really true that it doesn’t have any affect on children? (Obviously mothers do sometimes leave as well but the vast majority of absent parents are fathers and that is my situation which is why I specifically mention absent fathers)

As a child it was hard sometimes but as an adult I see that I was better off without my father in my life. If he didn’t want to know why should I think about him?
It also made me appreciate my mum even more.

I don't feel like I missed out. However I had a brilliant mum, a loving stepdad and grandparents. After losing my stepdad and grandparents I find myself wondering about my bio dad more these days but if it weren't for the losses I really don't think it would cross my mind much.

If you have a strong network I don't think an absent parent is the be all and end all.

No I have no family and no step dad that’s why I think maybe I should have dated when they was younger but too late for that now

tbh blending families can be so hard, so I don’t think it’s as easy as you could have found them a father figure. One of my DC has no attachment to her DF although he wasn’t physically absent (saw her once a week) , he was emotionally absent so this didn’t benefit her at all! You have to do twice the parenting but as long as you do, it’s usually going to be ok

Yeh I get that, I wouldn’t have dated another parent… but I always hear of wonderful loving step fathers taking over and taking on the role of a parent (my own father did this with my sister) so makes me think maybe I should have done things differently

I had a loving step father but when he and my mother separated our relationship fizzled out. That’s been difficult and so in many ways I wish I’d been raised only by my mother (she’s had a series of dysfunctional partnerships)

I've remained single, my children are in their teens now. They tell me they'd have hated a step father and will always be grateful I didn't move anyone in. They have involved uncles and grandparents and my ds has a male tutor at college he gets on brilliantly with who helped him navigate some tricky mid teenage years type issues. I do think seeing decent men around them living good lives is very important but I don't think they have to be living with them.

It’s obviously incredibly nuanced and varied and you can’t say everyone’s experience is the same but there is significant evidence to show that children who grow up in a 2 parent household do better in pretty all areas.

Of course it’s highly variable on both sides but evidence gives us the high level picture.

i grew up in a one parent household and I’ve done pretty well emotionally and in relationships and stuff, other friends not so much. So many factors can influence it

Oh sorry I see you’re talking about step parenting etc - not sure if the evidence talks to that.

Anecdotally I’ve seen some amazing step dads. But it’s so risky isn’t it. I wouldn’t risk it for my kids I dont think.

Thank you for asking this question. My exdp left the family home in December last year and has now not seen our children or made any contact since June.

I'm worried sick about the effect this is going to have on my now 8yr old boy (who had a dad in his life daily for 7.5yrs) and my now 2yr old who was 15mos when he left and wouldn't even recognise him now.

I'm finding it hard to process as an adult, let alone a child.

It’s very hard isn’t it, my ex hasn’t seen them in 2 years now, I’m left behind to pick up the pieces and they are finding it difficult

Having a father didn't bother me in the slightest, I was happy and outgoing and had wonderful male uncles, cousins and grandfather.
What broke me was my mother marrying my cruel psycopathic stepfather and taking me to another country I hated where I was treated like a worthless piece of garbage.
That properly wrecked my mental health and i've never been the same since. It caused a complete rift between me and my mother that has never been fixed.

My lovely DH died when my DDs were both still babies. They have no memory of him at all.
They are now in their thirties, and say they did not miss having a dad while growing up, as they didn’t know what it would have been like, and that I met all their needs myself.
I, by contrast, was devastated by grief for decades.
Being on play dates at other kids houses, that moment when their father gets in from work and shouts “Daddy’s home!” - it tore my heart every time, that my DDs would never experience that joy of running to their own daddy, to be scooped up for hugs. However, my DDs have graduate careers, loving partners and homes of their own now, so there has been no long term fallout.

Sorry to hear about your DH that must have been so hard

I’ve noticed people saying their kids aren’t bothered because they had uncles/grandads around, my kids don’t have those either so unfortunately no male role models, wonder if that changes things?

I’ve noticed people saying their kids aren’t bothered because they had uncles/grandads around, my kids don’t have those either so unfortunately no male role models, wonder if that changes things?

Any male teachers at school? You could big them up, make comments about how polite and nice they are. Husbands/partners of friends maybe. They don't have to doing anything with your kids necessarily, just you talking about what nice guys they are and how they're doing so well will help.

It does affect them. People don't want to say or hear that but it does. My son forms attachments to any male who pays attention to him, so his football coach, last year's class teacher, his friend's dad. I feel really sad about it but all I can do is keep giving him the attention he's craving and be there for him, as well as keep a keen eye on the men he becomes attached to, because obviously this makes him vulnerable. We don't have decent male family members either.

Just do what you can, it's largely out of your control. I think it's better to pre-empt problems and be ready for them, than to bury your head in the sand and pretend your children aren't affected.

At various points in my life it affected me more then others. I thought about it as a kid. Its very rare I think about him now.
My childhood home was abusive and quite honestly my mother isn’t cut out to have children. So when I thought of him as a child it was a fantasy whereby he would of given me a better life. I grew up and realised that he could find me if he wanted. He never tried to contact me. Given the shit head my mother eventually chose to be with I can’t imagine my father is much better.
Maybe if I were male it would matter more.

Yeh I can see why a child with loads of male role models around them probably doesn’t miss the male
presence as much but I can’t make them have family that’s why I mentioned a step dad, they do have male teachers but they are uncommon in primary school my one son has had 3 and the other has had none! He is in year 4 🤷‍♀️I recognise a lot of that Mahanii when my daughter for a male teacher she became obsessed with him 🤦🏻

@SpinningFloppa there are more male teachers in secondary and it only takes one positive relationship with an adult (that isn't you) to make a difference. Just obviously keep an eye on those relationships, teach your children about appropriate boundaries etc.

Personally, no, I didn’t feel like it affected me at all. I had a loving extended family and felt very well cared for as a child.

What actually has been really damaging was having a dysfunctional parent (my mum) present in my life. I very rarely think about my dad (he died when I was late teens), but having a really scattered, insecure parent with strange whims and dodgy boundaries, was quite tough. I think it’s always better if children only have people in their lives who really value and prioritise them.

I'm in a similar position - one DD (almost 25), my ex left when I was pregnant and saw her a handful of times, the last when she was six. My own father wouldn't accept me in the family home for six years because of the shame I'd brought on the family. No real male role models in the family and I have had a couple of relationships but never considered living with anyone. I am clearly biased but DD doesn't seem to feel that she's missed out, has great friends and mixes easily with male and female friends alike. She is also very close to my sister and several of my nieces. I don't honestly give it that much thought any more - I think we can always worry about what we have or haven't done, and how things could be different. My parents were married for 66 years but my father was effectively absent from our upbringing so there are no guarantees.

You are and have been giving your two amazing children a wonderful solid upbringing whicj is really apparent in later years.

I never knew my father and the name "dad" was never said in our house. I met him years later and literally had one coffee and drunken phone calls from him, years later he still hadnt grown up and was very selfish and said stupid things like "smile it might not happen" very annoying so had not one thing in common.

My mum had many boyfriends to give me a father figure but tbh they were all v embarrassing and i would much rather have had my mum to myself.

Please don't beat yourself up. YOU are the hero here and don't forget it!! You are an angel 😇xx

I’ve only ever experienced an occasional passing curiosity…

When I heard that my biological father passed away quite recently I felt sadness, but I think that was to do more with the circumstances of his death.

I think people put waaaaay to much weight on this idea of a ‘family unit’ I wish we as a society could abandon this incorrect, dated notion that you need to have a male present in your home to make a family unit, and anything other than this model is broken in some way.

You should be proud that you haven’t brought different men into their life for the sake of having a man, or trying to lessen the load 👑

36 now. Never met the guy.

had some periods as a child when I wished for something other than my mum but actually she was really good at putting me first and I have turned out entirely not fucked up by lack of second parent.

i think it depends on wether the remaining parent can step up and not lose interest in their kid for shiny new partners who they want to move in

I had both parents growing up however my father worked long hours and/or pub so I hardly saw him before bed, at weekends he was in the garden. Essentially my mother was a single parent but we were all under my fathers whim. I would have preferred him gone tbh, he was horrible and made homelife very unstable.